Once and for All(20)

“. . . just one of those days,” she was saying. “And did you hear about the shooting in California? Five kids, they are saying. Five. That’s the most since—”

I shut the door so hard behind me it rattled the glass, not that anyone noticed. Everyone’s always in their own world, when it’s still an option.





CHAPTER


    5





“SEE?” JILLY yelled. “Making memories! You and me! Just like the yearbook!”

At least, that was what I thought she said. It was hard to be sure, as we were in the center of a tightly packed crowd of people dancing and also screaming at each other over the thumping, bass-driven music. All this in the living room of an A-frame house that had apparently been the place to party for everyone at our school for the last year. Jilly had been saying hello to people all night. So far, I hadn’t recognized a soul.

But I was here, in the early minutes of my first full day as a high school graduate, a warm beer in one hand. Our commencement, held in an amphitheater at the U, had been long and dull, a fact made even more difficult by the hot, humid night. Each time I looked up from my place in the rows of chairs—Steve Baroff beside me, red-eyed, giggling occasionally—all I could see were people fanning themselves with programs, the movement back and forth almost hypnotic. I felt awake only during the few minutes I was on my feet, walking to the stage and then across it to get my diploma. The crowd had been told repeatedly not to cheer for individual graduates—a directive totally ignored, so I still heard William’s voice shouting “Bravo!” somewhere in the distance.

It wasn’t just the heat hanging over us. There was also that day’s school shooting, the details of which I’d done my best to avoid. This was not easy, as my classmates were discussing it as we lined up, and then the principal made mention of it not once but three times during his prepared remarks. I understood the reasons for this. It was the world we were living in, our reality, and as another public high school, we couldn’t pretend otherwise. There had been a time, not that many months ago, when I, too, would have been glued to the news sites on my phone or the TV, sharing with anyone each new detail of breaking news. But then, another had happened. And one more. Now knowing was just too much.

I felt a bump at my back and turned as much as I could, considering the tight space, to see the boy Jilly had introduced me to earlier—Jeff? Jay?—was back beside me, a fresh beer for each of us in his hands. His friend was behind Jilly, his arms around her waist as she leaned back into him, smiling as he whispered something in her ear. This was as Out There as I’d ever been and I was trying to be a good sport about it. So when Jeff—I was pretty sure it was Jeff—held one of the cups out to me, I took it.

“It’s punch!” he yelled in my ear. “Keg was out!”

I looked down at the drink, a bright blue concoction with specks of something floating in it. “Great,” I yelled back. No way in hell was I drinking that. “Thanks.”

He nodded, slipping his now free hand around my waist as he started bopping up and down to the beat. Tall and thin, with very large ears and visible tattoos under his shirt collar, he went to another school in the area, wore a chain wallet, and had already squashed my foot more times than I could count with the heavy boots he was wearing. But he seemed nice enough, and I knew Jilly was thrilled to see me with any guy other than William. Sure enough, as I thought this, she untangled herself long enough to lean forward toward me again.

“Isn’t this the best?” she hollered, spilling some of her beer on me. “Bring on college. I am so ready!!”

I nodded, smiling at her while at the same time quite aware of Jeff’s arm tightening around me to pull me back in his direction. I felt myself tense, by reflex, and tried to put a bit more space between us. No luck: he was latched on, and now leaning into my other ear.

“I’ve never seen you out here before,” he said. “What’s your story?”

How do you even answer such a question? Stories, as a rule, had to be told. Could you really do that while pushed together on a hot dance floor where you couldn’t even hear yourself think?

Maybe I was overthinking this, I thought. I’d just give him the quickest answer I could. I turned toward him, formulating my response, but when I opened my mouth to begin, suddenly he was kissing me.

In no way did I see it coming. There was not a lean in, the slow shrinkage of space between us. Just lips, big ones, suddenly engulfing mine. He tasted like beer, and all I could feel was his tongue.

Immediately, I wrenched my head away from his, although his hand was still tight on my hip, holding me in place. “Don’t,” I said, in the loudest voice I’d used all night.

“What?” He smiled at me, sleepily, then ran his other hand down my back. “We’re just dancing, baby.”

I turned, trying to catch Jilly’s eye, but a group of girls in shiny plastic CLASS OF 16! tiaras, boas around their necks, had wound between us. The music seemed louder, suddenly, and my face was hot as I tried again to pull loose from Jeff’s grip. I was starting to panic, feeling wholly trapped, as the last girl bumped past me, her feathers tickling my face. It was that same feeling I got sometimes of things being too much, too full, more than I could take. I had a flash of people running from a building, arms over their heads, and my stomach lurched.