Maame(61)

I can hear Nia on the phone downstairs. “Is that Jem in the corner?” she says. She must be on FaceTime.

“Yeah, he’s come over after his shift.” With her mum.

In the background, Nia’s stepdad says, “Put that down, Zach.” Zach is Nia’s nephew. General family hubbub. They’re planning on having a barbecue since the weather’s been so nice.

I close my eyes and, a few minutes later, I’ve come back to myself.

Was that a panic attack?

I shake my head. I don’t suffer from panic attacks.

I get dressed and wait for the next train.

Shu

A panic attack before the dentist

Are you scared of the dentist?



Maddie

I don’t love the dentist but I’m only getting a checkup. I once went in for root canal surgery and didn’t have a panic attack



Shu

Sometimes panic attacks come for no reason

Or maybe it’s because of your dad



Maddie

I’m sure it’s nothing.

But when did dentist bills get so expensive!





* * *



The next day, Nia says, “Let’s go for a bike ride.”

“I just got in.”

“You did?”

“You saw me taking the bins out.”

She rolls her eyes. “Is the bike under the stairs yours or one of your flatmates’?”

“Cam’s, but she once said she’s happy for me to use it.”

“Okay, you take that one and I’ll get one of the city bikes; there’re some round the corner. Come on.”

It’s eighty-nine degrees, but it feels like one hundred in the sun. I change into a vest top and we head out. I haven’t ridden a bike in months and Cam’s is heavy and my arms ache, but I enjoy pulling it out from its corner and persuading it through the narrow hallway.

We ride along the river with no destination in mind. At each road break or turn, we wordlessly decide to keep going. The path is surprisingly clear, but Battersea Park is full of people listening to music, having picnics, walking their dogs, and we pass food stalls and outdoor bars, keeping to the river and boathouses until we can’t any longer and there’s only road left.

At the start, I’m not very steady and have to concentrate on not riding into people and on maneuvering tight spaces and sudden turns and downward slopes, but there’s something freeing about the required concentration followed by the lack of it on smooth surfaces and straight paths. When we decide to turn back after an hour, Nia points to a local shop. “Should we get ice cream?”

“But we have some at home.”

She laughs. “Okay, Mum.”



* * *



We ride home; she’s sunburnt and I feel sticky. She cuts us slices of watermelon and we eat them over the sink.

I’m exhausted after; my muscles ache and I can’t help but lean forward when I walk, as if fighting gravity. At dinner I look for whatever’s already cooked: macaroni and cheese and a piece of chicken, followed by ice cream. We sit and resume The Cabin Plan.

My bones feel heavy when I drag them to the shower and when I’m out, my room is really warm. I remember my panic attack.

Google: Symptoms of a panic attack

The Medical Community

CindyKO: Hi guys. So a couple of hours ago, out of nowhere, I just fell down. I didn’t faint but I couldn’t breathe and I was sweating buckets and my chest hurt a lot. It was over in a couple of minutes and it hasn’t happened again, but since then I’ve been feeling really tired. Has this happened to anyone? Is it serious or no big deal?

Jonah91: The same thing happened to me and after a good night’s sleep I was fine. It’s probably something you ate. Drink some water and take some paracetamol and go to bed. You’ll be fine in the morning!

Genevieve Mac: I also once displayed similar symptoms, 24 hours later I was in A&E and the doctor tells me I almost died.



* * *



So, “roll the dice” is what I’m reading.

Before I get into bed, I kneel by my bedside and close my eyes.

“Dear God,” I say. “Please don’t let me die. I don’t think my mother could handle it. Please remember all the times I went to church even when I didn’t want to go. Amen.”





Chapter Twenty-three


Jo and Cam are back.

I need to apologize for what I said to Jo, and the words have to actually leave my mouth this time. Yet a part of me hoped they would return and Jo would act as if nothing happened, but when I hear the door open, I already know it’s too much to ask. I take a deep breath.

The sooner you do it, the sooner it’s over.

I walk into the kitchen, and they stop talking. A lot has happened to me since they left, but all that’s changed for them is the tan of their skin.

“Hey,” I say. “Welcome back.”

Jo busies herself with her bags, but Cam gives me a hug and asks, “How are you?”

“Good,” I answer. “Better than I was when … you know.”

Cam nods.

Jo says, “Hmmm.”

“I want to apologize, Jo.”

She looks up, surprised.