Ruined (Ruined, #1)(54)

I don’t think this is who I want to be.

The words had been so sincere, and they were all he could think of. He’d spent most of the day trying to sort through what had been real. He’d known a little bit of the real Emelina, he was sure of it.

The night in her bedroom had been real. When she described her mother as powerful and angry, and her father as her quiet audience, that was the real Emelina. It fit with what Cas knew about Wenda Flores and her husband.

Everything she’d said about the Ruined had been real. She hadn’t even tried to hide her sympathy for them.

But she’d said she was an only child. She said it was lonely, when in reality she had Olivia.

Or she did, before Cas’s father took Olivia and locked her away.

He moaned as another wave of guilt washed over him. How had she managed to even look him in the eye? He’d known Olivia was locked up, and it had never even occurred to him to inquire about her before Emelina mentioned it. No wonder she’d seemed miserable on their wedding day.

But . . .

You’re not dumb, you’re not naive, you’re not any of the things they try to make you out to be. She didn’t have to say that to him. She didn’t have to come to his room and sleep in his bed. He’d given her plenty of space, and she’d come to him repeatedly.

Was he an idiot to think she’d grown to care for him? Was it wishful thinking?

A knock sounded at the door, and Galo stuck his head in a moment later. “May I come in?”

Cas sat up and the guard eased onto the couch next to him.

“Are you drunk?” Galo asked.

“Do I look drunk?”

“No. But your mother said you probably were.”

“My mother is the one who deals with her sadness by getting drunk.”

Though it wasn’t a bad idea. Maybe he’d do that later.

“I’m sorry,” Galo said quietly.

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not.”

He’d said It’s fine to his father this afternoon. His father had just patted Cas on the back and given him a look of approval.

“No, it’s not,” Cas repeated.

“I think she really did care about you,” Galo said.

“Are you trying to make me feel better?”

“No! I think she did.” He rubbed the blue bruise on his chin. Emelina had given it to him. “She didn’t kill me. She took the sword from Iria and didn’t let her do it.”

“They needed to run,” Cas said.

“There was plenty of time to kill me, to make sure I didn’t run after them.” One side of his mouth lifted. “And as much as I’d like to think it’s because of my sparkling personality, I suspect she spared me because I’m your friend.”

“They could have killed me too, I guess.” Cas scrubbed a hand down his face. “I ran after them without a sword, like an idiot.”

Though if Emelina wanted to kill him, she had plenty of other opportunities. She could have done it in his bed, as he slept.

That had to mean something, right?

Cas laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of it all. Was he really grateful that his wife hadn’t killed him?

My wife didn’t smother me with a pillow! Must be love!

He closed his eyes for a moment. “Are they sending you south? My father said he was ordering a few of my guards to join the search for her.”

“No, I’m staying here. They’ve asked me to act as captain of your guard. Temporarily.”

“They have?”

“Yes. If that’s all right with you.”

“Of course it is. You know you’ll be captain of my guard one day, permanently.”

A hint of a smile crossed Galo’s face. “Thank you.” He paused, his expression turning more serious. “May I make a request, as your temporary captain?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t run after Emelina again?”

“You ran after her as well.”

“Cas,” Galo said, with a hint of annoyance.

“You can make that request, but I won’t promise you anything.” He slowly got to his feet. The room felt too small suddenly, like just talking about Emelina had filled all the space around him. “I’m going to get some fresh air.”

“You know that now isn’t the time to leave the castle walls, right?”

“Of course. I’ll just be in the gardens.”

Galo took the hint that Cas wanted to be left alone and didn’t follow the prince out of his rooms. The hallways and kitchen were deserted, and he pushed open the back door to the gardens.

The cool night air blew across his face, and he took in a deep breath as he walked across the grass. He sat down at the base of a tree, stretching his legs out in front of him. Would people think it was weird if he slept out here beneath the stars?

He leaned his head back against the tree, listening to the hum of chirping crickets and the sound of the breeze tossing the leaves around. He didn’t care if people thought it was weird. At least out here there was plenty of air. Even Emelina couldn’t fill up this space.

A boom woke Cas from his sleep. His eyes flew open.

A second boom sounded in the distance.

The yelling began so suddenly his body lurched, his feet slipping on the grass as he scrambled to his feet.