On a Cold Dark Sea(28)

The air outside was chilly but refreshing after the stuffy, crowded hall. Anna followed Emil along the deck and paused alongside him at the railing. She expected him to ask where Sonja was, but he seemed content to stand there quietly, enjoying a respite from the noise. Anna looked out at the stars and tried to find the constellations Papa had shown her. Maybe he was outside right now, staring at the same night sky.

“Do you want to hear the music?” Emil asked. “We can go back, if you like.”

“It’s nice here,” Anna said.

“You are enjoying the voyage?”

Anna could feel the effort it took for him to make even simple conversation. Since leaving the farm, Emil had tried to smarten himself up, smoothing down his unruly hair and making sure his shirts were neatly tucked. Nonetheless, he was still the same Emil she’d always known: tongue-tied with strangers, and awkward even when talking to Anna, despite their history together. Anna had never been much of a talker herself, but she felt like a chatterbox compared to Emil.

“Oh yes,” Anna said. “The boat’s so much nicer than I expected. I do miss home, though. I was just thinking of Papa.”

“Yes,” Emil said. The silence that followed was so long that Anna was ready to suggest they go hear the music after all. Then, finally, Emil said, “I’m glad you came.”

He didn’t look at her as he said it. If he was glad, why did he look so miserable?

“How do you think it will be for us?” she asked. “In America?”

She’d hoped the question would distract Emil from his mysteriously pensive mood, but it only seemed to make him more uncomfortable. He shifted his belt around his waist, as if that would help him straighten his thoughts. “Good. I hope.”

Bridget would be driven to distraction by a man like Emil, but Anna was more patient. “It will be strange at first,” Anna said. “But we’ll grow accustomed to it, don’t you think? Like the ship. The first day, I couldn’t believe the food at supper. So many choices! Now, it seems normal.”

Emil nodded.

“And Josef will be there.”

Saying his name was an indulgence. Anna tried not to do it too often, because the thrill of picturing Josef only rarely outweighed the sadness that inevitably followed. Emil shuffled his feet, and his hand skimmed the railing until he was almost touching Anna’s. She looked over at his tensed shoulders and pink cheeks and suddenly understood the reason for his twitchy unease. Hadn’t she always felt similarly tongue-tied around Josef?

Poor Emil.

He stammered, “When Josef and Sonja are married . . .”

Another self-conscious silence, as if Emil were hoping Anna would guess the rest.

“Yes?” she prodded. If she didn’t nudge him along, he’d never get around to saying it.

“We could marry, too.”

Though Emil had summoned the courage to declare himself, he still hadn’t looked directly at Anna. Remembering all too well the sting of rejection, she tried to think of the kindest way to turn him down.

“Think how many pretty girls you’ll meet in America!” she said, with a teasing smile.

“I don’t want to marry an American girl,” Emil said. “I want a good Swedish wife.”

“Like your brother.”

Now it felt as if Josef were standing alongside them, an invisible but unmistakable presence.

“I’m in no rush to marry,” Anna said.

“Say you’ll consider it.” Emil leaned toward Anna, and now his eyes were gazing into hers, pleading. She hated herself for inflicting such hurt, but it would be crueler to lead him on. Emil was a child in her eyes, an overgrown boy playing at adult emotions.

“I am grateful for your kindness, but . . .”

“It’s not kindness!” Anna had never heard Emil speak so decisively. “I have wanted to marry you for as long as I can remember.” Emil forged on, undeterred by Anna’s shocked silence. “I wasn’t going to say anything until after we were settled. I wanted to prove I could take care of myself first. But I don’t want you to go back to Sweden—I want you to stay.” Dropping his voice, he added, “I’ll do whatever I can to make you happy.”

In a rush of gratitude, Anna grabbed his hand. She wanted to tell him that she admired his honesty and would always care for him. But that might only raise his hopes. The affection she had for Emil would always be a dim shadow of what she felt for his brother.

“Emil, I can’t. Josef . . .”

Please don’t make me say it, Anna silently pleaded. During all those years spent together, Emil must have guessed. He’d been there when Anna trailed Josef around the farm, watching him with lovesick longing. He’d been there when Papa read Josef’s letter declaring his choice of wife. Emil had to have seen the devastation on Anna’s face.

“I know you hoped to marry Josef.” Emil didn’t look upset, only determined. “Don’t you see? If you marry me, we can still be together, all of us. Josef and Sonja and you and I can live near each other, raise our children together. A family.”

At last, Anna understood the full implications of Emil’s offer. He knew she was in love with Josef, and he accepted it, because he understood. Didn’t Emil idolize Josef just as much as Anna? Emil was accustomed to being second best.