Secret Heir (Dynasty #1)(54)
“Okay.”
He smiles in response, but it’s not that usual infuriatingly arrogant smile. He looks humbled almost, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen that look on him before.
We drive in silence for most of the way, Raph seemingly lost in his own thoughts. I find myself sneaking glances at his profile. A strange sadness touches those impossibly perfect features and for the hundredth time, I wonder where he’s taking me and why. But I don’t push him. Something about that sadness reminds me of the quiet times when I think about my mom and I know the only thing I want in those moments is to be left to my own thoughts.
We finally reach a secluded mountain trail in what Raph tells me is the outskirts of Arcadia.
I don’t question Raph as he leads me up the mountain trail. If this had been only a few weeks ago, I’d be certain that he was leading me out into the wilderness so I could get lost and never return. But I realize then, as I follow him blindly to an unknown destination in this distant place, that there isn’t even a hint of suspicion in me. The thought is unnerving, because surely I don’t actually trust him? How can I, when he’s the same guy who threatened to break me and made my life miserable when I first arrived?
Raph stops when we reach a narrow cliff, overlooking a vast expanse of ocean beneath. I look down and see the terrifying drop to the rough waters beneath. Suddenly, I’m not so trusting.
“What are we doing here?” I ask, unable to keep the suspicion from creeping into my voice.
But Raph looks lost to the world in that moment. Something about his silence moves something inside me.
He sits down on the edge of the cliff, and then motions for me to sit with him. I hesitate for a second, but find myself sitting and I wait for him.
“I was ten when my mom died,” he says finally, and I can feel the surprise reflected in my expression when I turn to him, but I say nothing as I let him continue.
“She battled with depression for years. I guess I was too young to really understand what that meant, but I remember knowing that she was always so sad. She never spoke about it, but I think she hated the pressures of being part of a sovereign Dynasty, being married to the head of the St. Tristan Dynasty and the mother of the future heir to the throne. The constant scrutiny, always being watched, living life in the public eye. My father’s attitude didn’t help things either—he’s all about appearances and preserving the St. Tristan Dynasty. Having a wife who was severely depressed was a scandal that he didn’t want anyone knowing. So it was kept a secret and all the while, she deteriorated, pulling further and further away. Until one day, her body was found washed up on the rocks down there.”
The revelation floors me and I feel like I can’t even breathe. In that moment, I let my guard down, just as Raph seems to have done, and I feel the sadness and loss wash over me. Feelings which are only too familiar but totally unexpected coming from this guy who I’ve always believed lived a perfect life and had never wanted for anything, who didn’t know what it was like to lose someone he loved.
But I was wrong because he does. He knows only too well. I feel something shifting inside me, although I haven’t moved an inch. It’s the same feeling I got when Magnus unveiled this whole new world to me. The feeling like the whole universe is shifting, that everything I know to be true, everything I believe is changing and the feeling that some part of me would never be the same again. I keep those thoughts to myself as Raph continues to reveal parts of himself that I’m sure no one else in this entire world has seen.
“My father made sure that everyone believed it was an accident—she was out here hiking and fell. But he knew better, and in time, so did I.” There’s a tinge of bitterness in his voice then.
“Your nightmare last night …” I begin to say.
He nods slowly.
“I have them sometimes. It’s different each time, but she’s always falling and it always ends the same—her body lying twisted amongst those rocks.” Just like last night, I get the feeling again, like his words mean so much more than I’m letting myself hear.
“I come here every year on her death anniversary. I’ve never brought anyone with me … but I wanted you here with me today.”
This shocks me into stillness, but I don’t let the meaning of it sink in. I don’t ask why, because I’m sure that I don’t want to know the answer.
“I do that, too,” I find myself saying instead.
“On my mom’s death anniversary, no matter which foster home I’m in, however far, I go back to Rockford Cape where we lived. I visit her grave and spend a few hours at the beach where my mom used to take me. I visit the tacky amusement park that she used to love taking me to and walk along the stretch of beach that she loved. I don’t know why I do it, I guess because all of the different foster homes felt so temporary and that place, our place, was like my only anchor.”
I can feel Raph’s eyes studying my profile as I look out at the overcast sky above and the tumultuous waves below.
“Your painting that day in the art studio, of the beach—was that the place?” he asks.
I nod silently. Magnus had told me on that first day that Eden was in many ways a mirror of Earth and in that moment, in the face of Raph’s confession about his yearly commemoration of his mom’s death, I’m surprised to find that there are parts of his life which are a mirror of my own. It would have been impossible to believe only a few weeks ago that his perfect life could be anything like mine, but I realize that there is darkness hidden in the depths of his light. A darkness that I recognize. A loss so deep, that you need to bite the inside of your cheek just to keep from crying out.