Million Love Songs(51)
‘Oh, Charlie.’
‘Seems a stupid thing to say, right?’ I look at the tears welling in her eyes and want to brush them away. ‘It’s OK. Everything’s fine now. His job took him to another part of the country – thank God – and slowly my life returned to normal. More or less.’ Charlie studies the floor. ‘There are still times when some small thing reminds me of him and I’m right back there. I feel sick just thinking about him. Unless it’s happened to you, you don’t know how it feels. How it saps your confidence, drains every ounce of joy out of life. It took me so long to recover, I couldn’t return to that.’
‘I don’t blame you.’
‘So that’s why I stick to Gary. He’s never going to hurt me or let me down. He’s never going to break my ribs or knock out my teeth or pull out chunks of my hair. Gary sings me to sleep every night and I don’t have to do a single thing in return. I don’t have to worry about what mood he’s going to come home in because he’s never going to do that.’
‘You’ve got so much to offer though. It makes for a lonely life keeping everyone at arm’s length. Don’t you want to settle down, to have children?’
‘The only saving grace of our relationship was that we never had kids, otherwise I’d never have been entirely rid of him. I’ve got a friend in a similar situation and she has a son. Every week she has to take him to a supervised visit to play happy families with the man who tried to choke the life out of her. At least I don’t have to do that.’
‘I’m sorry, Charlie. I had no idea.’
She shrugs. ‘Like I said, I don’t talk about it if I can help it. That’s the other thing, they make it feel like it’s all your fault. If only you were funnier, prettier, better in some way then this wouldn’t be happening. It took me years to come to terms with the fact that he was an out-and-out shit and there was nothing more complicated than that about it.’
‘So Nice Paul’s on a hiding to nothing? He’s not the same man, you know. Wouldn’t you even give him a chance?’
‘I can’t risk it again,’ she says, sadly. ‘Perhaps I’m just not over it yet. Maybe I never will be. It leaves scars, stuff like that. Some you can see, some you can’t. The false front teeth are a permanent reminder of the damage that rushing into a relationship can cause.’ She taps a finger to them. ‘Paul’s a great mate. I like him a lot, but …’
She doesn’t need to say any more. I won’t talk about it any longer or even tease her. If it’s not to be, that’s Charlie’s choice. I just want her to be happy and if even it means that she’s most contented by herself, then so be it. I’ll always be there for her, as she is for me. I put my hand on her arm. ‘Thanks for telling me.’
‘Thanks for being a mate,’ she says in return.
Then, before I can say anything else, Nice Paul comes back, still smiling affably, balancing three teas on a tray, and my heart goes out to him.
‘The queues!’ he exclaims as he sits down beside us and hands out the tea.
I don’t think Nice Paul has it in his heart to hurt anyone, but then what do I know about men? I currently have too many of them or none at all.
‘I have a gift for you both,’ I say and I delve in my bag to find the ‘Keep Calm and listen to Gary Barlow’ mugs I bought. ‘This has been a lovely day. Thanks for including me.’
I hand them over and they both go into throes of ecstasy.
‘This is so cool,’ Charlie says and kisses me. ‘You’re not to borrow it when you come to my house.’
‘Wouldn’t dream of it.
‘The perfect mantra to live your life by,’ Paul says with a grin as he admires his present.
They both kiss me again and I think it’s such a shame that they’ll never get together as they’re so well matched.
I think of Mason Soames and Joe Edwards. Both nice guys. Both with complications. I should be like Charlie and be content on my own. I don’t need a man. Of that, I’m sure. The tribute act starts up again and we kick back to enjoy the set. Gary Barlow’s going to be the only one for me too.
As Alan Banks from Barnsley croons ‘It Only Takes a Minute’ I think, sadly, that it’s going to take Charlie a hell of a lot longer than a minute to fall in love.
Chapter Forty-Two
Despite my affirmation that Gary Barlow is going to be the only man for me from now on, I still find myself rushing to my scuba-diving lesson, heart a-flutter, stomach in knots – something that last happened when I was about fifteen – only to be disappointed that I’ve got Bob again. Three weeks in a row. Joe, on the other hand, is nowhere to be seen.
To be honest with you, there’s nothing wrong with Bob. He’s a good, solid instructor with the patience of a saint. It’s fair to say that I am not one of scuba-diving’s naturals. I can’t remember what to do with what thing and I wonder if I’m ever going to be good enough to let loose in open water. Yet I’m probably learning more about scuba-diving with Bob than I would with Joe as I don’t have the unbridled urge to stare at him wistfully or long to see his naked bottom. I keep telling myself that I’m much better off with an instructor who has a pot-belly and a comb-over. I go to the pub with them all afterwards but, frankly, it’s just not the same.