Not Perfect(48)

Still, the next morning after Stuart left for work, she tried the number one more time. By then she knew it was either okay, the man had survived, or it was the worst possible outcome she could ever imagine. Again, there was no answer. And this time she was glad. She had gone against Stuart and she was sorry, not because she thought it would make him mad or that she felt she had to listen to him, but because she liked the feeling that he was looking out for her, and she wanted him to keep doing it. Why did it take such an awful situation for him to do that? Why couldn’t he just do it in their normal life? It was what she craved. What she thought married life was supposed to be. She thought it was what she had always wanted. She never tried the number again.





CHAPTER TWELVE

Fern came home with a note from the gym teacher:

Dear Tabitha,

Fern needs new gym shoes. She has been having trouble participating lately, and today I took the time to feel her toes. They are practically busting through the top of the shoes. No wonder she can’t run. I know parents are so busy these days, and so many things are overlooked or given short shrift. I know you wouldn’t want Fern to suffer. Please buy her new shoes soon.

Thank you!

In Partnership,

Melanie

“Did you read this?” Tabitha asked Fern, who was standing at the island in the kitchen pulling things out of her backpack. Tabitha noticed that even the way she stood had changed lately, since she was favoring her bad knee. She’d call about the X-ray tomorrow.

“No, she just said to give it to you.”

Tabitha went back to the top and read through it again. There was so much about the letter that irked her, not just the fact that she was being called out on shirking her parenting duties. Short shrift? Why did she have to talk that way? And why even say she knew she wouldn’t want Fern to suffer? Was that something you had to say? And “In Partnership?” Really?

Tabitha marched to Levi’s room. He wasn’t home yet and she just walked in, went right to his closet and sorted through his shoes. Luckily they hadn’t spent much time clearing things out lately, so she found three pairs that were clearly too small for him and brought them back to Fern.

“Here, try these,” Tabitha said, holding out a pair of ratty navy-blue Nikes that might possibly be in the ballpark of Fern’s size.

“Are those Levi’s old shoes?” she asked, but it sounded like she was saying, “Are those shoes made of hot lava?”

“Yes,” Tabitha said, without any more explanation.

“I’m not wearing those,” she said.

“Just try them,” Tabitha said. “Melanie says your shoes are too small.”

“They are,” Fern said matter-of-factly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Fern looked right at her.

“Because you have enough going on,” Fern said. “You don’t need to worry about my shoes, too.”

“That’s not true,” Tabitha said. “Your feet are very important. And it’s my responsibility to worry about them.”

“Can we call Dad?” Fern asked, and Tabitha had to work hard not to gasp.

“Um, sure,” Tabitha said, thinking they could call his number, he wouldn’t answer, and that would be that. She’d give another speech about how he was busy working, and how the mining unions in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan were suffering, and he was working hard to help with their rights, et cetera. They would go back to pretending that was normal for a while, and eventually Fern would ask again. How was it that they were able to do this—to pretend this was normal? And not for the first time Tabitha thought something awful; she thought: Thank goodness I don’t love him so much that I can’t live without him. Despite her hopes and dreams and her picture of what married life should be like, she thought: Thank goodness it didn’t go that way. “How about we see if any of these sneakers work, and after that you can call?”

“They’re not gonna work,” Fern said, but Tabitha knew she would try on the shoes.

Fern sighed heavily as she grabbed the dirty shoes away from Tabitha. They actually smelled pretty bad, though Fern didn’t mention that. She sat on the floor, pulling off her current pair and trying on the blue ones. They were much too big. She shook her head in a way that said, “I knew it.”

“Try these,” Tabitha said quickly, handing over a not-quite-as-bad pair of red sneakers with a white Nike mark.

Fern sighed even deeper and put them on. They were too small, which gave Tabitha hope. She handed over the third and final pair, light green with a yellow stripe that Levi barely wore because he thought they were too girly. At the time it was no big deal, they just went shopping for another pair.

Fern looked at them with less disdain than she looked at the other pairs. She put them on, stood up.

“They’re okay,” Fern said.

Tabitha felt sorry for her. They were good shoes, shoes that looked like they might have actually been bought for her. But now Fern had to swallow her pride, basically say she was wrong. And she was willing to do it. She was such a good girl.

“Tell you what,” Tabitha said. “Wear those for a few days and we can see. I’m too lazy to go shopping today, and I don’t want Melanie to send another note. You would be doing me a huge favor.”

“Okay,” Fern said, like it really was okay. “Now can I call Dad?”