Secret Lucidity(81)
I claw into Kyle’s arms as I try to lurch at her, and he hisses when I shed blood.
“Zane, get her the fuck out of here!” Kyle yells, dragging me in the opposite direction.
“You’re destroying his life with your jealousy,” I wail in thick emotion as David’s reality cuts through the fury of my adrenaline.
“Nobody wants you, Cam, not after you’ve hacked up your disgusting body. You’re nothing but trash.”
“Shut the fuck up, Taylor!” Zane bites as he pulls her back toward the bleachers.
Kyle hoists me higher in his arms, lifting my feet off the ground, and carries me out the doors as I continue to struggle and sling vileness at Taylor.
“Grab her bag, Linz,” he shouts over his shoulder.
“Put me down.”
When we get to the parking lot, he lets go of me, and I belly over. With hands on my knees, I gasp as I try to catch my breath.
“Dude, what the hell?” Kyle exclaims, and when I lift my head, a rush of tingles prick my skin.
Never in my life have I ever been so angry, so skull-cracking angry.
“Don’t believe her, Kyle. None of it’s true.”
“You’re not doing yourself any favors by losing your shit like that in front of everyone.”
“You know him,” I stress. “You’ve known him all year.”
“Yeah, Cam. As my coach,” he says. “But I don’t know what that guy does on his own time.”
I look over to Linze, who’s clearly shocked by what she just witnessed. Never have I lost control of myself like that, and she knows it. She knows how levelheaded and easy going I am—or was.
“It’s not true,” I say in breathlessness to the both of them, suddenly worried about what they must be thinking.
“Then why get so worked up?” Kyle’s words drip in suspicion, and I take a step back, scared that outburst was my tell.
“Cam would never do anything like that, Kyle.” My eyes fly to Linze, stunned and so grateful that she just defended me. “She’s not that kind of person.”
She’s wrong.
I am that kind of person.
I’m the disgusting lark who fell prey to the pervert. That’s exactly how they will paint it, even though it’s so far from the truth.
Linze holds my bag out, and when I take it from her, I realize just how far we’ve drifted when I see that she actually believes me—believes my lie. Unable to get my emotions back under control after losing it so badly, I turn away and head to my car without another word spoken for fear I’ll choke on my sadness in front of them.
I know I shouldn’t go by his house, but I can’t help myself.
I don’t know what I expect to get out of driving over there.
Maybe it’s a desperate yearning for some sort of solace, but it only makes me feel worse to see his house and to know he isn’t inside. The relentless burning of loneliness feels like acid dripping slowly on my once fully fleshed heart, which David was able to fill. He brought me to life, and now I feel like death. I’m so tired, so in need of consoling, but I have nowhere to go, no one to turn to, so I drive back to the one place that holds what I need.
The sun set over an hour ago, and when I return to the school, nothing remains of the earlier chaos. Vacant and quiet, I take my dad’s key and walk into the building. The pool glows brilliant blue in the dark room, and I inhale deeply, so deep I feel my lungs splitting. But it’s all I can do to fill myself with what once was. The chemicals from the chlorine burn my nose and make my eyes water as I take in the smell that will always remind me of everything I’ve lost. It’s a fragrance that’s pungently sharp to most, but not to me. To me, it smells so sweet I can taste it on the back of my tongue.
I look around this place, which holds so many memories. It’s where my dad jumped into the pool fully clothed because he was so overjoyed when I set the school record. Someone snapped a photo of the moment, and it wound up on the front page of the school’s newspaper. It’s also where I shared my first kiss with David. A kiss laced in so much hesitation between us, but a kiss that forever changed me. Without it, I would have never experienced what falling in love truly felt like. Because that was what he showed me—love in its purest form.
I miss them.
I miss them both so much.
I never knew how easily life could slip away, how one second you could have the world in the palm of your hand, only to have it disappear with a single tick of time.
One thing my heart has taught me, is that you have to be unafraid to die in order to love.
It’s a metaphorical suicide.
You’ve got to be willing to dive head first off the cliff if you are going to dare open yourself up to love. Because that’s what love is; it’s the same as death—it’s a separation from reality. It’s a moment suspended in time, and when it’s over, that’s it—your moment is gone. All you’re left with is this—this right here—mourning memories of what will never be again.
I go up the steps that lead to the office I used to hang out in while my dad worked. The same office David and I used to flirt in while everyone thought we were discussing competition goals.
Walking in, I spot David’s ratty, old fraternity sweatshirt from his college days hanging off the back of the chair. Taking it in my hands, I bury my face into the fabric and fall to my knees. His scent, so vibrant, so alive when everything feels so dead, takes home in my wounds, and I cry. Tears slip between my lips, scorching my tongue in bitterness for what Taylor has done to us.