Reckless Abandon(24)
The two of them have a comfortable relationship. They can get silly with each other. Actually, that’s just Leah. It’s in her nature to draw you in and make you feel as comfortable as possible.
“How’s Emma? Is she there with you?” Mom asks.
I shake my head dramatically but Leah’s flashes a huge smile and says, “She’s right here.”
I pinch my lips together, scowling at Leah but my face quickly turns into a polite smile when the screen is turned in my direction.
Mom is sitting there wearing a T-shirt with an orange calico cat on it that says, “Every life should have 9 cats.” It’s early in Ohio so she must be getting ready to go out in the garden.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, baby. How are you feeling?” she asks, her voice turning down an octave from when she was talking to Leah.
I run my nails along my neck and scratch down the sides. “I’m good. Just as Leah said, having a great time.”
Mom moves closer to the screen as if she can see me better if she rests her retinas against the glass. “Leah said you went out to a club. Did you have fun?”
“I did.”
“You’re getting out and seeing the sites?”
“We are.”
“Are you eating?” Her eyes skim my face.
“I am.” Leah’s staring at me from the other side of the screen. She doesn’t understand how I can answer in two-word answers. She is the world’s biggest chatterbox.
“Is it beautiful?” Mom asks and I find myself smiling out of natural instinct. Capri is the most magnificent place. We’ve only been here for three days yet I can commit to memory every sparkle of the sun on the copper landscape and every crash of a wave against the granite rock. It is as if I were meant to be here. I just feels right.
“More so than I’ll ever be able to describe.”
Mom’s eyes crinkle as her cheeks rise up. “That’s good to hear, baby.” She shifts in her seat and then leans forward again. “I’m glad you’re together. It’s your brother’s birthday soon. He’d be so happy you two are in such a beautiful place.” Mom’s eyes tear up at the mention of Luke and I have to turn my head to the side and take in a deep breath.
Luke.
We don’t talk about Luke. At least, I don’t. What is there to say? If it wasn’t for me and my stupid relationship and my stupid desire to get out then he would still be here.
I can’t stand to see the sadness in my mom’s eyes, nor can I handle her seeing me break down. I turn the iPad away from me and point it back toward Leah whose mouth is wide open. Her face is giving me a what-the-f*ck expression.
Rising from the bed, I leave Leah to talk to my mom while I head out of the room. I open the sliding door, step out on the portico and walk through it to the grassy area looking over the Marina Grande.
The sun is still out but the sky is taking an orange-ish color, as the sun is in the early stages of its decent. Plopping down on the grass, I pull my legs in to my chest and rest my chin on my knees.
I am so far away from home. So far away from the troubles that leave me feeling broken and afraid. It doesn’t matter how far away you are from your problems, they live with you, deep inside your soul. You cannot escape.
My throat heaves out and I bellow from deep inside my gut. I know I am a bitch. No one needs to explain it to me. My poor mother lost a son and instead of thinking about how sad she must be that her baby boy’s birthday is in two days and he isn’t here to see it, I am so caught up in my own selfish head. I can’t comfort her because I don’t even know how to process it all.
Luke was my baby as well. I was only four years old when Mom and Dad brought him home, but I remember it vividly. He was wearing a soft blue layette with white ruffle trim.
The first time they placed Luke in my arms I was nervous. He was so small and delicate. The adults kept on chanting things like “Watch his head” and “Hold on tight.” He had light red hair and these dark eyes like mine and Mom’s. When they looked up at me for the first time I was in love.
When Luke was old enough to sleep in his own bed he would go in properly at night, just as Mom and Dad told him to. But every night, like clockwork, he would crawl into my bed when the adults were asleep. He said he was afraid of the dark, but I think he just wanted to be close to me. When Mom and Dad found us snuggled together in the morning they never said a word.
When Mom started driving me to Pittsburgh for music lessons, Luke would come for the ride. He had to endure four hours in a car and more hanging with my mom in a lobby, waiting for me to finish my lesson. Leah kicked and screamed when she had to go, so Mom made arrangements for her to stay with a friend on those days. Luke was different. He came because it was important to Mom and me.
I went to college two hours away from home at the time Luke started high school. My formative years were much different from his. I was a music geek who spent my free time playing the violin. Luke lived the life. He was on the varsity football team and held the keg parties in the woods. I looked forward to our weekly phone calls during which he described every escapade of the week. Sometimes he asked advice about problems with girls or a fight with a friend. I tried to give him solid advice and I’d like to think he took it.
The last year and a half, we spoke less as he partied it up at Ohio State and I settled into my career. Still, once a week we were on the phone. The bond was still there and still strong.