Only the Rain(47)

I spent the first half of the afternoon convincing myself that my plan would work, then started worrying about how I was going to get out of the house that night without Cindy asking a bunch of questions. I wasn’t all that sure I could even keep my nerves under control. Chances were ten to one she would see right through me.

I also spent some time convincing Emma that “the lady” who played hide-and-seek with her came with two guys interested in buying my bike. Cause I knew there was no way to keep Emma from telling Cindy about them being at the house. Emma hadn’t seen but a glimpse of the two guys, if even that, so I was safe there. Shelley was the problem. Had been ever since I first laid eyes on her.

And yep, Cindy and Dani came through the door a little after five, and there goes Emma gushing on and on about the pretty lady who came and played hide-and-seek with her and how Emma won because nobody but Daddy knew where she was hiding.

Of course Cindy looked at me and said, “What lady?”

“I think she was the girlfriend of this young guy who stopped by to ask about the bike. Him and his father, I think.”

“Ask what?”

“He heard I might be looking to sell it.”

“Where would he hear that?”

“I mentioned it to a couple people at the picnic on Labor Day.”

“I thought we talked about that. How would you get to work in the future?”

“I know. I wasn’t thinking when I mentioned it at the picnic. I guess I was sort of panicking about not having a job and all.”

“Did they make an offer on the bike?”

“Yeah but it was way too low. Plus the guy had never ridden a bike before. I told him he needed to start out on something smaller. Like a five hundred maybe. Get some experience, you know? You don’t start out on an eight-hundred-pound bike unless it comes equipped with training wheels.”

“You told him that?” she said.

“His father laughed and shook my hand for it. Said he’d been telling the boy the same thing.”

Cindy smiled at that, so I knew it was a good time to change the subject. I said to Emma, “Tell Mommy what we made for dinner.”

“Pasgetti!” Emma said.

“We smelled it in the garage,” Dani said.

“The sauce is ready, but I have to put the pasta in and toast the garlic bread,” I said.

“A salad?”

“You bet.”

And that was how I got over the first hurdle. I still had to get out of the house later, and I still had to come back home alive.

I know you know what it’s like to come back home again after a deployment, Spence. I worked a long time after the desert to get my tender feelings back. And now they were killing me. All that afternoon, every time I looked at Emma I’d have to fight back the tears. Then again while all of us were sitting there having supper together. I kept looking at all of them and wondering, what if this is the last time I ever spend with you? Then I’d look at Cindy’s belly, what I could see of it above the table, and think about the tiny little baby in there, and wonder, will I ever get a chance to hold you?

I knew I had to man up and face the music, Spence, but Jesus I was feeling weak. All I really wanted was to gather my girls around me and pull up the covers and shut out the world.

And then I heard your voice. I swear I did. After dinner I’d sent the girls into the living room, so I was out in the kitchen alone, loading up the dishwasher and wiping off the counters. And that’s when I heard you. Brothers stand together, you said. You find yourself in a shit storm, you call on your brother.

I actually turned around and looked, because it sounded like you were right there beside me. I know I didn’t imagine it. And I knew exactly what you meant. It was probably the clearest thought I’d had all day. Before every mission you said the exact same thing to us. We weren’t in it alone, that’s what you were telling us. No matter how afraid and alone we felt, we had our brothers there with us. “Time to do the dance,” you always said. The dance with Death. The one dance we all danced together.

Of course I would’ve called you, Spence, if you’d been here to call. And you would’ve come running, I know that too. But only one other name came to me. I kept asking myself, who else? Who else do I know around here who’s been where we’ve been and done what we’ve done? And I kept coming back to the same one man. The one man I didn’t want to call.

He’d been through it too. A different place and a different time, but it was still the same dance, wasn’t it? The one only soldiers know.

Need your help, I texted Pops. Call me a little before nine and ask me to come see you. Will explain when I get there.



It started thundering around eight that night. Deep, rolling growls that kept getting closer and closer, then finally exploding into booms that made the girls squeal and pull the covers over their heads. I sat there on the edge of Dani’s bed, reading to them and making jokes about the thunder so they wouldn’t be too scared. I could hear Cindy out in the kitchen gathering up the candles and flashlights the way she always did when a storm hit at night.

After I got the girls tucked in I sat out on the couch with Cindy, just sitting there with my arm around her, both of us jumping every time lightning cracked and lit up the windows. When Pops’ call came we both jumped again. But by that time the thunder and lightning had given me an idea.