Rock Chick Reborn (Rock Chick #9)(33)

His ex had not talked to him and his whole life got derailed.

Damn.

I shook my head but said, “I don’t know what happened. He’s just in there.”

“How?”

“In my bones. In my soul. It was all good and then it wasn’t and I was across the room and I don’t even know how I got here. I just know he was back.”

“He’s dead.”

“Not in a way he’ll ever be gone.”

“Dead is dead, sweetheart, it’s you who can control if he stays alive the ways he can.”

“He beat me.”

It was like he’d crossed the room, wrapped his hand around my throat and squeezed so I couldn’t take a breath, the anger burning from him was so strong, the air in the room vanished.

“I did not enjoy having sex with him. He did not care. He took what he wanted whenever he wanted.”

I’d felt the room.

Why did I say more?

Now his arms were bent at his sides, his fingers curled into fists, his chest moving steady but fast, the heaves powerful, rhythmically lifting his entire torso as his eyes stayed glued to me.

“I’m too much for you, or any man, to take on,” I whispered.

“You wet for me?” he growled.

“S-say what?”

“Are. You. Wet. For me?”

Oh Lordy.

Just him asking that question made me wet(ter) for him even if we were having a serious conversation that shouldn’t be sexy at all.

It was jerky but I nodded my head.

“You were there with me, definitely there with me, I was about to take it further, and then you were across the room. What triggered that?”

“I don’t know. It just happened.”

“Something triggered it, baby.”

I shook my head.

“No one since him?” he asked, going for gentle, I could tell. It was still slightly terse because he was still highly pissed after I shared what Leon had done to me.

“I . . . yes, but none that mattered.”

“I matter.”

I closed my eyes so tight I felt the wrinkles in my lids.

Because this was oh so true.

“That’s it. I matter,” he said to me. “And you’re either scared you’re gonna fuck this up or you’re scared you’re not reading it right and you’ll find you’ve picked another asshole.”

I opened my eyes.

“I’m not sure I have it in me to give you what you deserve,” I admitted.

“And what’s that?”

“Goodness. No drama. Just a clean go without history and piles of shit you got to wade through to maybe make it to the other side, but that result is not guaranteed because there’s so much shit, you might find you need to give up for your own sake.”

“You think I’m gonna give up on you?” he asked, a tad bit scarily.

“I don’t know. More, I’m not sure I’m worth the effort.”

The air evacuated the room again because he was pissed as shit again.

I decided maybe it was best if I stopped talking.

“I thought we got past this,” Moses said when I said nothing.

“You don’t see.”

“Make me see.”

Suddenly I threw up both hands at my sides.

“It wasn’t what Leon did to me, Moses!” I snapped. “He was always good for nothin’. And I let him have me. What does that say about me?”

“I don’t know, but obviously you do, so I want to hear you say it.”

“My sister, Dorothea, she was the pretty one. She was the quiet one. She was the sweet one. She got the handsome man. She made the beautiful family.”

“And that wasn’t for you?”

“I was the hell raiser. I was good for nothin’, just like Leon.”

“So you had sass and that means you didn’t deserve a good life with a decent man in it?”

“I was never good enough.”

“Good enough for what, Shirleen? Good enough for who?”

“Good enough for my teachers, who thought I was slow. Good enough for my father, who took off on us. Good enough for my aunts and uncles, who saw a hellion and thought I’d never amount to anything.”

“So you proved them right.”

I lifted my chin. “Damn straight.”

“And then you had time enough without their bullshit, and with your husband dead and not beating you or raping you to realize who you were and you proved them wrong. ’Cause you know, baby, you know a man takes you without you wanting him to, he’s your husband or not, it’s rape.”

My teeth clacked audibly I shut my mouth so fast.

“I don’t know who you were, sweetheart,” he continued. “But every day I see kids who someone doesn’t think will amount to much and even if that shit is not right, they’re convinced of it just because the asshole adults around them feel the need to share. And you know what?”

“What?” I whispered.

“In most cases, it’s got fuck all to do with the kid. It’s about the asshole adult feelin’ less, understanding their limits, and the kid’s got smarts or spirit or a big personality or a sweet disposition, and they gotta do what they gotta do to shut that down because they’re jealous as fuck and they know deep inside they’ll feel even smaller than they already are because that kid is gonna be something. So they not only gotta drag the kid down, they gotta smother the life out of them.”