My Last Innocent Year(51)

She was older than me, a graduate student maybe, petite and muscular with hair so short it looked like it had been painted on her scalp. The two of them squeezed into a small table by the wall, and I saw him ask her something before heading over to the bar. The woman leaned back in her chair and unbuttoned her plum-colored coat with an ease that unsettled me; she didn’t seem uncomfortable being left alone as I would have been. I poured myself more beer, then laughed hard at something Jason said, a loud ridiculous bark that drew Kelsey’s attention like an arrow. Are you okay? her look asked. I ignored her.

God was I stupid, I thought, as Connelly walked back and set a small glass down on the table in front of the woman. Believing him when he told me I was the only one—of course I wasn’t, and he wasn’t even trying to hide it. He leaned over and whispered something in her ear, his head so close to hers I could feel his curls tickling her nearly naked head. Up on stage, Tabitha was still singing. One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. Two can be as bad as one, it’s the loneliest number since the number one. Bo said something to me, but I wasn’t listening. I was too busy picturing Connelly kissing this woman’s strong shoulders, her small hands running up and down his back, his fingers shoved inside her and then into her mouth. His voice, echoing in the seashell cup of her ear: I want you to know what you taste like.

The set went on, my cup filled and drained, then filled again, my head fizzy with cheap beer and cigarettes. Bo was still sitting close to me, but the feel of him now was oppressive. His face was shiny, and there was a red spot on his jawline where he’d shaved over a zit. Whatever satisfaction I’d gotten out of flirting with him was gone, and I saw my whole life unspool before me, filled with silly flirtations and hurried gropes with boys like Bo. Why had I believed Connelly when he told me I was special? There was nothing special about me. There never had been.

“Isabel.” Bo’s face was close to mine. He, too, was drunk. “We’re going to head over to Gamma Nu. Do you want to come?” I looked up and saw that Rice Krispy Treat’s set had ended. Doug was whooping and pumping his fist as Tabitha and the bass player, who was clearly in love with her, clasped hands and took a triumphant bow.

I nodded, then stood up, trying not to stumble. The bar was packed, the air so thick with smoke I yawned to take in more oxygen. I followed Bo through the bar, keeping my eyes focused on the back of his head. We were nearly to the door when I heard someone calling my name—once, twice, three times. I turned and saw Connelly inexplicably waving me over.

“Who’s that?” Bo asked, squinting through the smoke. I pretended not to hear him.

“I thought it was you,” Connelly said as I walked over. His big hands were spread across the table like starfish. “Isabel, let me introduce you to Daria Azar-Khan. She’s one of Roxanne’s graduate students. We met on Roxanne’s study abroad—when was it, last spring?” Daria nodded. “God, I can’t believe that was a year ago already.”

Daria held out her hand. “Nice to meet you.” She had a tiny silver stud nestled in the fold of her nose and an accent I couldn’t place.

“Isabel is in my writing seminar,” Connelly said. “She’s a very promising writer. I’m trying to convince her to take herself seriously.”

“What sorts of things do you write?” Daria asked.

“I don’t know. Stories?” I looked back at the door. Kelsey was peering through the window, her hands raised questioningly.

“Wonderful stories,” Connelly said. He was looking at me with a strange sense of ownership, like I was the daughter of a family friend he hadn’t seen in a while and he was checking to see how I’d turned out. It made my palms itch, and for the first time in a long while, I felt the urge to steal something.

Daria smiled, showing a disproportionate amount of gum. My mother would have said she should learn to smile with her lips closed.

“Isabel’s from New York,” Connelly said. “Her family owns a famous appetizing store.”

“Oh, really?” said Daria. “What’s that?”

I started to answer, but Connelly interrupted me. “Let me try. An appetizing store sells fish and dairy, unlike a deli, which serves meat. Do I have that right?”

“Bingo,” I said. Then I mumbled something about friends waiting for me and pushed my way out of the bar and onto the street where I stood for several seconds, my hands on my knees, gulping mouthfuls of cold air until my lungs hurt.

Bo was on the corner with the others.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Who was that?” Kelsey asked.

“I’m fine,” I said, answering Bo’s question but not Kelsey’s.

“So, Izzy,” Kelsey said, looking back and forth between me and Bo. “Are you coming to Gamma Nu?”

I didn’t have any reason not to but I couldn’t stand the look on Kelsey’s face, like she was already planning our wedding toast.

“I think I’m gonna pass.”

I could see how badly she wanted to try to convince me, but Jason placed a hand on her arm and led her away.

“Do you want me to walk you home?” Bo asked. He had a sad droop to his neck. The old me would have said yes, would have let him kiss me under a streetlight, stick a cold hand under my sweater, but I shook my head and told him I would be fine.