Loving Dallas(38)

“Well, I think you’re the best damn marketing events promotional person there is.”

She’s grinning when she corrects me with her official title. “And I want to be happy, you know? Not just content. But full-on happy.”

“Full-on happy?” We’ve almost reached the hotel but I want to hear her explanation of this so I slow our pace.

She nods and her voice is soft when she speaks. “Yeah. I want to love and be loved and I want to smile and laugh and be grateful for all that I have every single day.” Her eyes don’t leave mine as she continues. “I understand what you meant about getting caught up in the tour and the interviews and the media stuff. Sometimes it’s easy to just shift into autopilot and go through the motions. But I don’t want that. I don’t want to just ‘get through’ my life. I want to really live it and enjoy it. I want to experience everything that I can while I can.”

Her words flow out of her mouth and into me.

Is this what this is? An experience? One with an expiration date because I’ve set it up that way?

There’s a convincing smile plastered on my mouth but Robyn listing her life goals is doing something strange to me. It’s like listening to someone tell you what’s going to happen after you die.

We’ve had a fantastic night and I’m happy for her? but knowing I won’t be a part of this future she’s so excited about has me twisted up inside in knots I don’t know how to untie.

“I want to go hiking and sailing and travel the world,” Robyn continues, her enthusiasm growing as my trepidation about the entire state of our relationship consumes me. “I want to eat a meal that costs way more than it should in Europe, and have pasta in Italy that fills me so full I look like I’m pregnant with twins. And, oh! I want to go to that toy store in New York. The one in that movie with the giant piano, you know?”

“FAO Schwarz,” I say because it was in a Tom Hanks movie she and I used to watch on my grandparents’ couch on lazy Sunday afternoons.

“Right.” Her eyes are gleaming with excitement while I am wrestling with my own selfish shit. She’s practically skipping ahead while I trail behind.

I want to be the one to take her to the f*cking toy store to play on the giant piano, damn it. I want to take her to Europe and Italy. I want to be the one who gets to watch her have these experiences she’s so excited about.

But I won’t be. Because I’ll be on the road, on some bus living like a gypsy while she moves on with her life. With some other motherf*cker who’ll get to kiss her sweet mouth and see that light shining in her eyes when she dances across that damn piano. I won’t be the one who gets to watch her dreams come true and that hits me in a place I don’t let anyone affect, ever.

“Ready to call it a night?” I gesture toward the hotel.

Robyn tilts her head at my abruptness. “Yeah. I guess so.”

We ride the elevator to her room in silence. She has this look on her face that has me wanting to kick my own ass. She opened up and I shut her down.

When we reach her door, I see it, the hopeful look of invitation.

I’m going to be invited inside. But I don’t deserve it. And even though I do want this, want her, my head is in the wrong place for this right now.

Before she can say anything I take a step back. “I’m beat, babe. Get some rest and I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

Wounded surprise flashes in her eyes but she nods. “Okay.” Just as I’m about to turn away, she touches my arm. “Dallas?”

“Yeah?”

“Tonight was . . . really great. It was pretty much the perfect date—for me, anyway. Exotic food, art galleries, and dessert at the coolest place I’ve ever seen. But I know you and none of those are really your idea of a good time. And now you’re not coming in so . . .”

I don’t answer her unspoken question because I’m not entirely sure what it’s going to be.

“I guess I’m just wondering what you got out of tonight.” She averts her eyes in a way that makes me feel like I’ve embarrassed her by making her spell it out for me. I place a finger under her chin and lift so she has to look at me.

“You had a good time?”

“A great time,” she says softly.

“That’s what I got out of tonight.”

I kiss her lightly on the mouth, but I step back before she can wrap her arms around me. Tonight wasn’t about casual sex or getting off and we both know it.

If this goes any further right now I’m going to tell her that we can do this every night. That I would do anything to take back the time we lost. That being on the road would not be nearly as much fun if she weren’t here. That I want more than casual sex. I want to be the one to see her dreams come true, f*ck, I want to make them come true.

It wouldn’t be possible and it wouldn’t be right to say any of that, so I place one more kiss on her forehead and let go of her hands. There’s only one way this can go and I need to wrap my head around that and accept it.

Sometimes you don’t get your dream exactly as you wished it. Sometimes you get a solo deal instead of one with your band. And sometimes a woman you are realizing you’re in love with has dreams that don’t include you—that can’t include you.

So I do the only thing that I can.