Sadie(54)

Those were my mornings.

He took them from me.

My nose is throbbing in a way I need to do something about. I force myself from under the covers, pull on a pair of jeans and that’s when I notice the clock on the nightstand says it’s five in the afternoon. Jesus.

I slip out of the room barefoot. The ground is cold, makes my toes numb in the way I want my face to be. The parking lot isn’t as empty as it was last night. Now it’s my car and one other at the farthest end of the lot, a little shinier, little newer. I pass a cleaning woman leaving one of the empty rooms. She’s tall, is the first thing I notice about her. Tall and sturdy, with wavy, sandy hair. She stares at me a little too long as I pass, her forehead crinkling in something that could pass for concern. I duck my head, can only imagine what my face looks like, and feel a little guilty. I want to turn around and tell her I’m fine.

I’m fine.

I grab a bucketful of ice from the machine and head back to my room where I dump the ice in a hand towel. I hold that to my face until I can’t feel it anymore. The ice melts and the cold water seeps through the minute gaps between my fingers. The room is uglier in the colorless late afternoon light. I throw the sopping towel in the shower, change my shirt, put my shoes on and open the window blinds before I get to work on the rest of me. There’s nothing I can do for my nose—it just needs time to put itself together, I guess. But I brush my hair, which feels softer and frizzier for the wash, and run my hands over it. I enjoy that feeling while I have it. I pull my hair back into a ponytail. I shove all my things into my pack and sling it over my shoulder. I’ve got another night here, but after what happened in Montgomery, I’m thinking it’s just always better to be ready to run.

When I step into the front office, the man I saw last night isn’t there and I realize I never got his name. A boy has taken his place. He looks to be in his midtwenties. He has the kind of baby face that looks too young to be attached to the rest of his body, which is muscular and lean. Dimples in his cheeks. He has curly brown hair and a light tan, like he’s already spent a good amount of this barely-begun summer outdoors. He wears a uniform as devoid of bluebirds as the rest of the place and is twirling a key ring around his finger—or trying to. It slips off and hits the floor with a thunk. He ducks to pick it up, and when he straightens, his face is bright red. He clips the keys back onto his belt. His eyes drift over my wrecked face, all the way down to my chest. I’m not wearing a bra. I stare at him, watch as his idle curiosity turns into something that knows it shouldn’t be looking before he finally remembers to ask if there’s anything he can do for me. He’s got a raspy voice. Hearing it makes me feel breathless. I clear my throat and walk forward, lean against the counter. He’s wearing a name tag. ELLIS. The TV’s on behind him, but tonight it’s playing the news.

“Is D-Darren around?”

He blinks at my stutter, recovers quickly—in his mind. You can’t really recover from the moment you make someone else feel like a freak. You just have to hope the person you made feel that way extends a level of grace toward you that you probably don’t deserve.

I force a smile at him that he doesn’t deserve.

“What? He’s back? I haven’t seen him and Joe didn’t mention it…” He looks past me, like he’s expecting Keith. “Usually Darren says when he’s gonna be in town.”

“He t-told me h-he was here sometimes.”

“How do you know Darren?”

“An old f-family friend.” I pause. “He’s only here s-some of the t-t-time? How d-does that work?”

“He’s got a permanent room. Him and Joe have been friends for years. He stays in ten and keeps all his stuff there, so we don’t ever rent it out.”

“S-sounds like a p-pretty shit deal for Joe.”

“Nah, Darren’s a good guy. Saved Joe’s life once,” he says proudly, like he had anything to do with it. “But I don’t think he’s around ’less you know something I don’t.”

“Well d-damn.”

“How long you here for?”

“Another d-day.”

“I guess he could always show up, maybe, but if you wanna leave a note or something, we can keep it for him until he gets back.”

I chew on my lip for a moment. “You c-couldn’t l-let me in his room, could you? What I w-want to leave is m-more … a s-surprise.”

“You can leave it right here, and we’ll get it to him.”

Fuck.

“Do you know w-where he is? If it’s near enough, I c-could just head on down th-there and g-give it t-to him in p-person.”

Ellis stares at me a long moment. “What’s your name again?”

“Uh.” I sniff and wince, bringing a hand to my nose. “Ow.”

“Mind if I ask what happened to you?”

“C-car accident.”

“Looks like it hurts.”

“It d-does.”

I eye his belt loop, those keys on it. I wish I could just sneak them away from his body, make some small part of this easy.

“You need anything?” Ellis asks.

I raise my eyes to his face. “What k-kind of m-motel is this?”

“I mean.” He shrugs, scratching his head self-consciously. “If someone looks like they need help, I’m gonna ask ’em if they need it, that’s all.”