Only Child(32)

But then came a crying sound that was quiet at first and it sounded far away from me, but then it got louder, and it came from Mommy somewhere in the room. Mommy’s crying got louder and it went on for a long time and I thought that maybe I should go find her, but I didn’t move from my spot by the door, because I started to get to know this spot and I didn’t want to get to know anything else in the room. All of a sudden I heard a loud crash, and it made me look up from my feet. Right away I saw everything I didn’t want to see.

The casket, right in the front of the room, in the middle. It was a different color than Uncle Chip’s—this one was light brown and Uncle Chip’s was black—and this one was smaller. The lid was closed, not open like Uncle Chip’s, and lots of flowers were on top of the lid. I started to feel all hot under the suit. Andy was inside of there, his body.

Daddy and Mimi were in front of the casket, and they were pulling Mommy up—she was on the floor, next to a big vase with purple flowers that was fallen over. Between my spot by the door and Andy’s casket in the front were a lot of chairs all in a row with a walkway in between them, almost like how the benches were in the church after the gunman came. There were flowers along the walls and next to the casket. They were pretty and in lots of colors and now I knew why it smelled like a garden in here. I saw pictures everywhere, too, mostly of Andy and some of all our family, and the pictures were on boards and some in picture frames on skinny tables.

I heard sounds behind me, and people started to come in the wake room. Grandma and Aunt Mary, my cousin Jonas who pees in the bed, and his mom and dad, and some other people from our family. Mommy and Daddy and Mimi stood in the front. Mommy was holding on to Daddy’s arm, and she looked like she was going to fall down again. She stared straight in front of her and didn’t make any crying sounds anymore. Tears were running down her face and dripping on her black dress, but she didn’t wipe them off, just let them drip, drip, drip.

More and more people came in, and everyone talked in quiet voices like whispering, like maybe they were afraid to wake Andy up in his casket. All the whispering together sounded loud in my ears.

“Let’s go and stand with your mom and dad in the front,” Grandma said. She pushed me with her hand, and her fingernails were digging in my back a little. We all made a line in the front, very close to the casket: me, Mommy, Daddy, Grandma and Mimi and Aunt Mary. I didn’t want to be there, so close.

All the other people came in the front to talk to us. The sleeves of my suit started to bother me again, and my right hand got stuck every time I tried to put it up to do handshakes. At the top of the shirt by my throat where Daddy made a knot with the tie, it felt tight. I swallowed a lot of times, and every time I could feel the swallowing get stuck on my tie knot. More people came and said, “My condolences,” more hugs, more handshakes with my hand getting stuck in the sleeve.

My stomach did a growl like I was hungry, but I didn’t feel hungry. I tried to pull on the tie knot with my fingers to make it not so tight. It didn’t move, and now it started to feel hard to breathe. I got hot all over and no air was going in when I tried to breathe, and my stomach started to feel worse.

I left our line in the front and I walked to the lobby room. I wanted to run because I felt like poop was going to come, but I didn’t run, there were too many people and they were all looking at me, and the red juice spill was starting to happen. When I got to the lobby room I spotted the bathroom sign, and it was all the way at the other end of the room. I tried to get there fast, and I was sweating a lot and breathing a lot, but no air was coming in. I finally got in the bathroom. I could feel the poop coming, and I tried to open the pants from my suit, but it had a slidey button that was stuck and I couldn’t get it open.

The poop came. It came and came, and I could feel it hot in my underwear. I think it was diarrhea, because I could also feel something hot on my left leg, running down all the way to my sock.

I tried to stand very still because everything felt wet and sticky and I didn’t want to feel it. The smell was making me feel sick, it smelled really bad. I didn’t know what to do. I was stuck in the bathroom with poop all in my pants, and outside the bathroom were all those people and everyone was going to know.

There was a sign on the toilet paper thing: JUMBO TWIN ROLL TISSUE DISPENSER. I read it over and over again.

JUMBO TWIN ROLL TISSUE DISPENSER.

JUMBO TWIN ROLL TISSUE DISPENSER.

JUMBO TWIN ROLL TISSUE DISPENSER.

I traced the words with my finger.

JUMBO TWIN ROLL TISSUE DISPENSER.

It helped me calm down a little bit to read it a lot of times. I knew which word was coming next, and when I was done, I started all over again.

I stood in the toilet stall for a long time and nothing changed. It smelled worse, so I had to do something about it, except I didn’t know what and we didn’t bring any extra pants. No one came in, and I didn’t hear any voices from outside, so I tried to take my pants off again and this time the button opened right away, and that was really unfair that it opened now but not earlier when the poop was coming.

I slowly pulled the pants down. The smell got worse, and I felt like I had to dry-heave. Dry-heaving is when you feel like you have to throw up and your mouth moves like you are throwing up, but nothing comes out. When I get carsick when Daddy is driving and I throw up in a bag that Mommy holds for me, right away Daddy and Andy start dry-heaving and they act all dramatic. Then Daddy opens all the windows, and he should have opened them before I got carsick.