Save Me from Dangerous Men (Nikki Griffin #1)(35)

“Me. If you can’t, I understand. Bryan—my ex—he couldn’t. But I want to know. Because if you can’t, then there’s no point in talking any more about it.”

He toyed with donut crumbs, pushing them around the table. “Honestly, Nikki, I’m a little freaked out. An hour ago we were on a double date to a jazz concert. Now I’m sitting with a girl who I just watched take out three guys with knives. And I kind of feel like I’m dating Dirty Harry. So can I think about all of this for a bit?”

“Of course you can. And for the record, it was one guy with one knife. And my legs are way nicer than Dirty Harry’s. If you don’t agree with that, we have bigger problems.”

He smiled for the first time since we had sat down. “I’ll give you that.”

There didn’t seem to be much else to talk about. I got up. “I guess I’ll go. Get in touch if you want.”

I walked out of the shop. Feeling lousy. Thinking again of celibacy. Solitude. This time for real. This time for good. Maybe I wasn’t cut out to be the relationship type no matter what I wanted. Maybe it would never work with anyone normal. Someone like Ethan.

Choices. Maybe we couldn’t choose everything. No matter what we wanted.

I felt my mood overtaking me. I knew that after I walked back to Lake Merritt for my motorcycle I wouldn’t go home. Didn’t matter how late it was. Knew I’d head north, toward the ocean. To the little blue house above the beach.





WEEK THREE





19


“How have you been, Nikki?”

“This guy I met. Ethan. I think I blew it.”

“What do you mean, blew it?”

“I showed him too much of myself.”

“Was someone hurt? What happened?”

“We were on a double date. Some guys tried to mug us. So much for my suburban Scrabble fantasies.”

“You’re all okay?”

“One of them got hurt a little. But that’s what he gets.”

“You did something to him?”

“Look. I’ve lost plenty of sleep over plenty of things. But this guy? Nope. He pulled a knife. I told him I didn’t like knives. What does he do? He goes and waves it in my face. That was deeply irresponsible. That’s on him.”

“And Ethan—it upset him when that happened?”

“Yeah. His friends, too. Actually, everyone seemed upset. Except me. But what was I supposed to do? Let him rob us? Be a normal girl and cry for two hours afterwards while her boyfriend strokes her hair and calms her down? Is that more honest?”

“Do you consider yourself self-destructive, Nikki?”

“Of course not.”

“But you find yourself in these situations where you seem to … raise the stakes.”

“I don’t. That’s the thing. Why does no one understand that? I match the stakes. That’s what I’ve always believed in.”

“Harassed by a group of men, you refuse to walk away, respond with violence. Held up by muggers, you refuse to hand over your possessions, respond with violence.”

“I’m not self-destructive. I like life. I’ve worked hard for what I have.”

“But your responses. That bar fight, costing you a relationship, legal fees, time. This mugging, perhaps costing you another relationship. Are those positive outcomes?”

“I was protecting them.”

“This notion of protecting people. Your previous boyfriend, now Ethan—did they want the kind of protection you offer?”

“There’s not really time to have them fill out a questionnaire.”

“Why are you so swift to act violently to protect these people?”

“Because I care about them.”

“Was someone’s life in danger?”

“Bad things happen in this world. They needed me.”

“Who needed you?”

“Never mind.”

“Tell me more about your family. Why are you holding back?”

“Because I don’t talk about them.”

“Why won’t you let me see these parts of your life? You have a brother. During our first meeting you said you take care of him. Do you protect your brother?”

“I told you I don’t want to talk about him.”

“This urge to protect. Where did it start?”

“Don’t ask me that.”

“I’m worried about you, Nikki. Your refusal to face your past—whatever’s there.”

“I face it every day. You have no idea.”

“I’ve studied many types of impulsive behavior. Over time, it tends to worsen. Alcoholics drink more, addicts use more. People who engage in risky behavior don’t fix themselves. And I’m worried, Nikki, that at some point you’ll react to a situation in a way that has permanent consequences. That you’ll do something you can’t take back.”

“Maybe sometimes there should be permanent consequences.”

“Even if they destroy your life?”

“I’m not self-destructive. I’m not some psycho. There are people in this world who need help.”

“And you think you need to help them.”

“I think somebody does.”