Our Little Secret(56)

I rested my chin on my fist. “You’d really do that? For me?”

“My dear, I should have hired a sniper for their wedding,” Freddy said, chuckling. Then he snapped his fingers in disappointment. “Bugger it, that was a chance missed.”

Mom giggled at that.

“You could have hired me. I’d have done it for free,” I said, and that got us all roaring. We laughed and laughed and laughed.

Freddy was the first to calm down. He refilled his glass and took a gulp. “Well, at least we’ve had a good chuckle. And we’ve solved one problem. Quite often with these things you have to name it to tame it.”

Mom nodded. We sat quietly for a moment, everything turning somber again.

“You mustn’t worry, sweetheart,” Mom said. “We’re here for you. We’ll take care of everything. You leave it to us.”

“We love you, Ange. We’re both in your corner. And believe me, we’re excellent people to have on your team.”





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25


When Tate comes back in, he hangs by the door and stares at me for a few seconds before he speaks. He takes off his tie and hangs it on the back of his chair.

“We’re in trouble,” he says.

I’m so tired I might cry.

“They pulled Saskia out of a lake an hour ago. Dead. That’s the only thing they told me.” Tate clears his throat. “I’m sorry to be the one to pass that on.”

I can’t get another clear thought, so I nod like I’m listening but my brain’s sucking in on itself like mud in a geyser. Every time I inhale, the walls pull closer.

“Let’s prepare ourselves now, Angela. Novak’s coming for you, and we need to be ready.”

I’m trying to steady my head, but I’ve been holding back the truth. I haven’t told a soul. It’s sitting at every edge of me now, ready to spill out: all these hours in this room and I never said once that it was Freddy and Mom who came up with the plan.

“Angela, the only way to exorcise these demons of yours is to take them on full-force. Attack from the front. You need action.” Freddy thumped one fist into the other. “You need to take charge.”

The three of us were still sitting on that couch in Boston, watching the dying light.

“Let’s wipe out this poisonous chapter,” Mom added. “All it takes is letting go. We’ll bury the past, start over and throw the entire book into the fire.” Her eyes glittered. “Everything will be better after that.”

“That’s right,” Freddy echoed, straightening his blazer. “Let the whole sorry thing go. Move on. Begin afresh. All of us.” His sentences punched out like military coordinates. What was I to do but go along with it? Even talking about Saskia and the swirl she’d caused inside me was helpful—admitting to Freddy and Mom that my brain had grown crusty and unwell was like handing over a sickness to be cured. I was no longer alone in the labyrinth. I had allies. Whatever we did together would be our little secret.

Freddy organized every last detail, including contacting Saskia and inviting her to the lake to meet up with me. Thursday night was warm. Mom and I drove out to Elbow Lake in her car, the windows down as we sped along past the liquor store and north to the highway. There was heat left over from the day, like memory, beating upwards from the asphalt.

“Now, make sure you go through with it,” she shouted over the Les Misérables CD she’d insisted on bringing, the woman’s song strident and mournful. “Remember everything we’ve told you about fixing the problem once and for all.”

I stretched my right hand out the open window, letting the air current push my flat palm up and down.

“All I’m going to do once I’m there is stand lookout, darling, just to make sure nothing goes wrong.” She glanced sharply at the clock on the dash. “Freddy should be there by now, with Saskia.”

We reached the track down to Elbow Lake, Mom’s car bumping over the rutted grass to the shoreline. She parked fifty feet from the dock, and I could see Saskia standing alone down there, feathery and delicate in the evening sun. She was wearing a light-gray top that billowed behind her like a sail.

“How are we feeling?” Freddy strode towards Mom and me as we got out of the car and shut the doors. He was rubbing his hands together like we were about to eat a feast. “Angela? Are you up for this?”

My heart fluttered, mothy and condemned.

“In these situations”—he put his solid arm around me—“it’s best not to overthink it. Just get in there and do what has to be done.”

“It’s the only way to feel better and move on,” Mom said, flanking me on the other side.

Freddy lifted his chin at Saskia. “She spoke all the way here about her need to resolve things. It’s an entirely open door.”

Saskia waved from the dock, her hand uncertain. I couldn’t wave back. I yanked my neck out of Freddy’s hug.

“I can’t do this,” I said.

“I think you’ll find you can,” said Freddy. “You’ll never get a better chance than this one.”

“You can end this, Angela,” Mom said.

The two of them gripped my hands, walking me down to the dock. As we got nearer to Saskia, I could see her face, pale and strained but hopeful. After all this time, she still believed the world was a nice place. The wood of the dock was grainy, the nails rusted darker and deeper. I took two steps on the ramp while Mom and Freddy stood behind me on the last of the shore. When I turned back, they were waiting with their arms crossed.