My Favorite Half-Night Stand(14)

It seems to—he pushes his salad around his plate the way he does when he’s full but feels guilty about wasting food.

But nope, I’m wrong: “You know you can talk to us if something is going on,” he says.

I see the little press there, the emphasis on us when what he really means is You can talk to me, your supposed best friend.

Thankfully, Chris and Ed seem to have tuned us out, so I turn to Reid, lowering my voice. “If there was something to share, I’d share,” I assure him. “Avery is just dramatic. She likes to make a big deal out of little things.”

“But you make no deal about big things,” he argues.

“Everything’s fine.” I give him a little chuck on the chin.

“You’re really terrible about sharing personal shit. You know that, right?”

“So I’ve heard,” I say. It isn’t the first time he’s complained about this, but I’m not sure how to do better. There just isn’t much to say at this point—Dad has been diagnosed, is on medication, and we’re handling it. Or, rather, my sister is handling it, and I’m trying to figure out the best way to be supportive from a distance. Talking about it with my friends when none of us have any control over it would just stress me out and make me feel more helpless.

Ed looks at his phone. “I have some cells I need to sort, so I should get back soon. Are we doing this? The dating app? Are we all in?”

Three sets of eyes swing in my direction, and I groan.

“Let’s check a few out,” Chris says. “We’ll find the best one out there and put as little or as much info as you want.”

“And you can quit anytime,” Reid adds with a hopeful lean to his words.

I’m positive I’m not ready for this, but I am unwilling to be the wet blanket. “Fine,” I say, “but the first dick pic I get is going to be each of your phone backgrounds for a week.”

Ed shrugs. “I can live with that.”



Christopher Hill So, turns out there are approximately one MILLION of these dating sites.


Reid Campbell I found one for Western men who want to connect with women from Russia. In case that strikes anyone’s fancy . . .


Millie Morris Omg this one is called Bernie Singles and is designed for users who like Bernie Sanders. What even.


Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio There are people out there who want to date someone who looks like Bernie Sanders??? FE-TISH


Millie Morris Wait for it . . .


Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio Oh wait. Ignore me. I get it.


Reid Campbell Are you sure your IQ was 148 and not just 48?


Alex Ramirez

I’m still trying to figure out why I’m involved in this


Millie Morris That’ll teach you to miss a lunch again


Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio Dude, Gluten Free Singles, Mullet Passions, 420 Singles. Actually, let me bookmark that one for later.


Millie Morris These names: Equestrian Singles. Marry Me Already. Date My Pet.


Millie Morris Ooh, Chris: Rooster Mate


Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio GOOD ONE, MILLS


Christopher Hill . . .


Reid Campbell Children. Can we stay on task?


Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio Are we sure we don’t just want Tinder? Users make 1 billion swipes a day for a reason.


Millie Morris 1 BILLION??


Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio If it ain’t broke . . .


Reid Campbell Hey what about this one? It’s called IRL. In Real Life? That’s clever. It’s a premium site so we’d have to pay, but we can filter our browsing preferences, see when someone’s viewed your profile and read or deleted messages, and men can read summary profiles and read/reply to contacts, but not make repeated contact or send photos until they’re accepted.


Christopher Hill Sounds efficient.


Reid Campbell That’s pretty great, right, Mills? No creepsters or unsolicited dick pics?


Alex Ramirez

Why would she ever solicit a dick pic when she has the three of us?


Millie Morris I’m looking.


Millie Morris I’ll admit tit doesn’t look completely terrible.


Millie Morris GDI *it. Why do I always do that


Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio Because you have tiny hobbit hands?


Millie Morris I’d call you a douchebag, Ed, but that would imply you could actually get near a vagina.


Stephen (Ed) D’Onofrio Savage.


Reid Campbell So do we all agree?


Millie Morris Sigh. I guess so


Reid Campbell Yessss. Everyone registers and we’ll meet at Millie’s tonight to fill it all out. Go team Alex Ramirez

HIGH FIVE


Christopher Hill HIGH FIVE


Millie Morris limp high five



Reid shows up around six, Thai food under one arm, a laptop under the other. The wine is noticeably absent. Thank God.

“Where is everyone else?” I take the bag from him and carry it into the kitchen.

“Ed had some samples fail and needed to redo them. Alex might be over later, but I’ll be honest, his interest in joining another dating site is flaccid at best.”

“That’s because Tinder clearly already works for him,” I agree.