Queenie(34)

“What do you mean?” I had no idea what the correlation could be.

“You know! All of that testosterone, and the scrum, and they’re always doing that thing where they’re bent over waiting for the ball to be passed between the legs? Their eyes are literally always on bottoms,” Darcy said, putting the milk in the fridge.

“I think that’s American football, isn’t it? With the bending and the ball between the legs?” I corrected her despite knowing nothing about any sport. “Anyway, that’s not the point, the point is that I had actual anal sex. For the first time ever,” I said smugly, hiding a wince as I leaned on my bruised thighs.

“Did you never do it with Tom?”

“What, with Mr. Logic, the man who used to only want to have sex in two positions? No. Do you ever do it with Simon?”

“Only on Valentine’s Day. It’s my annual gift to him,” Darcy said as we walked to the meeting room and sat at the table. “Did you like it?”

“I think so. Anyway, he left at about midday, and then came back an hour later, when I was trying to sleep off my hangover, to ask for my number. And despite not wanting to betray Tom by having any sort of long-term thing, I gave it to him. Tom still isn’t replying, you know,” I said, my tone switching from matter-of-fact to plain sad.

“Do you think you’ll see Guy again?” Darcy asked, losing her face in her mug as she took a gigantic gulp of her tea.

“Yes, tell us, do you think you’ll see him again?” Gina asked, taking a seat at the table. “Or do you think you’ll actually do some work, the work that we’re paying you to do? Again you haven’t filed your listings.”

“Sorry, Gina,” I said, mortified. “I’ll go and do it now, I was just waiting for someone to check—”

“No, no, you stay,” Gina said, putting a hand on my arm as I got up to leave. Darcy took the opportunity to slip away, sneaking me an apologetic smile.

“What’s going on?” Gina asked irritably, running a hand through her short blond hair.

“What do you mean?” I asked, knowing exactly what was coming. I was surprised this telling-off had taken so long.

“I mean, what’s wrong with you? You’re being odd. Your behavior,” Gina said.

“Nothing, Gina, I’m fine,” I lied, getting up from the table.

“No, no, sit down,” Gina said. I did as I was told. “Don’t lie to me, not when I’ve taken the time to talk to you about this properly rather than giving you a written warning.” My heart lurched. “You aren’t fine. You’ve been late, you keep getting things wrong, and I know that Leigh keeps covering for you. Last Wednesday you just didn’t come in?”

I felt the pride in myself and my job that I’d worked so hard to cultivate slip away. There was no point in lying. “I’m sorry, Gina,” I said to my boss, and looked at the floor. “It’s relationship stuff, but that’s no excuse.” Embarrassment coated my words. “It’s not like anyone has died,” I said. “I’m sorry again. It won’t keep happening.” I tried to look up and into Gina’s catlike eyes, but instantly looked down at the table. How could I have let this happen, despite promising myself that it wouldn’t? Even if, worst-case scenario, I got fired and had to rebuild the tiny career I’d created, I didn’t have Tom’s financial help anymore, how would I pay my rent? My stomach dropped further than I thought it could.

“It isn’t fine. I’ve been there, I know what it’s like, and I know that you have a habit of minimizing things.” Gina was being nice today, it seemed. “You mustn’t. Look, Queenie, some advice for you. Whenever I’ve had a huge upheaval, my mother has always said, ‘Keep one foot on the ground when two are in the air.’ At least you’ve got your job, and you’ve got a place to live, so try to keep your focus on those things.”

“So, like, I have three feet in this? Like a tripod?” I asked her.

“You know what I mean.” Gina waved my question away with a flick of the wrist. “Why don’t you take a couple of days off? Go away for the weekend, give yourself some proper thinking space.”

“I’m okay, really I am. It’s better for me to come to work,” I said, knowing that I could never afford to just go anywhere for the weekend. “I’m not good at sitting home with nothing to focus on. It’s when the demons come knocking.”

“The offer always stands. Whenever you need it. I’m sorry to say it, but you will need to face up to those demons at some point.” She stood up and patted me on the shoulder. “Now, if you are going to be here, can you get back to work? Thank you in advance.”



* * *



I went back to my desk and sat down ever so gently, vowing that today would genuinely be the day I stopped fucking about and got on with my job. I breathed out slowly as my bum touched the seat. Everything from the waist down was so tender. I worked solidly through to lunch, padding over to Darcy’s desk as soon as the clock struck one.

“Can you do me a favor? It involves coming with me somewhere,” I said, trying to sound persuasive.

“Depends,” she said, not looking away from her screen.

“The sexual health clinic,” I said, knowing that I was really testing her dedication.