Love and Other Words(16)

“You just don’t like Sean.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. He’s the first guy who’s managed to last beyond three dates; of course I like him. He deserves my esteem for beating that record.”

I am so tired, I can feel the unreasonable coming out. Tight defensiveness rises up in my chest, kick-starting my pulse. “Okay, let me clarify: you don’t want me to marry Sean.”

“Macy, honey, I don’t want you to marry Sean – yet – that’s true. But that’s unrelated to me also wanting you to reconnect with Elliot. I adore you, you know this, but you’ve told me what it was like when your mom died. How hard you worked to keep everyone out or at arm’s length – a can of worms we could totally open up, if you have the time —”

“Sabrina.”

“My point is that you could never shut out Elliot. He’s your soul mate. You think I don’t know that?”

I nod, walking again. I’ve been on my feet for so long that my toes are numb in my shoes. I’m essentially just shuffling slowly uphill. “I’m so tired.”

“Oh, honey,” she says gently.

“And there’s something else,” I say, hesitating.

“Yeah?”

“He didn’t know about my dad.” The truth of that one still stings.

Sabrina gasps. “What?”

“I know. That part’s all my fault, I get that.” I rub my face. “I just assumed he would have heard about it… through the grapevine.”

She’s gone quiet, and it’s the quiet that nearly breaks me because, holy hell, I am a monster. Sabrina must be thinking for the thousandth time that I am dead inside.

“You’d be fine if his parents died,” she begins slowly, “and he didn’t at least try to get in touch with you?”

Miss Dina’s warm eyes and soft face with deep dimples flicker through my thoughts, sending a spike of pain through me. “I know, I see your point.”

Sabrina’s silent again; I hate having this conversation over the phone. I want the reassuring presence of her on the couch next to me.

“I’m not sure Elliot and I could just be friends.”

She huffs out a breath. “I think it’s worth a try.”

Would I even be able to stay away? If I’m honest, wasn’t part of the appeal of moving back here to be closer to what he and I once had, somehow?

“You really think it’s a good idea for me to reconnect with him?” I ask.

“I’ve always thought that.”

“How?” I hear how small my voice seems and pull out my keys, propping my phone between my ear and shoulder when I drop them to the dark porch. “We had breakfast and I bolted. I don’t have his number or address. No way does he have Facebook or Twitter or anything. Normal modes of stalking are out.”

I can hear Sabrina’s pensive hum as I search blindly for my house key. “You’ll think of something.”

then

fourteen years ago

From: Macy Lea Sorensen <[email protected]> Date: January 1, 11:00 PM

To: Elliot P. <[email protected]> Subject: book

Hi Elliot,

Thanks again for Bridge to Terabithia and sorry for getting snot all over your shirt when I was trying to talk about it. Maybe now on the computer I can explain what I was trying to say.

I get why you gave me this book, and I just want you to know how thoughtful it was. I keep thinking about the first day I saw you in the closet, and how it’s sort of how Jesse hated Leslie for beating him in a race. I didn’t hate you, but I wasn’t sure I liked you, either. I guess it doesn’t matter because now it feels like you’re the person who understands me the best. Jesse and Leslie made up Terabithia as their sanctuary and when she died he brought May Belle there to be the new princess. Mom created this world of books with me, but without her I can bring you to the closet to share them instead.

I read it again on the drive home and started crying all over again and I thought my dad was going to totally lose it. He probably had no idea what was going on. He was all What is with you, weirdo? So he just pulled over and kept breathing all deep and asking me what happened. I told him you gave me this sad book. I told him how much it made me miss Mom. And then he cried when we got home, at least I think he did. He’s always so quiet so I’m never sure.

I hate being sad in front of him because it’s like he has this giant vault of sadness already and then he has to lock that all up just to take care of me. And when I think about it, I still have him, but he lost his whole world. Mom was the person he chose out of everyone and she’s gone. I don’t know. I think he doesn’t like to see me cry. But it was good to talk about her. I’m scared I’ll forget her. I miss her so much I need a new language for it.

There I go again. Anyway, did you finish Ivanhoed? That book was ginormous I would be asleep in about five minutes. I read the first page when you went to the bathroom and was all what? I understood about a millionth of it. What’s it even about?

Anyway, school tomorrow. Thanks again for the book. And for just letting me talk about it I guess.

xo

Macy

PS No one here understands that I just want to be another girl at school not the kid whose mom died and who needs to be treated like she can break. Thanks for just saying stuff and not acting like it’s all taboo.