Loveless(73)

She was in her day look – leggings, a St John’s polo shirt, hair in a ponytail – but her eyes were wild as she stared at me and waited for me to say something.

I didn’t want to talk to her. I was annoyed at her. I knew that what had happened was my fault as well as hers, but I was angry at how she’d reacted when I’d tried to explain my feelings.

She hadn’t even tried to understand.

‘Hello,’ I said flatly.

‘Hi,’ she said back. ‘I need to talk to you.’

‘I … don’t really want to talk to you,’ I said.

‘I know. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.’

But then neither of us could, because we were both interrupted by the professor starting her lecture on Pinter’s The Birthday Party.

Instead of leaving the issue, Rooney withdrew her iPad from her bag, opened up a notes app, and laid it on the table in front of us, close enough to me so that I could see the screen. She started tapping, and I assumed she was just taking notes on the lecture, but then she stopped and pushed the screen towards me.

I’m so, so sorry about what happened at the bailey ball. It was entirely my fault and I was a fucking dick to you when you were trying to tell me something important.

Oh. OK.

That was unexpected.

I looked at Rooney. She raised her eyebrows and nodded at the iPad, gesturing for me to respond.

What was I supposed to say?

I cautiously raised my hands and began to type.

okay

Rooney paused, then tapped furiously at the keyboard.

I know we were drunk but that’s literally not an excuse for the way I acted. You know when straight guys find out that a girl is gay and they’re all like ‘haha but you haven’t kissed me so how do you know you’re gay’. That is basically what I did to you!!!

This whole time I’ve been pestering you about finding a relationship and kissing people and getting out there … I kept telling you to try with Jason and when you tried to tell me you didn’t actually want any of that, I didn’t even listen. And then I thought kissing would be a good idea because I always think kissing just solves everything!!!!

You’ve been figuring out your sexuality for months and I did everything wrong. EVERYTHING.

I had so many ideas about how people should feel about romance and sex and all that, but … it’s all just bullshit and I’m so sorry I’m literally so dumb and I’m an asshole I WANT YOU TO TELL ME I’M AN ASSHOLE

I raised an eyebrow and then typed, okay you’re an asshole

Rooney actually grinned at this.

R – Thank you

G – no problem

I hadn’t even expected her to apologise, let alone understand why what she’d done had been bad.

But she had.

I decided to be bold and type out: so as it turns out, I am aromantic asexual Rooney gave me a look.

It wasn’t the ‘what the fuck is that?’ look that I expected.

It was a curious look. Curious. A little concerned, maybe, but not in a bad way.

Just honestly wanting to know what’s going on with me.

yeah I was confused about it too haha

it means i’m not attracted to anyone romantically or sexually no matter their gender

sorta been figuring that out lately Rooney watched me type. Then she took a moment to think before she responded.

R – Wow … I didn’t even know that was a thing!!! I always assumed it was like … you like guys or girls or some sort of combo G – haha yeah same

hence all the confusion

R – It sounds really difficult to figure out … I’m proud of you!!!!!!

It was far from a perfect response to someone coming out. But it was so distinctly Rooney that it brought a smile to my face.

R – Are you feeling okay about it?

G – to be honest not really.

but

i think i will be

in time?

like … realising and accepting that this is who i am is the first couple of steps and i have done that now i guess??

Before typing a response back, Rooney simply put her head on my shoulder and rested it there for a few seconds, in lieu of a real hug, which would have been a bit difficult in the middle of a lecture.

R – I guess I can’t really relate but I’m here for you. Like, if you ever wanna rant about it or just talk things through!!

G – really??

R – Georgia. We are friends.

G – oh

R – I mean, we have KISSED. Sort of. Platonically made out.

G – i’m aware

R – Sorry about that. Again. Was it really horrible for you????

G – i mean. it did feel a little bit disgusting yes R – Oh!!

G – no offence

R – No I like it. you’re definitely the anti-me G – we are very opposite people, yes R – Very refreshing

G – love that for us

R – Tasty

G – delicious content

R – 10/10

We both started giggling, and then we couldn’t stop, until the professor shushed us and we looked at each other, grinning. Everything might have been shit still, I’d hurt my two best friends and I knew I had so far to go before I could even begin to like who I was, but at least I had Rooney sitting next to me, laughing instead of crying.