Missing Dixie(61)

Gavin blinks sleepily and shakes his head. “Nah. Leave it on in case he wakes up.”

He maneuvers onto all fours and tucks Liam in while I watch. There is something happening, something bigger than us that I can’t explain, but I can feel deep down into my bones that this moment matters. That whatever is going on with our motley little group here is monumental.

Maybe it’s just wishful thinking—not a promise of what’s to come but the little girl in me still fantasizing about Gavin being my future.

Gavin crawls out of the tent and extends his hand to help me out. The contact of our palms makes my entire body tingle. I stumble over the bottom lip of the tent entrance and nearly plow him down.

“Well that was graceful,” I say quietly so as not to disturb Liam.

Gavin looks down into my eyes and I realize I am still in his arms. His full, masculine lips part and I don’t know if he’s going to say something or kiss me but he closes them and shakes his head.

“I’ll sleep on the couch. Keep an eye on him and let him know where he is in case he wakes up scared.”

“Okay,” I say, gently extracting myself from his embrace. “Good night, Gavin.”

“Good night, Bluebird,” he says quietly. “Sweet dreams.”

I watch him retrieve an extra pillow and blanket from the tent and toss them on the couch before I make my way to the bathroom. After I close the door behind me, I look at myself in the mirror. My hair is a mess, my mascara is smudged under my eyes, and I look like I haven’t slept in a week. The s’mores were messy and there is chocolate smudged at the corner of my mouth. I would’ve never known by the way Gavin just looked at me. He gazed upon my face like I was the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen and I’d unexpectedly fallen from the heavens and landed in his arms. He released me as if holding me for just a moment was a privilege he didn’t feel he had a right to. The reflection of myself in Gavin’s eyes is a lot different from the one I see now in the mirror under unforgiving lights.

Leaning forward over the sink, I wash my face and brush my teeth. Drying off with a hand towel, I catch my own eye in the mirror and briefly remember seeing him behind me in a hotel in Austin.

Gavin is the color to my memories. He’s the shadows that make my light shine brighter.

Our past, our mistakes, they seem so . . . small compared to what we have.

What he did the year I was in Houston was fake. It was empty and meaningless and I don’t feel threatened by it—just sad that it happened. I was angry about the accident, livid, actually—but Dallas is a grown man and he wasn’t completely innocent, either. It’s the hiding it from me that still bothers me. The fact that he didn’t trust me enough or think I was strong enough for the truth. Maybe I wasn’t then. But I am now.

Tonight was real. I needed him and he was there. Despite what he may think, he is what I need, he’s who I need, and he will forever be the one man I want to see across the table, beside me in bed, and behind me onstage.

Bracing my hands on the sink, I try to let my emotions wash through me the way the music does. I can handle Gavin. I can handle this situation with Liam. When the time comes, probably after the baby is born, but soon, I’m going to have a long talk with my brother about not telling me the truth about what was going on the year I was gone.

I’m going to let the guys know I want to play the new song I wrote and I’m going to play it my way.

I am stronger than I used to be. Better. Braver.

I can fight for what I love.





24 | Gavin

MY BODY DECIDES it has a pressing need to piss just before I fall asleep. I make my way carefully through the living room, careful not to disturb still-sleeping Liam as I go. I’ve already decided to teach him how to play the drums and I’m planning our lessons in my head.

Distracted by my thoughts, I don’t think to knock on the bathroom door. When I swing it open, I’m surprised to see Dixie standing at the sink. She’s in the same clothes she had on before.

“I thought you were in bed,” I say. She doesn’t move an inch. “You okay?”

When she finally turns to me, I see sorrow etched into her face and determination burning in her eyes.

She nods. “Sort of. I just . . .”

I take a step closer so I can hear her better.

“He’s never going back to that man, Gavin. I swear to God. I don’t care what I have to do.”

“Hey,” I say softly, reaching out to take her in my arms and pulling her to my chest when she doesn’t resist. “Okay, baby. He’s never going back to that man. Breathe.”

She stiffens against my chest and then turns those wide blue eyes up to meet mine. “If I’d just—”

“Nope. Nothing you could’ve said, done, not said, not done, would’ve changed anything. You are not to blame. You are not someone who would assume any of those things and I would never want you to become that jaded a person, one who thought everyone in the world was out to do you or anyone else harm. You are full of light and you see the light in everyone else. It’s one of the many things I love about you.”

“Gav . . .”

It hits me hard, that she still trusts me after everything I’ve done, her vulnerability, the way I’ve taken her for granted, how majorly f*cked my priorities have been for so long. Too long.