Lying in Wait(83)

I agreed with everything he said, and smiled benignly at his suggestions while waves of red-hot anger surged backwards and forwards between my temples.

After Laurence left, I went upstairs and carefully applied the very last of Mummy’s scarlet lipstick.





24


Laurence


Knowing the truth has finally given me some … I’m not quite sure what the word is. Relief? Not peace of mind, because that is a different thing altogether. I am deeply disturbed by my mother’s mental state and her role in Annie’s life and death. I can’t stop thinking of what my father did. I am sickened that I must keep this secret from Karen for the rest of my life, but Mum has agreed to see a psychiatrist and has finally accepted that I have moved out of home. I think telling the truth may have helped her. Despite everything, she is my mother. She did love and nurture me, and I am in some way obligated to her. I will not throw her to the wolves, and maybe these disclosures might bring her some peace and stability. She has no more secrets, nothing more to hide.

With hindsight and a little distance, I can see how obsessed she has been with me for my whole life, and I wonder when that love became deranged. I’m inclined to believe that it happened after Dad died, when she knew for sure that she would never have another child. Helen was right about Mum all along. But I feel sorry for her, for both of us, because I was never enough for her. I wonder would things have been different if she’d had another child, or if she simply always wanted a relationship as close as the one she must have shared with Diana.

My mother has been at least indirectly responsible for the deaths of two people, not including my father. Living with that knowledge is my albatross, but I cannot put her through a murder trial. It would most certainly kill her, and there has been enough death.

After Christmas, I am going to see a specialist about my weight. I have been drugged for two years. I suppose Mum thought she was helping me, and maybe I should be grateful, but I am angry with her for not telling me. She was so determined to control me. I am back to taking the tablets to get my weight down as soon as possible. Consequently, I am buzzing with energy again and rarely sleep. I’m only doing this for the short term, just until I can see a dietician. Karen is delighted that I am in better form, that I am out running every morning before work and that I cycle halfway to and from the office. She hasn’t ever mentioned my size, but it cannot be attractive and I don’t want to give her any further reason to question our relationship. Last Friday, in the pub, Dominic nudged her and pointed at me, saying ‘Beauty and the Beast, know what I mean?’

We are going to dinner together at Mum’s for the first time next week. I have rung Mum several times to make sure that she hasn’t changed her mind and that she will not be weird with Karen. I dared not tell Mum that Karen is married. One step at a time. But Mum’s mood is much improved too. She says that she is looking forward to the dinner and that she has been poring over recipe books to make sure that the meal is perfect. I’m trying not to let Karen know how nervous I am about this meeting. They will either get on or they won’t, but the truth is if Mum forces me to choose, I will choose Karen.





25


Karen


When Laurence told me that his mother had invited me for dinner, I knew that it was a big deal for him. And it was a big deal for me too. I was terrified of a woman I had never met, but Laurence seemed a lot better after that visit to his ma. I was so glad that I made him go. He started exercising again, dumped the junk food and suddenly he was more energetic, cleaning up the cottage and making proper plans for its renovation. He lifted out of his depression quickly, and I wondered if this was how it was going to be between us. If Laurence was prone to bouts of depression, I decided that I would be willing to stand by him. Nobody understood me like Laurence did. He had my best interests at heart. Laurence was supportive of whatever decisions I made. He was not jealous or small-minded. He made me a better version of myself. I wanted to make him happy. In bed on the morning of the dinner, I very tentatively asked Laurence if he thought it would be a good idea if I moved in with him. I stumbled over the words, knowing that, traditionally, it would be the man who asks this question, but I wanted to demonstrate my commitment to him.

He grinned at me.

‘Yes! Yes, of course. I was going to ask you, but I was afraid that I’d scared you off. That’s what I want too, to live with you officially. I’d marry you if divorce was legal –’ He stopped, shy suddenly. ‘I mean, if you said yes, obviously.’

‘I’d say yes.’ I moved my head on to his pillow and kissed his mouth, and he kissed me back with a slow sweet passion and that turned into a kind of lovemaking that was more tender than ever before.

Later, as we prepared to go to his mother’s house, I dressed very carefully. It was cold, early December. I had received a big cheque during the week from Yvonne with a note attached, advising me of a designer’s sample sale in the Westbury Hotel. I arranged to meet her there. She knew a little about my relationship with Laurence. She hadn’t met him, but when I told her of his mother’s dinner invitation to Avalon and her address, she seemed pleased but sounded a warning.

‘If I can give you any advice, dear, I would suggest that you should not go where you don’t belong. It rarely works out.’

I laughed at her. ‘But it’s worked out for you.’