My Favorite Half-Night Stand(28)

But first, Reid will need to reply.

He’s already forwarded me the messages from Daisy and Catherine. It only takes a few minutes to write something he can paste into each of their boxes—I am now literally writing letters to myself but why the fuck not?—and so I ping him in a separate window.


Millie Morris I have your replies. Do you want them here or email?


Reid Campbell You are a goddess. And here is good


Millie Morris HUGE SIGH


Millie Morris For Daisy An 82% match? Not too bad! You’ve read my profile, so you know I grew up in California. If I’m not mistaken, your profile photo was taken at Ledbetter Beach? I’m an Associate Professor at UCSB, just down the road from there. I’ve gone to a couple parties at the park, just off the beach, and even attempted a few surfing lessons there. It didn’t go well. Let me just say that my pride, and my favorite board shorts, are still floating around there somewhere. I also see from your profile photo that you have giant knockers, which must mean that your fertility, and quality of life, are higher than those around you.


Reid Campbell I may leave that last sentence out . . .


Millie Morris As you wish.


Reid Campbell Mills, this is so great of you. THANK YOU.


Millie Morris For Catherine I assume a 98% match basically only leaves our preferences for Coke vs Pepsi (Coke FTW), our favorite of The Chrises (I’m secure enough in my masculinity to admit that bearded Chris Evans is a 10/10), and whether Star Wars episodes I, II, and III can be skipped entirely (the correct answer is always yes). To see if we are in fact the same person: favorite funny movie?

Dots appear in the chat window as Reid types, before disappearing again.


Millie Morris Hello?


Reid Campbell Sorry, I’m here. Daisy’s seems a bit . . . idk, stiffer than Catherine’s?


Millie Morris Oh right, right. I know how you can fix that.


Reid Campbell How?


Millie Morris WRITE THEM YOURSELF


Reid Campbell I’m sorry, Mills. Thank you. Who knew I was so charming?


Millie Morris And humble!


Reid Campbell Seriously, these are great. Do you want my login and you can just send?


Millie Morris Am I going to be the one having sex with one of these women for you, too?


Reid Campbell If you’re into that, sure.


Millie Morris I do not want your login. I also think you should write your own letters. This is weird, even for us.


Reid Campbell Milllliiiiieeeeeeeee. You’re better at this than I am. This is clearly your thing.


Millie Morris You’ll get the hang of tit. Gotta run, class

[Millie Morris has left the chat]



It’s almost nine by the time I finish up at the office and pull into my driveway. Just like every night, the neighbor’s cat is waiting on my porch. I reach down and scratch behind her ears, wondering for the hundredth time if I should get a pet. I love living alone but can imagine it would be nice to have someone or something waiting when I walk in the door, too.

Alas, I’m never home. I’m never here, and—Elly’s voice reminds me—I’m certainly never in Seattle.

I set down my things, order dinner, pour a giant glass of wine, and power up my laptop. I told her I’d firm up dates for a visit, and I’m going to do it before anything else drags my attention away.

How convenient, then, that there’s an email from my new editor with a suggestion for deadlines, and some questions about my outline. I text Elly with a very loose window of dates for me to come visit, but I know one week—whether in June, July, or August, her choice—won’t appease her.

The red bubble in the IRL tab drags my attention away from my email inbox, and with a little grunt of irritation, I open it up, knowing exactly what it is.

A letter from myself, how exciting.

But my competitive fire reignites, and I hammer out my reply as fast as I should probably be writing the book I have due in four months.

From: Catherine M.

Sent: 7:39 pm, March 28

Reid,

I can’t believe you went for The Chrises this early in our email relationship. It is both genius and brave. I was lucky enough to see Chris Evans at Comic-Con a few years ago, and you won’t believe this, but he’s actually better looking in person. I approve of your bearded Captain America man love.

Also approve of skipping Episodes I-III, aka The Emo Awakening of Anakin Skywalker. The others are non-negotiable, though. I’m a little freaked out about our compatibility, however: Both Pepsi and Coke taste like sugar gone to die. Who hurt you, Reid? If I’m going to have that many calories, there’d better at least be alcohol involved.

And funniest movie . . . let’s see. I’m not sure I can narrow it down to just one. A few of my favorites (and in no particular order): Tommy Boy, Anchorman, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Superbad, 9 to 5, Blues Brothers . . . I could do this all day. Revenge of the Nerds gets a special mention because my parents took us to an 80’s night at a drive-in once, and expected us to sleep in the back seat during the show. Ok, Mom. I saw my first movie boobs in that drive-in.

And I’ll stop now so I don’t get too chatty. You’re up: favorite movie and favorite quote? I’ll go with one from Girls Trip. “Girl, you can’t get no infection in your booty hole. It’s a booty hole.”