Neighborly(24)

Meadow is shaking her head convulsively.

“Meadow,” Raquel says. “Go.” The emphatic shaking continues. “I’ll walk her over, and then she’ll be fine.” She takes Meadow’s hand, and Meadow obediently accompanies her toward the small climbing structure. Sadie’s been sitting between my legs, and I reach to pull her into my lap, wanting a dose of nearness, but she lets out a wail. She values her independence, even if it’s only a few inches, and looking at Meadow, I see that I need to encourage that, in any form.

Raquel returns a minute later, and I see that Meadow is now sitting on the top of the structure, watching Raquel retreat.

Raquel says, over her shoulder, “Climb, Meadow!” and Meadow does, but joylessly. Within a few minutes, she’s running back. “OK, Momma?” she asks.

“You’re OK,” Raquel says, though I’m not sure that’s what Meadow meant. She might have meant, Is Momma OK?

Raquel tells Meadow to go back, to keep climbing, and Meadow does, calling back, “Look at me, Momma!” For the next ten minutes, they reenact that needy little drama, over and over, as if choreographed, and it all just feels so exhausting and heartbreaking that I don’t think I can take it much longer. As much as I like Raquel, I’m grateful when Sadie lets out a poop so messy and noxious that I can beg off and head home.

“See you tomorrow night!” Raquel says merrily.

“Good girl,” I whisper to Sadie as we hurry off. “Good girl.”

Unlike myself, I admire how forthcoming Raquel is about her past. She’s just the kind of person I should trust, maybe even aspire to be like. But somehow, all I want to do is run.

Session 16.

“You were going to tell me more about your family.”

“No, you asked about my family. That doesn’t mean I was going to tell you.”

“We can just sit here quietly.”

“So you can make an easy hundred bucks?”

“So we can go at your pace. So you have control in here, since I know you don’t feel like you have it in other areas of your life.”

“Have you heard of Haines? Or Mr. Layton?”

“I don’t think so. Should I have?”

“You must not be from around here. Good.”

“Let’s not talk about the past right now. Let’s talk about the present. How you did with resisting some of the behaviors we talked about.”

“It wasn’t a good week. Let’s just leave it at that.”

“You don’t have to hold back. Nothing you say will shock me or make me reevaluate your worth. I won’t abandon you.”

“What makes you think I’m afraid of those things?”

“They’re normal fears.”

“You and your normalcy again.”

“You and your sarcasm again.”

“I guess we do know each other. But no one else can know me. That’s why I drink. I take whatever drugs people hand me, and I have sex with people I shouldn’t. People who don’t give a shit about me, and I don’t give a shit about them. I did it all again this week, even after all we talked about.”

“That’s OK. We’re still early in this process. We’ll just keep working at it.”

“I just do the same thing over and over. I have—what do you call that?—impulse control problems. Or maybe it’s that definition of crazy. The same thing but expecting different results. Expecting to do dirty things but end up feeling clean. Do you think that I’m actually crazy?”

“I don’t use that word.”

“For anyone? Or just for me?”

“You’re finding ways to cope with your pain, that’s all.”

“All I want is oblivion. To not be me for a while.”

“Good. That’s a good insight.”

“Knowing doesn’t change anything. I still do the same thing again and again. You’d think I was programmed.”

“Childhood is a template for all that comes later.”

“Let’s hope you’re wrong about that.”





CHAPTER 8

“Go get ’em,” Doug whispers to me. He’s lying in our bed with Sadie in his arms, and she’s sucking on a bottle, her eyes closed in absolute peace. The last thing I want is to leave them, but I was supposed to be knocking at Andie’s door five minutes ago.

“No,” I moan. “Don’t make me.”

“You’re going to have a great time. More important, you’re going to be great. They’re going to get to know you, and they’re going to love you.”

Is he right? Is it more important to be great than to have a great time? For Doug, the two are interconnected. He enjoys himself because he’s sure people are going to love him, and then they do, in a positive feedback loop. I don’t have that same confidence, nor do I have the burning need. Doug thinks it’s just nerves that make me want to stay here, beside him and Sadie. It’s not. Or at least, not only. It’s that I can be fulfilled here, loving and loved by Doug and Sadie. That’s my positive feedback loop.

“Andie’s expecting me,” I say. That’s what it comes down to—fulfilling my obligation. So I plant a kiss on Doug’s cheek and a more lingering one on Sadie’s brow, and, with effort, I pull myself away.