Our Little Secret(12)

That early morning with HP was an on switch I never thought we’d flick. Once we’d found it, the light fell differently on us. I’d never been naked before—not like that. Suffice to say I didn’t know I had those instincts until I found them with him.





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4


As I speak, all these memories flood me and I’m back in the past, alive there, with all the light the same. I go quiet for long stretches, following pathways of old thoughts right to their very end, enjoying the camber of voices I recognize. So many perfect days are stored in my head. Novak brings me back if I take too long, and I try to let him see the moment I’ve just relived. I’m not sure if I can, though—not to any real depth. It’s one of life’s great sadnesses, surely, the inability to properly convey. But I’m trying.


I woke up in HP’s truck, pulling the fleece of the blanket around my ribs as I peeped over the rim of the truck bed. There were my classmates packing up camp, stamping out the fire, gathering up chip packets—I don’t know how long we’d slept but the sun was high in the sky and Ezra was starting the climb up the hill towards us.

“HP!” I shook his shoulder, rocking him out of the depths of sleep. “We have to get dressed!” I reached for my clothes, scrunched in a pile beside him.

“Hi.” He pulled me against him and nuzzled into my neck.

“They’re walking right up the hill.”

He stretched and yawned, his mouth cavernous.

“Get clothes on!” I squeaked, trying to bat his hands away as I fastened my bra.

“You look good when you’re freaking out. Your eyes get even bigger.” He pulled on his pants and sat up. “Listen. Slow down a second. I just want to say something.” I let him pull me over towards him and when he kissed me we were hungry again in a surge, our hands on each other’s faces.

It was Ezra who separated us. He clanked the cooler HP had pilfered into the truck and hopped up on the tailgate, his back to us.

“Well, well, well.” Ezra lit a cigarette and turned to face us. “Look who’s graduated.” He picked up my tank top and twirled it on his forefinger. I grabbed it. “You better get shoes on, bro. Your girlfriend’s ten steps away.”

HP said nothing but leapt over the side of the truck and sauntered down to the lake as Lacy arrived at the tailgate in Ezra’s grad jacket.

“Where did he go?” she asked, watching me roll up his man blanket.

“HP, HP, HP.” Ezra blew smoke rings and pinched a strand of tobacco from between his front teeth as Lacy took off down the hill again. “We all need HP.”

He looked startled when I grabbed his cigarette and took a drag. “Since when do you smoke?”

“You don’t know me like you think you do, Ez.” I inhaled deeply, coughing while trying to seem like I’d done it before. “And FYI, HP’s gonna kick your ass.”

“Oh, get real. As if he’s into Lacy.” He grabbed the cigarette back. “Lacy’s gonna kick your ass.”

We glanced down the hill to see that Lacy had caught up to HP by the fire pit. He put his hands on his hips as he stood listening to her. She tried to touch his bare shoulder but of course he stepped back. I watched as he zipped up Ezra’s grad jacket for her before walking back towards us.

“It’s like a line dance where the partners switch,” Ezra said. “We’ve all gone do-si-do.”

We drove back to town, our formation along the front seat the same: I was still jammed up against Lacy and could feel the hate burning out of her towards the side of my head. I didn’t look at her. The boys must have sorted out their differences with a few loose sentences while they packed up the truck; they both shouted song lyrics as we drove through town.

When Ezra parked outside my house, I got out to grab my bag from the back. Through the study window, I could see Dad slowly pacing the room as he read a piece of paper in his hands.

“See you guys soon,” I said. “Thanks for the ride, Ez.”

“Later.” HP winked at me.

As I walked up the steps of the front porch, Dad emerged with a letter, which he waved so eagerly his hair bobbed. I walked right past him and into the house. Mom was doing sudoku on the couch, rubbing out a number she’d gotten wrong. As I walked into the living room, she looked up with the eyes of someone expecting a wedding announcement.

“So? How did it go? Sweetheart, tell me everything.”

She patted the cushion next to hers, but instead I dropped my bag on the floor and trudged straight to the fridge.

“Was it wonderful? Did HP look after you?”

I drank milk straight from the carton but she was too enraptured to notice.

“I remember my grad weekend. I danced all night with Kenny Calahan and darling, I can tell you, he was no slouch. He drove me home in his father’s BMW. It purred like a cat. I love a man in a Beamer.”

“Is that why you chose Dad?” I snorted, looking around to see where he’d gone. He must have retreated back to his study.

“I didn’t meet Dad until I was twenty-two! We were in Twelfth Night together; he was Malvolio, which was unattractive, but he charmed me at the cast party. I’ve told you this story before.”