See Me(31)

“What did you learn there?”

“Deep breathing, walking away, letting thoughts bounce off, or trying to accurately name the emotion when it strikes in the hopes of diminishing its power… it’s not easy, but it becomes a habit after a while. It takes a lot of effort and a lot of conscious thought, but if I wasn’t doing all of these things, I’d probably have to go back on lithium, and I hate that crap. It’s a good drug for a lot of people and it works, but I just didn’t feel like myself when I used to take it. It was like part of me wasn’t quite alive. And I was always starving, no matter how much I ate. I ended up gaining weight, getting fat. I’d rather train a few hours a day, do yoga, meditate, and avoid places where I might get into trouble.”

“Is it working?”

“So far,” he answered. “I just take it one day at a time.”

As they walked farther down the beach, the music gradually faded beneath the sound of waves rolling up the shore. Beyond the dunes, businesses had given way to houses, lights glowing through the windows. The moon had risen higher, bathing the world in an ethereal glow. Ghost crabs scuttled from one spot to the next, scurrying at their slow approach.

“You’re very open about all of this,” Maria observed.

“I’m just answering your questions.”

“Aren’t you worried what I might think?”

“Not really.”

“You don’t care what other people think about you?”

“To a certain extent I do. Everyone does. But if you’re going to make a judgment about me, then you need to know who I really am, not just the part I decide to tell you. I’d rather be honest about all of it and let you make the call as to whether you want to keep talking to me or not.”

“Have you always been like this?” She peered up at him with genuine curiosity.

“What do you mean?”

“Honest? About… everything?”

“No,” he said. “That came about after I got back from the hospital. Along with all the other changes I decided to make in my life.”

“How do people react to it?”

“Most don’t know what to make of it. Especially at first. Evan still doesn’t. And I don’t think you do, either. But it’s still important to me to be truthful. Especially with friends, or someone I think I might see again.”

“Is that why you told me? Because you think you might see me again?”

“Yes,” he answered.

For a few seconds, she wasn’t sure what to make of that.

“You’re an interesting man, Colin,” she said.

“It’s been an interesting life,” he admitted. “But you’re interesting, too.”

“Trust me, compared to you, I’m the furthest thing from interesting.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But you haven’t run away yet.”

“I still might. You’re kind of scary.”

“No, I’m not.”

“For a girl like me? Believe me, you’re a little scary. This is probably the first time I’ve ever spent an evening with a guy who talks about stomping on people’s heads in bar fights or pinning his father against the wall.”

“Or has been arrested. Or went to a psychiatric facility…”

“Those things, too.”

“And?”

She brushed at a few windblown strands of hair. “I’m still deciding. Right now, I have no idea what to think about everything you’ve said. But if I suddenly take off running, don’t try to catch me, okay?”

“Fair enough.”

“Did you tell any of this to Serena?”

“No,” he said. “Unlike you, she didn’t ask.”

“But would you have?”

“Probably.”

“Of course you would.”

“How about we talk about you instead? Would that make you feel better?”

She cracked a wry smile. “There’s not much to tell. I told you a little about my family; you know I grew up here and went to UNC and Duke Law School, and that I work as a lawyer. My past isn’t quite as… colorful as yours.”

“That’s a good thing,” he said. Somehow already on the same wavelength, they turned simultaneously and started back.

“Okay,” she said, and when he laughed, she stopped for a moment, suddenly wincing. Reaching for his arm to steady herself, she lifted one foot from the sand. “Give me a second here. My sandals are killing me.”

He watched as she slipped them off. When she finally let go of his arm, he felt the lingering afterglow of her touch. “Better,” she said. “Thanks.”

They began walking again, more slowly this time. On the roof at Crabby Pete’s, the crowd was growing, and he suspected that other bars were filling up as well. Above them, most of the stars had been washed away by moonlight. In the easy silence, he found himself admiring her features: her cheekbones and her full lips, the sweep of her lashes against her flawless skin.

“You’re very quiet,” he observed.

“I’m just trying to digest everything you told me. It’s a lot.”

“No question,” he agreed.

“I will say that you’re different.”