Maame(83)

Then I’m running, running across the road and into Tottenham Court Road station, down the escalators, and into the next train arriving on the platform, but sat in an almost-empty carriage, I realize this is not a spontaneous journey to who knows where. I’m going to Thornton Heath via Balham. Then I’ll take the 250 bus home.

And I’ll wait for Mum there.





Chapter Thirty-four


But Mum isn’t the first person through the door.

Whilst I’m pacing in the kitchen, clenching and unclenching my fists, trying to make sense of the words and scenes running in my head, James walks in.

“What are you doing here?”

He scratches his head. “Mum told me you saw her.”

A car’s engine dies down outside. “Oh, good to know you two can band together in times of a crisis. I’ll have to keep that in mind.”

Mum runs in and I start to clap.

“Here she is! James, look! Here. She. Is. God’s number-one spokesperson!”

James’s eyes widen. “Mads, are you all right?”

I’m shivering and sweating and I eye the sink in case I need to vomit. “No. No, I’m not.” They both try to say something, but all I can hear is my own voice. “So, Mum, adultery’s the one you went for, huh?”

“Madeleine!”

“I mean, out of all the rules from the Big Boss Upstairs, what is adultery? Top ten? Coming in hot, right under murder!” My voice alternates in pitch whilst it familiarizes itself with my rage. “Where were you when my dad died?”

Mum doesn’t answer, she doesn’t need to. She was with him. Her face is pale, her eyes are pink, and she’s shaking too. This is the first time I’ve made my mum cry, but my own tears today won’t even crack her top fifty.

I step toward her. “You tell me how to live, how to pray, and who to see, but who’s telling you these things?”

“Maame, please—”

“DON’T CALL ME MAAME!”

Mum’s head jerks back and even James tilts his. Like me, they both don’t know where that came from.

“I am so tired of everyone in this family acting the way they do because Maame is always there to pick up the pieces, to sort out your mess, to look after you. You are both supposed to be looking after me! You.” I point at Mum. “With your condescending ‘adages’ and ‘your mother knows these things,’ your nitpicking and nothing I do ever being enough. There is always something else Maame can do for you.”

James claps. “That’s what I’ve been saying! Mum needs to—”

“James, fuck off.”

Subconscious Maddie, like everyone in the room, stands with her mouth gaping open.

“What?” I ask him. “Why do you look so surprised when useless, thy name is James! When have you ever put me first? Huh, when? Exactly! I am the youngest one in this fucking family but no one takes care of me. No one gives a shit! Sometimes I think I could get by just fine without the two of you, but I can’t help but wonder, where would you both be without me? Now that Dad’s no longer here, one day you’re going to find out the answer to that question. One day, sweet, little, dependable, pushover, spineless, pathetic Maddie is going to leave you two to pick each other apart!”

“Maame, you must—”

“I said, don’t call me Maame!”

We all stare at each other for a time.

I wipe the spit from my chin and ignore the sweat under my nose and running down my back. My throat is dry and a headache is building at my temples. Subconscious Maddie is sat in the corner crying. I walk toward the door but turn back only to say, “My name is Maddie.”



* * *



And this new Maddie feels great. I mean, really great. She’s cool, audacious, and carefree. She’s finally everything she’s always wanted to be.

After leaving the house, I sent an email to Kris telling her I felt sick after counseling, and went straight home. Whatever. Then I got back to the flat and made myself comfortable in the living room. Threw my feet up on the sofa and turned the TV on. When Jo walked in hours later, she stopped short and said, “Oh.” I looked her in the eyes with raised brows and said: “Everything okay?” She gave me a tight smile, nodded, and went straight to her room. I ordered a takeaway, ignored the calls from Mum and James until my phone’s battery died, and fell asleep on the sofa.

Yes, the new Maddie felt great, but it’s a shame she didn’t bother to stay for very long.

I wake up at 8:00 A.M. feeling sick, foggy, and anxious.

How will I convincingly lie at work today?

Please, you’re a pro now.

What am I going to say when I finally do have to talk to Mum?

Cross that bridge when you get to it.

Did I really swear so many times?

Yes, yes, you fucking did.





Chapter Thirty-five


Two hours into work, I realize I should have taken today off too.

I’m monosyllabic and on the verge of tears all day. Everyone gives me the look, the one where they glance my way, then at someone else, before nodding in my direction. I ignore them all because I don’t want to be called into Penny’s office. Thankfully, her day is too full of meetings for her to pay any attention to me.