Ruined (Ruined, #1)(48)

A slow smile spread across his face. “Thank you, Mary.”

She swallowed at the mention of the girl she’d killed, her gaze dropping to the floor.

Cas reached for her hand, his tone softening. “Are you all right?”

“Fine,” she lied. “Just . . . lonely, I think.” The admission was embarrassing as soon as it was out of her mouth, but Cas squeezed her hand tighter.

“I’m glad you came,” he said quietly.

She rubbed her thumb across her necklace. The constant guilt in her chest had started to give way to a fiery ache. It was physically painful to imagine how much he would hate her after he knew the truth.

He closed the distance between them with one small step. He was too close, or not close enough, and she put a hand on his chest.

The room was so quiet she could hear him draw a breath, and she watched as the air filled his chest. His fingers brushed across her neck, and Em knew that if she looked up now, he would kiss her. She was going to let him. She was going to do more than let him, actually, she was going to drag him to her and feel every inch of his body next to hers.

His eyes met hers, his thumb gently nudging her chin up.

She burst into tears.

Surprise crossed Cas’s face as he pulled her into his arms. She closed her fingers around his shirt. She felt like if she didn’t hold on to him, he might start slipping away from her.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he said quietly, his arms tightening around her waist.

“Damian’s death made me think. . . .” She took in a shaky breath and let honest words spill out of her mouth. “I’ve seen so many people killed and never given it a second thought. I’ve killed. I planned to kill more.”

She hadn’t just planned to kill Cas. She’d imagined smiling as she sank a sword into his chest.

“I don’t think this is who I want to be,” she said, her voice shaking.

“You did what you had to do,” Cas said.

“I did what I chose to do.” Tears spilled over her cheeks, staining his shirt.

“Then choose better next time.”

It was such a simple statement that she almost told him it was too late. But when she lifted her head and met his eyes, he stared at her with such sincerity that it was impossible to disagree.

“You’re not who I thought you’d be, Cas.”

“No?”

“You’re so much better.”

He smiled, his thumb rubbing a tear from her cheek. “Stay with me tonight?”

She nodded without hesitation. He took her hand and led her to the bed. She climbed onto the soft sheets. He slipped in beside her and pulled the blankets up, even though they were both still fully dressed. He scooped her back into his arms, his fingers tangling in her hair and his lips brushing across her forehead.

“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked, his breath tickling her forehead. She nodded. “I didn’t want to get married. I was angry I didn’t get to choose. But—promise you won’t tell my parents I said this.” His voice held a trace of humor. “I couldn’t have chosen any better than you.”

He brushed her hair behind her ear, and she reached up, lacing her fingers between his. She brought their hands in close to her chest, brushing a kiss across his knuckles.

“You’re so much better than I expected too,” he whispered, his lips grazing her ear as he spoke.

His legs intertwined with hers, and she knew that in the morning she would regret letting him hold her like this. She would think of how the contours of his body felt against hers, how she could feel him smile when he kissed her forehead. She would remember it tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and she could already feel the pain that would accompany it. The memory of how he felt when he cared about her was going to be the most painful thing after he began to hate her.





TWENTY


“I’M LEAVING TONIGHT.”

Iria’s head shot up at Em’s words, her face crinkling in confusion. “What?”

Em turned to Aren, who was perched on the edge of a chair. They were in the library, at the far end of the room in case anyone got the urge to listen by the door. He was obviously surprised, but also maybe relieved.

“I have everything I need,” she said. “It’s time for me to go get Olivia.”

“You do not have everything we need,” Iria said. “We need for you to stay so you don’t arouse suspicion.”

Iria had a point about that. Surely there would be questions if she suddenly disappeared.

But she couldn’t keep lying to Cas. She’d told him she would come to his room again tonight, and she wanted to do it so desperately, her chest ached.

But she couldn’t look into his eyes and lie. Not even one more time.

“We were planning to attack within a week, probably less,” Iria said. “You can wait a few more days.”

“I need time to get to Olivia,” Em said. “What if they move her after the attack?”

Iria pulled a piece of hair from her braid and twirled it around her finger. “Tell you what. We’ll give you a two-day head start. I’ll confirm when the attack is happening, and you can leave two days before that. At that point it will be too late for them to launch any kind of effective defense, even if your disappearance arouses suspicions. They’ll still be trying to figure out where you went and why.”