No Safe Place(Detective Lottie Parker #4)(16)

‘That’s all I need.’ His voice echoed around the empty kitchen. ‘First the refrigerator packs up, then the dishwasher.’ He knew things always came in threes. What would be next?

As he spooned the cereal into his mouth, ignoring the milk dripping down his chin, he realised that the third thing had already occurred. That was, if he could count the death, three weeks ago, of his wife of forty years as a thing going wrong.

Finishing his breakfast, he let the spoon fall noisily into the bowl and carried it to the sink. Then he went to the dresser and struck a match to light the candle. For ten years Maura had lit it daily. Ten years she had yearned for answers. She had always hoped. Hoped for their Lynn to walk through the door; for a guard to ring the doorbell; for someone to tell her … something. Anything.

He set his lips in a stiff line and sniffed the sob back into his throat. Poor Maura. Consigned to her grave without answers. Breast cancer, the consultant had said. Huh! Donal was one hundred per cent certain his wife had died of a broken heart.

The doorbell rang.

He laced up his shoes before going to answer it. Straightened his shoulders and unhooked the chain.

‘Oh, it’s you,’ he said, turning away, leaving the door swinging open.

‘Yes, Dad, it’s me. Why aren’t you at work?’

‘How many times do I have to tell you, Keelan? I am not your dad. To you, I’m Donal. Right?’

It bugged the shite out of him that his daughter-in-law called him Dad. She was a nice girl, trying too hard to be even nicer. But he’d had one daughter and now he had none. No matter how hard she tried, she was just his son’s wife. No one could fill the cavernous space left in his heart when his Lynn disappeared.

‘I’m sorry, Donal. Do you want a lift anywhere? It’s no bother. Saoirse is still at school. I can—’

‘No!’ He hadn’t meant to shout. Easing the harshness from his tone, he said, ‘I want to be left alone. Can you understand that? Lynn is gone. Maura is gone. I’m next. You can bugger off home.’ Shit, he didn’t want to be angry with Keelan. It wasn’t her fault.

She was rinsing the bowl under the tap, her shoulders heaving. Christ, he hoped she wasn’t crying. He couldn’t handle any more tears. Maura’s had swallowed him up. In a way, he found it peaceful now to be living in the silence of his own home without sobs shrieking through the air.

‘I can do that.’ He took the tea towel from her hand. When she turned around, he saw her make-up was streaked. ‘Didn’t mean to make you cry.’

‘It’s not your fault.’ She was searching up her sleeve and eventually pulled out a tattered tissue. Dabbing at her mascara, she said, ‘It’s Cillian.’

‘What’s he done? Has he … has he hurt you?’

‘No. Nothing like that. Not physical hurt, if you get me.’

‘What do you mean? Come and sit down.’

At the table, Keelan said, ‘He’s different. Distant. Since Maura died. I know it’s probably grief, but he wasn’t particularly close to his mother. Was he?’

‘Hard to say. Cillian and Finn were both close to their sister. Close in age and close … like friends. When she disappeared, it upset the whole family dynamic. You know what I mean?’

‘Tell me.’

‘They were only young then, early twenties. They adored Lynn and she doted on them. No fights. No hair-pulling.’ He noticed Keelan returning his smile. ‘I thought we were the luckiest parents in the world. But you know what? I think Maura was a little resentful of the friendship they shared. It was like they were so close, the three of them, that they shut her out. At times, it led to … I haven’t a clue what to call it.’

‘Jealousy? Was Maura jealous?’

‘I don’t rightly know. I was working long hours back then, so I wasn’t home a lot. But when Lynn went missing, Maura blamed herself for not caring for the children as much as she should have. And she blamed the boys for not watching out for their sister.’

‘But that’s illogical. They were all adults.’

Donal slapped the table. Keelan jumped. He reached out to grab her hand, but she pulled away. He noticed a vein of fear in her eyes before they clouded over with tears.

‘Silly girl. I was only trying to comfort you. I think Cillian is feeling guilty at his mother’s passing. Maybe he thinks he should have been around more to reassure her. To tell her she still had two sons. But he never did. And every time he appeared at that front door, she laid into him. Blaming him. And blaming Finn.’

‘He never spoke much about his mother. Always about Lynn. I can tell you, the only guilt he was consumed with was not being there for his sister when she disappeared.’

Donal stood up and put the box of cereal back into the cupboard. ‘The anniversary of her disappearance is this Sunday, so tell him to call round. Tell him we need to talk. Will you do that for me?’

‘Couldn’t you call him yourself?’ Keelan stood at the door, wrapping her scarf around her neck.

‘He can make the first move,’ Donal said. ‘My son is lucky to have you. You know what? You look a little how I would imagine Lynn would look if she was still alive. I mean …’ He felt bile lurch from his stomach to his mouth. Not once had Maura let him speculate that their daughter might be dead. Not once in the last ten years. Never.