Not Pretending Anymore(30)
I swallowed. “What was that?”
“Well, she wanted a bigger commitment sooner rather than later, ultimately marriage and kids.”
“Oh.” A knot began to form in my stomach. “You...don’t want those things?”
“Not any time in the near future. But besides that, she just wasn’t right for me.”
Even though the restaurant was noisy, somehow everything seemed drowned out in that moment.
“I see...”
He continued, “One of the things that attracted me to you was your carefree philosophy on dating. You know, you don’t seem to want anything too serious right away. I need time to breathe after that relationship. So it felt safe to ask you out.”
Safe? I nodded, needing a moment to let this sink in.
What attracted him to me was the fact that I was dating someone else? That was the reason he asked me out?
Not my personality.
Not our common interests.
But the fact that I would let him date other people?
Trying to keep my cool, I finally said, “Ah, I see.”
“I hope you don’t mind me being honest. I realize it’s only our first date, but I believe in full disclosure.”
Forcing a smile, I said, “Yeah...well... I do appreciate your honesty.”
“Thank you. And I appreciate you being honest with me . That was what finally made me take the plunge and do something I’d wanted to do for a long time.”
The food turned in my stomach. It felt like this was over before it even began. To say I was disappointed wouldn’t even cover half of what I felt.
Then again, this was my fault, right? I had given him the impression that I didn’t want anything serious.
After we left the restaurant, I was just about to head over to my Uber when Will wrapped his hands around my cheeks and pulled me in for a kiss. As he slipped his tongue inside my mouth, I could only think how different it felt than I’d imagined. It felt good, but nothing like it might have if he hadn’t squelched my hopes tonight. It made me realize more than ever that I truly did want to find a partner—my person. The question was, would I casually date Will in the hopes that his attitude might change as we got to know each other? I felt like I needed Declan’s take on this.
When I got back to the apartment, though, my roommate wasn’t there. That was no surprise. I knew he had plans with Julia. I just wished his night had also ended early, so I could talk to him.
It was almost 2AM when the door finally latched open.
I got up from the couch. “Hey.”
Immediately, I noticed it. Declan’s hair was all messed up, and he had lipstick on his mouth. I was unprepared for the level of jealousy that hit me.
“Hey.” He flashed a crooked smile.
“Looks like you had a good evening.”
“It was alright. Why do you say that?”
“Go look at yourself in the mirror.”
Declan walked over to the mirror in the hallway. “Oh shit. Yeah.”
“I take it Julia needed consoling because of her breakup?” I huffed.
He wiped his lips. “We got a little drunk and made out in the cab.”
Feeling hot, I cracked, “Wow. She moves fast, huh?”
Rather than address that, he asked, “How was your date?”
Somehow, I felt weird complaining now. Not that this was a competition, but I didn’t want to stress how lame my date had been compared to his—which had clearly gone well.
So, I downplayed my disappointment. “It was okay. We went to that new Greek place, Mykonos.”
“Was it good?”
“Yeah. The food was delicious.”
“Cool.” He paused to look at me, then narrowed his eyes. “You okay?”
Apparently I wasn’t doing a good job of seeming nonchalant. My emotions were all over the place, and I needed to go to bed, call this day over.
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
“You sure?”
“Yup.” I forced a smile. “Gonna hit the sack. Super tired.”
Declan didn’t move from his spot as he watched me move toward my room.
“’Night, Mollz,” he called after me.
I turned one last time and smiled. “Goodnight.”
***
Over the next couple of days, I didn’t cross paths much with Declan. He’d been spending more time out—probably with Julia. Due to a scheduling change, I’d worked the past two days but had Friday off.
I woke up to find a note:
TGIF! Happy day off, roomie. I made this pasta last night but ended up going out to dinner last minute. Have it for lunch “penalty free” on me. ;-)
xo Declan
For some reason, this simple note made my chest tight. It had been the longest week, and I missed him. It was fucked up how much.
Deep down, I knew it was good to have these periods of time where I didn’t see him, because I was going to have to get used to it anyway once he left. It just sucked.
***
Friday night, I met my co-workers for happy hour downtown. Will sat across from me, but you’d never have known we’d been out on a date recently. He hadn’t initiated going out again. And tonight, while he stole some flirtatious glances at me, he hadn’t come over to even kiss me on the cheek. Clearly he was keeping his options open.