Love's Cruel Redemption (The Ghost Bird #12)(73)

He opened the door. The inside looked like a forgotten janitor’s closet. There were shelves with old paint cans and some boxes, but everything was grimy. Even the floor was layered in dust.

Kota came in behind me, and as soon as he was inside, and the door closed, the room went dark. The vent at the bottom and cracks around the door became our only light source.

“I had to talk to you,” he said. “And I didn’t want anyone else to walk in.”

“What is it? Did something happen?”

“No, but I need to talk to you about last night.”

“What happened?” I asked, looking at his face. His gaze was locked on me. His lips were thin, pressed tight. “The last I heard, you were staying at your mom’s house for the night, just monitoring from your computer...” I’d forgotten about it after all the activity today.

“I went to see Lily.”

My heart sped up, thudding so hard that my body shook. It suddenly made sense why it felt like he was taking ages to get back, why it seemed like a secret. “Why? All the way out there?”

“I thought it would be a good time to go. I wanted to go while everyone was...distracted.”

“Why didn't you want to tell anyone?” I leaned forward, closer to him. “Why not tell me about it?”

His lips tightened and he lowered his head. “I didn't want to tell you.”

“Why?”

He sighed and straightened up, looking at me in the eyes. “I didn't want you to feel like you had to do this.” He put a palm over his chest, close to his heart. “We wanted to ask her to... check with you to make sure we're not getting you to do something you don't want.”

“We? Who is we?”

He made a face. “Nathan. He and I talked about it, and we wanted to check in with her. About you. To get her to ask you...”

My mind was reeling to catch up. “Ask her to ask me?”

“Yeah,” he said.

My breath escaped me as I considered what he was saying. While we were busy with Volto, he was all the way across town asking Lily to check in with me about the relationship. Not that he knew Volto would be there. We’d all expected it to observe only, to see what was going on.

Kota and Nathan thought because the others were asking me to do this that perhaps I didn't want to do it and was just going along with it?

Because they didn’t trust that I wanted it?

He took my hand, holding it between two palms and warming it. My eyes were getting used to the dimness in the room, and his expression had a touch of fear and sorrow that I hadn’t caught until that moment.

“Maybe we could have asked you directly, but we wanted her to do it. We didn't know if us asking you would just put more pressure on you to agree. Because Nathan and I won't unless you're absolutely sure.”

“I'm not sure,” I said gently and closed my eyes to say the last bit. “But not because of me.”

His hand remained wrapped around mine. “What do you mean?”

I opened my eyes slowly, finding his serious, deeply concerned expression haunting.

But I wasn't sure how to share my thoughts with him. I didn't totally understand my own feelings, either. I cared about all of them. I'd been close with all of them.

Somehow, the anguish the two had gone through with Erica, knowing the same may come one day from Uncle or the others, not to mention the feelings they have—the uncomfortable feelings they carried seeing me with one of the others—it was all so much to fight against. I'd never been in a relationship before, but a normal relationship seemed like the easiest sort, a piece of cake compared to what we were trying to do. The question wasn't if they were pushing me in to it. I was more concerned about them, making them feel like they had to. We were talking about this long term.

How long could I ask them to go on like this?

But I didn’t want to give up, either. I just wanted to be sure, as well, that this is something they’d be happy with.

“I don’t want to ask you to choose between me and them...or Erica...” Flustered, I gripped at his palm. I squeezed a bit too much, my nails denting his skin, but I was so tense I couldn’t get myself to release once I was locked on. “Kota, I feel like I’m forcing you all already into this. It shouldn’t be something we get used to or learn to accept. I can’t ask you all to do this.”

“You’re not,” he straightened and continued to hold my hand despite what I was doing. He took a step closer, drawing my hand up to his chest, holding it, palm to palm with mine, against his heart. “It has to be us asking you. That’s how it works.”

“What?”

“I just didn’t understand it. When you all told me, when the others explained it to me, I was thinking something else. Like...” He sighed and then leaned in, his breath warming my face as he spoke. “I thought I’d have to watch you kiss them. Like when I walked in on you and Gabriel.”

“Oh.” I hadn’t even thought of that. I had experienced it a few times, with the others walking in at various moments. The hurt looks and awkwardness made it so complicated.

“I thought that was what I was looking at. And other things.” He pressed his free hand to my cheek, and then released my other hand to hold my face. “Sang, I had the picture all wrong. That’s what was wrong with me.”