Pew(20)

She stood shaking her head, frowning at the clipboard in her hands.
Well, where were we?
She flipped through the papers on the clipboard, then looked up.
Goodness me—you haven’t even gotten undressed! Now, how am I supposed to do the examination if you’re still in all your clothes and all? I’ll just give you another minute, then, OK? We haven’t got all day you know—
She shut the door and I heard her footsteps going rapidly back down the hall. I sat up, tested the door again—still locked. A tiny noise—something like the sound of a leaking ceiling, a drop of water clicking against tile, then silence, another sound, silence, another. I ran my hands across the ground, looking for water, but found, between a chair’s leg and the wall—an insect the size of my smallest fingernail. It was something like a grasshopper but smaller and brown. It jumped every few seconds, but landed on its back, the hard shell ticking against the floor. I caught it softly in my hands—one of its hind legs was bent the wrong way. It kept my attention. I could not think in any other direction.
Nancy and Dr. Winslow must have come in at some point, but I did not notice until they were standing close, standing over me and asking question after question.
When I looked up at them, they stopped speaking and the silence around all of us was the sort that comes after something has shattered—a clear, high silence.
See? Nancy said to Dr. Winslow. And we don’t have enough staff to deal with an uncooperative patient. Dr. Winslow nodded, turned, and was gone.



OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL I crouched beside a bush, opened my cupped hands, and waited for the insect to jump out. I felt Hilda’s shadow cast across my back. The insect did not move. I looked for its eye or antennae to flicker, but they did not. Its legs were bent up into its body. I set it down in some mulch beneath the bush and stood, uncertain.
Hilda did not speak as we got into the car or as the car left the parking lot or as the car sped up the ramp to the highway, down the highway, miles down the highway, taking us with it. She did not speak and she did not turn on the radio. She did not look at me and I did not look at her. We both looked forward and wet, cold gusts of air came through the vents toward us. I wondered about the insect, about whether it was dead, whether I might have suffocated it, whether I had crushed it somehow without realizing.
I’m a patient woman, Hilda said eventually. I was taught to be patient, and I am patient, and I believe Jesus would be patient, so it’s what I should do and I really do try, but I am just about running out of patience.
She opened her palms on the steering wheel then regripped it, finger by finger, faint veins visible along her forearms.
I’m sorry, but … the examination—maybe we didn’t make it clear or maybe I didn’t make it clear—this was important to us. Steven and I decided that we really needed some clarity on you in order to keep you in our house. We have concerns, you know, legitimate concerns. And this lack of cooperation, well, it is really trying my patience. We can’t help you if you won’t tell us anything and won’t even let a doctor make sure you’re physically … all right. You must understand that we’re not obligated to help you—that we’re doing this out of our own kindness. And who do you think paid for that? I paid for that. It’s not free. They’re not just giving out free doctors’ appointments to anyone who needs them, you know. We had to pay for it, and it wasn’t cheap.
Some distance up the highway a small car appeared to have driven off into a ditch. A tow truck was there. A few people stood at the edge of the road, still and close together while someone attached a chain to the back of the car.
You must think I’ve never known anything hard, that none of us do, that we could never understand. But isn’t that just the problem? We don’t know anything about you because you won’t tell us, but we’re only asking so we can help you.
Hilda slowed down as we approached the car and truck. A woman was sitting on the side of the road, at the feet of two men. Her hair was matted on one side with what looked like blood. The men stood with their arms folded, watching as the chain went taut and slowly pulled the car from the ditch. As we passed them, Hilda rolled down her window and stuck an arm out, waving. All three of them waved back, waved and smiled, even the one with the bloody head. Hilda rolled her window up and sped away.
Maybe you think we won’t understand, but we really would understand. I know difficulty. I know real pain. She swallowed. I’ll even tell you. Then she didn’t say anything. We drove a half mile in silence before she began.
My father, the man you met in the waiting room, a few years ago he was real sick, nearly died, and after that he just wasn’t the same anymore. Then one afternoon, he got a kitchen knife and stabbed my stepmother in the eye. Just stabbed her in the eye, just like that out of nowhere. So we had to put him out there at Monroe because the nursing home wouldn’t take him and thank God he didn’t manage to kill Paulina because our family—our reputation—well, I don’t think we would have recovered from something like that. It would have affected me, the boys, my husband. We would have all been tainted, maybe would’ve been forced to move away …
When my father married Paulina, well, she was so much younger than him and she didn’t—she just didn’t match the rest of us. She was nervous and she looked different, you know, dark haired, sort of tan—well … She never knew her father and I think there was a reason her mother kept him hidden. She didn’t even wear white at the wedding—and it wasn’t her second wedding or anything. You can’t even imagine how difficult it was growing up. Even at church the children picked on me about it. Seems like children are often the first to just come out and say what’s wrong with something. And to have to call someone Mother who behaves like she did … Well, it just wasn’t right. We were the only family like that in town, so we had to work twice as hard to be … right. To sit right with the community. It’s all we have here—sitting right with the community. It’s all anyone wants.