Ruined (Ruined, #1)(66)

He hadn’t meant it. He knew, with absolute certainty, that his father had been wrong to kill the Ruined without cause. He’d killed them out of fear, and he’d died because of it. Even if Cas hated Emelina with every fiber of his being, he didn’t blame the entire Ruined species for her actions.

“What happened to the real Mary, Emelina?” he asked, breaking the silence.

“I killed her. When she was on her way to Lera.”

“You just killed her. Without provocation.”

“She killed my father and left his head on a stick for me to find. I wouldn’t say I wasn’t provoked.”

Cas swallowed, determined not to feel sorry for her. But he also didn’t feel particularly sorry he never had the chance to meet the real Mary.

“And it’s Em,” she said, quieter. “Most people call me Em.”

A flash of memory—I was educated at the castle with Em and Olivia—and Cas drew in a breath. “You knew Damian.”

“Yes. He was a friend.”

“And I let you argue to set him free. I’m such an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot. You were kind to him. You don’t know what that meant to me.”

He didn’t know how to respond to that. He could have told her that he would do it again, because Ruined didn’t deserve to die simply for being magical, but he wasn’t in the mood to be nice to her. He kept his mouth shut.

“Do you have to walk so close to him?” Iria called over her shoulder. “It makes me nervous.”

“He’s not going to hurt me, Iria,” Em called, and Cas felt a surge of anger that she didn’t seem to think he was actually a threat to her.

Maybe because he’d squandered the opportunity to kill her. He could still see her face as he pointed his sword at her head. His blade had been locked in place, the terror at actually having to go through with murdering her making his stomach rise up into his throat. Even now, as he stared at the scratch on her neck where he’d nicked her, he felt a little sick.

He should have been able to kill her. He should have enjoyed it. She hadn’t just betrayed him, she’d made him care about her so thoroughly that he couldn’t even hate her properly. And now he was a hostage, injured and still at her mercy.

“I do want to apologize, Cas, for—” Em began.

“Don’t apologize to me,” he spat. “You’re not sorry. You manipulate people. You say and do what you think they want and then turn around and use it against them. Your apology means nothing to me.”

“Well, I’m apologizing anyway!” she yelled, making everyone turn around and stare at them.

He rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry if I doubt the sincerity of an apology screamed at me.”

“I tried being nice. That just seemed to make you more angry.”

“When were you being nice? Was it somewhere between you taking me hostage and yelling at me?”

“I saved your life.”

He snorted. “Your bar for nice is awfully low.”

“I don’t—”

“Would you two be quiet?” Iria interrupted. “The entire jungle can hear you.”

Em shut her mouth, casting an angry look in Cas’s direction.

“I don’t accept the apology,” he whispered.

She took in a breath, like she was preparing to really let him have it. Then her body deflated, the last wisps of anger leaving her face as she shrugged.

“I understand. But I am sorry, Cas.”

He didn’t want her to understand. He didn’t want her to act all quiet and contrite. He wanted to see her being haughty and unashamed. He wanted her to laugh in his face and tell him he was stupid. He wanted to scream at her, to shake her and tell her he would never forgive her. But the traces of her last words—I am sorry, Cas—lingered in the air, and he couldn’t bring himself to say anything at all.

“Should we tie up his legs?”

Em looked over at the sound of Iria’s voice and shook her head. “No, I think he’s fine.”

Cas glared at Iria. They’d stopped not long after the sun set, and he’d collapsed against a tree without a word. Em suspected he was far too tired to run.

Em sat down on the ground near him, watching as Miguel leaned over and muttered something to Francisco. It was dark, but the moonlight cast a glow over their faces, and they both seemed to be very pointedly avoiding her.

Koldo stopped in front of her, offering some dried meat. She took two pieces and passed one to Cas.

“Thanks, Koldo,” she said, smiling at him.

He mumbled, “You’re welcome,” without meeting her eyes, pink spots appearing on his cheeks.

She tore off a hunk of meat with her teeth and watched as Koldo handed a piece to Iria. None of the men had talked to Iria much since she’d defended Em, but Koldo looked visibly uncomfortable just being near her. Iria stretched her legs out in front of her, apparently oblivious.

“I’m going to see if I can find some bananas,” Aren said.

“No,” Em said quickly, hopping to her feet. “I’ll do it. Will you stay here and watch him?” She gestured at Cas.

Aren’s head tilted, like he knew something was wrong. She touched his arm as she passed him.

“They’re planning something,” she murmured. “I’ll stay close by. Let them think I’ve left you and Cas alone.”