See Me(13)

But out here, it was easy to think about those things without necessarily worrying about them. Though she’d only taken up paddleboarding since she’d moved back to Wilmington, it had the same effect on her that dancing used to have. She’d reached the point where keeping her balance was effortless and the steady paddling rhythm melted the stress away. Usually, within a few minutes of being on the water she was left with the sensation that all was right with the world. It was a warm, relaxing glow that started in her neck and shoulders before spreading to the rest of her body, and by the time she was in the shower after returning home, she’d feel ready to face yet another week in the office. Serena was wrong about paddleboarding. It wasn’t boring; it was necessary these days for her mental health, and she had to admit it wasn’t half bad for her figure, either. In the last year, she’d become toned in places she didn’t even know could be toned, and she’d had to have her suits altered because they’d grown too loose in the waist and butt.

Not that it would matter. Serena might have been wrong about paddleboarding, but she had been right about Maria’s run of bad luck in her love life, starting with Luis. He was the first guy she’d ever been serious about, the first guy she’d ever really loved. They’d been friends for almost a year before they’d finally started going out, and on the surface, they had a lot in common. Like her, he was the child of Mexican immigrants and intended to become a lawyer; like her, he enjoyed dancing, and after they’d been dating for a couple of years, it had been easy for her to imagine a future with him. Luis, on the other hand, had made it clear that he was content to continue going out – and sleeping with her – as long as she never expected anything more than that. Even bringing up the subject of marriage had freaked him out, and while she’d initially tried to convince herself that it didn’t really matter, she’d known deep down that it did.

Still, in the end, the breakup had been a surprise; he’d simply called one evening and told her it was over. She’d eventually tried to console herself with the facts that they wanted different things in life and Luis simply wasn’t ready for the kind of commitment she knew she wanted. But then? Just a little over a year later, right after she’d taken the bar exam, she’d learned that he was engaged. She’d spent the next six weeks in a funk, trying to figure out why the other girl had been good enough to marry while he hadn’t even been able to discuss the subject with her. Where had she gone wrong? Had she been too pushy? Too boring? Or too… something else? Looking back, she had no idea. Of course, the whole experience would have been easier if she’d met someone else after Luis, but with every passing year she found herself wondering more and more where all the good guys had gone. Or even if there really was such a thing anymore. Where were the guys who didn’t expect you to sleep with them after only a date or two? Or guys who believed that picking up the check on a first date was a classy thing to do? Or even a guy with a somewhat decent job and plans for the future? God knows, after she and Luis had broken up, she’d put herself out there. Despite the long hours she spent studying in law school and then later, working in Charlotte, she’d gone out regularly with friends on the weekends, but had anyone halfway decent asked her out?

She momentarily broke off her paddling, allowing the board to glide as she straightened up, stretching her back. Well, actually, they probably had, she thought. But back then, she’d tended to focus first on their appearance, and she could remember saying no to a few guys who hadn’t been quite cute enough. And maybe that had been the problem. Maybe she’d turned down Mr. Right because he hadn’t been tall enough or whatever, and now – because he was Mr. Right – he was already off the market. These days, it seemed like Mr. Rights tended to fly off the shelves, perhaps because they were as rare as California condors.

Most of the time, it didn’t bother her. She was different from her mom, who believed that a woman’s relationship status defined her. She had her own life, she could come and go as she pleased, and while she didn’t have anyone to take care of her, she didn’t have to take care of anyone else, either. Yet in the past couple of years – as she began inching closer to thirty – there had been moments when she thought that it might be nice to have someone to go dancing with, or who would join her while she paddleboarded, or even someone willing to listen to her complain after a bad day at work. Having a wide circle of friends, like Serena did, might have filled that void, but most of Maria’s friends lived in either the Raleigh or Charlotte areas, and getting together with them almost always meant a road trip and sleeping on someone’s couch. Aside from her immediate family, relatives, Jill, and a few other coworkers – and, yes, even Paul, despite the other night – the only people she knew here were those she’d gone to high school with, and because she’d been away for years, they’d drifted apart. She supposed that she could try to reestablish contact, but by the time she finished up at work, all she usually wanted to do was unwind in the bathtub with a glass of wine and a good book. Or, if she felt energetic, maybe hit the water on the paddleboard. Even friendships took energy, and lately she didn’t have enough to go around. While that meant her life wasn’t all that exciting, it was also the kind of low-key predictability she needed. Her last year in Charlotte had been traumatic, and…

She shook her head, forcing away the memory of that final year. Taking a calming breath, she told herself firmly to focus on the positive, as she’d trained herself to do. There were a lot of good things in her life. She had her family, her own place, and a job she enjoyed…