Misadventures of a Rookie (Misadventures #11)(42)

“The swelling will go down and the hives will go away, so don’t worry about that. The reason you couldn’t breathe was because you had a panic attack—we think. But all in all, you’re fine. Just never use, um…errr…Unicorn Spit.”

I wanted to die.

“Duly noted,” Gus said beside me.

Yup, I definitely wanted to die.

“Or better yet, any lubricant. I think you may have an allergy to lubricants. Are you allergic to latex?”

Someone kill me.

“No, we’ve used condoms, and she never did all that. I mean, you saw it. Her pu—errr, I mean, vagina… It was huge.”

Oh, so it’s funny to let me die slowly? Great. Thanks, universe.

“Oh, okay, then it has to be something in this lubricant.” The doctor—who, by the way, was very good-looking—asked, “This was the only lubricant you’ve used?”

Gus, not even the least bit embarrassed, nodded. “Yeah, she’s usually good without it. We got a little freaky, if you know what I mean,” he said, wiggling his brows.

“Oh my God, Gus. Shut up!”

He just laughed. The asshole laughed.

“It’s really no big deal,” the doctor said over a smile. “This isn’t even the weirdest thing I’ve seen.”

“Wonderful.”

“Really? What was the weirdest?” Gus asked.

“Wow, are we done?” I asked, ready to go.

“Um, yes, you’re released, Ms. St. James. I would suggest no sex for the next forty-eight hours or until there is no more swelling.”

“No problem,” I said, hopping off the exam table. “I’m sorry. I need to go. I already missed my internship, and I’m hoping I can make it to my game.”

Unfortunately, the doctor shook his head. “Actually, I don’t want you going to work tonight. Too much walking can irritate that area. I want you to go home and take it easy. You have a lot going on there.”

“You think?” I snapped, and then I held up my hand. “I’m sorry. My vagina hurts, and I’m crabby.”

“With good reason,” Gus added with a shrug.

But really, what in the hell was I supposed to tell work? My vagina was broken! “Ugh…”

“Can you write her a note but leave off why?” Gus asked then, coming to my side.

God bless him.

“Oh yeah, that’s no problem. Just have them call me if they need any more information. I’ll never tell them what is going on, though.”

Taking the note, I nodded. “Thank you, Doctor.”

“See ya,” Gus said to him as we followed him out. “We’ll need to get a beer sometime. I need to know these stories.”

The doctor laughed.

Gus wrapped his arm around me, but I wanted to shake him off. I couldn’t believe this was happening. My pussy was swollen to the size of a softball. There were hives, and it was scary and big, and oh my God, I wanted to die.

Now.

Through the whole thing, though, Gus was amazing. He never made me feel disgusting or anything. He freaked out with me, but once I started having problems breathing, it was like a switch came on. He went into saving mode, and he got me to the hospital quickly. He never left my side. He sat with me and tried to be funny, but I was so embarrassed, I couldn’t even laugh. Hell, I still hadn’t looked him in the eyes yet.

Out of all the things to happen with Gus Persson, I had to have the swollen vagina.

I have shit luck.

When we got outside, Gus started humming a very popular Alicia Keys song, and I whipped my head to him, my eyes sending daggers. “You better not.”

“What?” he asked innocently, but he kept on humming!

“Shut up!”

He couldn’t hold in his laughter. It was sputtering, his eyes bright as he squeezed me into his chest. “But your sex was on fire!”

“I hate you,” I groaned as he laughed, kissing my mouth free of its pout.

Pulling away, still laughing, he said, “I’ve been waiting all night to sing that, but I was worried you’d kick me out.”

“I would have,” I confirmed.

“Figured so. Now get in.” He shut the door and then leaned on the open window, his eyes level with mine. The air was cool, and he looked beautiful standing there. There was still sand in his hair from earlier, and his face was a little sun-kissed. It was honestly stunning looking at him, but then I looked away, still so damn embarrassed.

I mean really, my vagina had to be an asshole and swell up?

How unfair.

“So here’s my plan.”

I looked back over at him and scrunched up my face. The plan was to go home and hide for a couple weeks. “Plan?”

“Yeah, we’re both injured, can’t play tonight,” he said simply, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “So, I’m thinking ice cream, noodles, some Netflix, and an ice pack for your puss.”

I glared, but he beamed back at me.

“We can watch whatever you want, and I’ll even hold the ice pack to your pussy. If you want to take your panties off, I support that. We’ll stay in my room.”

I crossed my arms and pouted.

He continued, “I’ll even let you wear some of my comfortable clothes so we don’t have to go back to your apartment and face Lizzy. Remember, ice pack, your pussy, ice cream. Damn good time, baby.”