Reign (The Sainthood - Boys of Lowell High #3)(103)

This confusion isn’t physical. It’s emotional and psychological. My brain is clear enough to figure that part out.

Her shoulders relax, and she smiles. “So, it was a good experience?” Lo gently probes my troubled mind.

“Yes. He made it good for me, and he made sure I came too.”

“Then what’s the problem?” She threads her fingers in mine, and her touch helps to ground me.

“I wasn’t expecting to feel so much,” I croak, rubbing a hand across the tightness in my chest. “And it hit me all at once, almost knocking me off my feet.”

“That’s kind of understandable.” She looks contemplative. “You’ve thought about this, fantasized about this, for a long time, Theo.”

“So why did I freak out?” I look to her for answers I can’t find. “Why did I shut down?” The look on Caz’s face when I pushed him away, as he reached to hug me after we’d fucked, will stay with me for a long time. He was devastated, and I hate that I did that to him. That I ruined what was an otherwise perfect moment.

“Only you can answer that, Theo.” Lo widens her legs, gesturing for me to sit in front of her. I move into position, nestling between her long, slim legs, leaning my bare back against her naked chest. Resting my head against her collarbone, I sigh as her fingers wind into my hair, massaging my scalp. “You know I’m a judgment-free zone, Theo. Try to relax and just tell me the thoughts in your head. We’ll figure this out together.”

Reaching up, I clasp her wrist, angling my head so I’m looking at her. “I love you, Lo. For so many things and in so many ways, but this right here is one of the biggest reasons. I’m not sure I’d have even gotten to this point if it wasn’t for you.”

She leans down, pressing a tender kiss to my lips. “Sure, you would have. It might’ve taken a little longer, but you’d have gotten there.”

I twist my head, staring straight ahead, trying to untangle the thoughts in my head as Lo gives me a scalp massage. “I’ve never been so exposed. Stripped bare in every sense of the word,” I admit after a few minutes of amicable silence. “I feel…vulnerable. Uncomfortable in my skin, yet comfortable at the same time, and proud of myself for trusting him like that.”

Lo’s fingers drag through my hair, kneading my scalp, and I close my eyes for a moment, enjoying the sensation.

“Let’s unscramble that, because there’s a lot beneath the surface of that sentence.” She stops kneading my scalp, angling my chin up with her fingers. “Is it true you’ve never been that exposed before? That you’ve never passed trust over to another?”

I don’t have to think about it for long to understand what she’s getting at. “I did that with you.”

She nods, still holding my chin as her eyes penetrate mine. “You trusted me enough to let me use all manner of sex toys on you. You even let me fuck you with a strap-on a few times. Yet you only knew me for a few months. You’ve known Caz for years.”

“I feel like a fraud,” I admit in a whisper.

“Why?”

“Because I still don’t know who I am or what I am.”

Her lips purse, and heat flares in her eyes. “This better not be about labels, Theo, because we’ve already had this discussion. You are you.” She slides her hand down to my chest. “One of the smartest, kindest, most loyal people I know.”

“You forgot sexiest,” I quip.

Her lips kick up. “That goes without saying.” Her smile softens. “We are who we are at any given moment in time, but it’s always evolving, because that’s in our nature. And we’re only at the start of this journey called life.”

“I love how you own who you are. No apologies or fucks given,” I admit.

“That.” She prods my chest. “That is exactly what I’m talking about. I knew that Theo one time. A boy who was excited to explore possibilities. What’s changed?”

I dig deep to unroot the truth I’ve always known these past couple of years. “My parents are in my head. They cast me away for being me. Maybe that’s when I stopped owning who I was and the image of who I wanted to be.”

“Fuck those motherfucking assholes,” Lo hisses, fire dancing in her eyes. “They are such hypocrites. They defied your mom’s parents for love, but now their heads are so far up their asses they can’t see how they are doing to you what her parents tried to do to them.”

It’s a true assessment. A truth I’ve told myself many times, but their words cut deep, slicing at the very core of who I was becoming. “The logical part of my brain agrees with you, but there’s an innate part of me that thinks everyone else will react the same if I show them who I truly am.”

“I know who you are. So do the guys. And we all love you for being you. We will support you, no matter what. No questions asked.”

“Is that why Saint and Galen haven’t said one word to me?” I’ve seen the knowing looks these past few weeks, confirming they’ve seen the attraction between Caz and me. I expected Saint to come knocking on my door, but their silence has been deafening.

“Like me, they didn’t want to interfere,” Lo says, adding, “unlike me, they’re not so comfortable speaking about feelings and emotions.”