Not Perfect(40)

“No, that’s too much,” she said. “I can’t let you pay for that. Please, just charge me.”

“Employees get one free item a week. That’s my item for the week. Come back next week, after Thursday, and I can give you an Entenmann’s marble pound cake.”

“Oh, wow,” she said, afraid to talk too much because she could feel the tears building again. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure.”

She spent the short way home thinking of what she could do to repay him. Everything she thought of involved money, so she eventually gave up. As soon as she got inside what she thought was an empty apartment, she pulled out the small notebook and added the basil, then the cheese, and wrote MARLON in all caps at the top of the page.

“Hello?” she called out for good measure. It was all quiet, but it didn’t feel like she was alone.

Tabitha was already dreaming about the toasted-cheese and tomato sandwich they’d have for dinner, and she was eager for everyone to get home. She walked through the apartment, coming last to Levi’s closed door. It was almost always open when he wasn’t in it.

“Monkey?” she called.

She thought she heard a response, but it was so quiet she wasn’t sure.

“Are you in there?”

“I said, ‘Yes.’”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were back from Butch’s,” she said. “Come out. I have a good dinner planned.”

“I’m not hungry,” he said.

“Can I come in?”

“No.”

“Okay, suit yourself,” she said before walking away.

Tabitha decided that he’d come out when he smelled the cheese. She took out her phone and called Sarina’s mother. She was happy to have all this time to herself, but this was getting ridiculous. She let it ring, but it went to voicemail. So she headed into the kitchen and took her time cutting the bread and slicing the cheese and tomato. The relief she felt after talking to Marlon was slowly dissipating. What was she doing, letting the kids be on their own so much?

The front door swung open, and Tabitha was startled. There was no reason to call up from downstairs, Fern was a resident here of course, but for some reason she expected some warning. Tabitha walked to the foyer with a big smile on her face, ready to greet Sarina’s mother or both of her parents, but it was just Fern.

“Hey, Fernie Bernie, how was it?” she asked, walking over to her and kissing the top of her head. She smelled like chlorine.

“It was good,” she said sweetly. “Thank you for letting me go.”

“They didn’t walk you in?”

“No, but they watched me from the car,” she said, like that was more than enough.

“Okay,” Tabitha said, feeling somewhat out of control, like she was leaving too many details to chance. “I’m making cheddar-and-tomato sandwiches on good bread for dinner. They’ll be ready soon.”

“No thank you,” Fern said. “There was a lot of food at the water park.”

“Suit yourself,” she said again, but she said it a little nicer to Fern than she did to Levi.

“I’m going to go watch TV,” Fern said.

“Okay, sweetie. I’ll be in soon.”

“Mama?” Fern asked.

“Yes, sweetie?”

She hesitated for a few seconds, looking all around the kitchen. “Forget it,” she finally said.

“What is it, Fern?” Tabitha pressed.

“Nothing,” Fern said, getting impatient. “Just nothing.”

“Well it seemed like you were going to ask something.”

Fern took a deep breath. “You bug me,” she said, before walking toward the living room.

Tabitha watched her stomp through the kitchen, wondering if that was what Fern was going to say in the first place, or if she bugged her because she wouldn’t leave her alone. She wasn’t sure which would be better—neither really. She wanted to call her back and ask, but decided to let her be.

She stood at the counter thinking she didn’t much want a sandwich either right now. That lunch with Rachel was more than she’d had at a single meal in a long time. She wrapped everything up, deciding it would make a great breakfast or lunch tomorrow. Before joining Fern in front of the television, she went into her bedroom and pulled the list out of the drawer. She scanned the items to see if she’d come across any answers. She always hoped she’d see something in a different way. But it all looked the same: a list of mysteries, partly, she knew, because she had been leaving out this next item. She had not wanted to admit it, but it was time, she knew that. It was time to start dealing with it. She grabbed a pen and added item number nine—Stuart’s marriage that never was. She looked at it for a minute. That wasn’t exactly right. She took a deep breath and crossed it out with her pen. It was a big mess, but that seemed appropriate, given the situation. She tried again, this time writing one simple word next to the item number, one name—Abigail.

At the way bottom of the paper she wrote in all caps HAPPILY EVER AFTER, then next to it she wrote NOT in parenthesis. As she and Stuart walked back down the aisle after they were married, Stuart put his arm around her and leaned in close. He said, “And they lived happily ever after,” into her ear. She smiled, she liked that, but when she turned to look at him, she could see something in his eyes. She had the feeling he was trying to convince himself. Did that count as a clue? She decided it did, it all counted, and wrote item number ten next to it. She folded the paper back up and went to sit with Fern, who was watching an old DVD. But she couldn’t get comfortable. She kept shifting positions. Fern was still in her bathing suit with shorts over the top, even though it felt cold in the apartment.