Secret Lucidity(10)

Her bedroom door shuts, closing her off from the house that’s nothing more than a tomb.

No noise.

No laughter.

No life.

The fridge has been empty for days. Nothing more remains from the casseroles and food platters that friends brought over. The guest visits have tapered off, and the doorbell hasn’t rung in nearly a week. It’s nothing but gloom and sadness inside these walls.

My mother hardly comes out of her room, and when she does, she barely talks to me. I wish I knew what to say or what to do. Most nights, her loud and pain-filled cries wake me. She misses her husband badly, there’s no question about it.

Coping is hard enough, but when you’re left to do it alone, it’s unbearable at times. I do it anyway, because what other choice do I have? Even though Kroy and Linze offer to come over, I’d rather not inflict this misery, which has painted my soul black, on them. They’re too busy being happy, having fun, and enjoying their summer. I’d be lying if I said a big part of me doesn’t resent them.

Because I should be them.

I should be enjoying my last summer before senior year. I should have my family intact. I should be able to be carefree and young. I should want to go to Linze’s lake house to bask in the sun and spend a romantic evening with my boyfriend.

But the should bes are never bes, because life decided to spit its cruelty in my face. It took away the glue that once held our family together, and without my dad, my mother and I are nothing more than dust in the wind, desperate to hang on to what’s left. Unfortunately, we’re too weak to make the gallant effort that’s needed, and I can feel us drifting.




(July)



The flickering light from the television strobes against the walls, casting its silvery hue across the darkened room. There’s a burn on my skin, which will tan by tomorrow, and Kroy smells of chlorine as he drags kisses along my neck.

We spent the day together in his backyard. He tried to get me in the pool, but I was able to avoid his efforts, using my arm as an excuse since it’s still tethered against my torso in a sling brace. Truth is, I haven’t been able to get into the pool since my last swim at school. The water was my main connection to my dad. I can’t even stomach the thought of dipping my toes in. This probably makes no sense, but it’s how I feel regardless.

So, I lied to Kroy, and instead, I put on a floppy hat to keep my scar from darkening and reclined on a lounge chair to bake under the burning sun as music blasted from the outdoor speakers. A few of our friends came over for a while, and we attempted to make small talk, but they were awkward around me, and I didn’t feel like socializing. Eventually, they grew bored with sitting around in silence and moved to the pool. I watched as the guys jumped in, roughhousing and trying to dunk each other, as the girls sat on the edge with their legs dangling in the water.

I overheard them gossiping about who’s been hooking up this summer, all the while, I felt a million miles away. Their ease and laughter contrasted my vacancy, and I started to wonder what still connected me to them.

They’re my friends, and yet, I feel like we have nothing in common anymore. If I tried to talk to them about what I’m dealing with, they wouldn’t understand. The depths of their life’s devastations wade in the shallows while mine have broken through the hypersaline water of the dead sea and settled into the black mud at the bottom.

“Kiss me,” Kroy whispers. “You feel so far away.”

“I’m right here.”

“You know what I mean.”

I turn to him and kiss him on the lips, but the flame has long ago snuffed, and my feelings feel stale at best.

He pulls back and drops his head.

He feels it too.

“Cam . . .”

“I’m sorry . . . I—”

“I don’t want you to be sorry,” he says. “I just want you to talk to me. We used to always talk, but ever since . . .”

His words drift, not wanting to mention what he fears might break me. I fear it too. And he’s right. We use to stay up to all hours of the night talking on our cell phones or texting, only to be half-lidded zombies the next day at school. But that was then.

“Your kisses feel so empty.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

“You never know what to say anymore.” His frustration bleeds between his words, but I know it comes from a place of love, because that’s who Kroy is. He’s love and tenderness and everything a girl wants in a boyfriend. No one would know it just by looking at him. To them, he’s the school’s star cornerback for the football team. His broad build is deceiving to the gentleness that lies beneath his tough exterior. A gentleness only I get the privilege to see because he loves me. “Do you even want to be here, because you’ve hardly said two words to me today.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“It is. Either you want to be here, or you don’t.”

I sulk back into the couch and stare mindlessly at the television, unsure of how to answer him without hurting his feelings.

“Babe.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Hurt me?” When I look into his eyes, I see his desperation to understand. How can I explain it to him when I don’t really understand it myself?

“Everything’s different,” I finally tell him. “The world is different, and I don’t know where I belong. I don’t know my place anymore, because the whole puzzle has fallen to pieces.”