Neighborly(65)

I experience a fresh burst of sobs. “That sounds bad.”

“No, it’s very good. It’s where she’ll get the most attentive care. Right now, she’s getting oxygen, antibiotics, and fluids.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

The doctor glances back at Sadie with something like fondness. I’m glad. I want Sadie to be liked by the people we need to save her life. “We don’t know what’s wrong yet. We need the cultures to come back. She’ll be here at least two or three days, maybe more.”

I need Doug to get here. I’m splintering apart. No, I’m snapping. Just like the note said.

Like the note said.

It was a prophecy, and it’s coming true. Someone made it come true.

“Her temp is 104.1,” a nurse reports. The doctor gives me a big smile.

“That’s a good sign,” she says. “She’s responding to the Tylenol.”

“And her blood pressure?” I ask.

“It’s stabilized for the moment, but we need to keep a close eye. We don’t yet know why it was unstable. But let me ask you something: Has she ever had jaundice? It’s most common in newborns, but it looks like she has some signs of it now.” I shake my head no.

They don’t know what’s wrong, why a child who’s been healthy her whole life suddenly gets jaundice and needs intensive care. But I’m afraid that I do. It looked like no one had been in our house, but someone could have been.

If someone hurt my daughter, it’s all my fault.

Session 80.

“It’s hard for me to come here.”

“We talk about hard things.”

“I mean that it’s hard for me to sit across from you. I’m really mad at you.”

“Let’s unpack that.”

“See? That’s the kind of thing that makes me mad. The way you talk.”

“What else are you angry about?”

“That you call the truth a narrative. That you don’t believe me.”

“I do believe you. I believe that you’re being honest in the way you see things.”

“But you don’t believe the things themselves! Admit it. You think it’s a narrative. You think it’s a lie I tell myself.”

“Your whole life was ripped apart. You had to tape it all back together somehow.”

“I see the way you look at me.”

“How do you think I look at you?”

“It’s not what I think. I know how you look at me. You think I lie to myself. You think I’m in denial.”

“We’ve been cutting too close to the bone lately. You’ve been confronting some uncomfortable truths about what might really have happened and who’s truly responsible. Sometimes it’s easier to get angry than to confront all the pain that’s underneath.”

“You want him to be a monster, but I don’t.”

“That’s not what I want. I want to help you process—”

“Fuck processing. Listen to me. Eight children. That’s what they say. That there had been eight victims, but only two took the stand. What does that tell you?”

“The trial must have been devastating for you.”

“We’re not talking about me; we’re talking about you! About you sitting there judging me.”

“Let’s slow down and figure out where your anger is coming from.”

“I’m an angry person, don’t you get that by now? Besides, aren’t all emotions permissible in this room? Isn’t that what you told me in the very beginning?”

“Is it really me you’re upset with? It’s OK if it is. I just want to make sure.”

“It’s partly you. It’s partly . . . I went to see him. In prison.”

“Oh.”

“That’s it, ‘oh’?”

“I’m surprised.”

“Surprised I went or surprised I didn’t ask your permission first?”

“Just surprised you took that step. What happened?”

“She was my best friend since we were six years old, and she betrayed me.”

“I’m not following you.”

“No, you can’t. No one can.”

“Let me try.”

“You know what? I think I’m good now.”

“Good in what way?”

“I mean, I think I’m done.”

“With therapy?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s just slow down. We need to unpack this—”

“No, we don’t. This decision has nothing to do with you.”

“What does it have to do with?”

“You’ve helped me a lot. But I’m done here.”

“Don’t walk away, Ellen. Not now.”

“I got everything I needed from that prison visit. I know what I have to do.”





CHAPTER 22

ELLEN

It seems hard to believe now, but when I first heard about the new neighbors, I was happy. Nils and Ilsa hadn’t been any picnic, and I love babies. As far as I’m concerned, the block can always use a newborn. I didn’t recognize the name. I mean, there’s more than one Katrina in the world, and when she got married, I’m sure she couldn’t ditch her maiden name fast enough. So she was well camouflaged.