Look Alive Twenty-Five (Stephanie Plum #25)(30)

The reporter looked at the sandwich Lula was making. “What is this?” he asked.

“It’s a chicken parm,” Lula said.

“It doesn’t look like a chicken parm.”

“That’s because without any extra charge I’m giving this person a chicken parm supreme à la Lula. I added bacon and brown gravy on account of everything is better with bacon and gravy.”

The cameraman zoomed in on the supreme à la Lula.

“Order up,” Stretch yelled. “Where’s my chicken parm? Where are my fries?”

“There aren’t any fries,” I said. “Raymond is in the little boys’ room. It might have something to do with the oregano.”

“I need a number twenty-three and a number four,” Dalia said.

The cameraman swung around to get a shot of Dalia and clipped Stretch’s arm with his camera. The chef’s knife got knocked out of Stretch’s hand, fell to the floor, and impaled the producer’s foot.

Time stood still for a full minute while everyone stared in shocked horror.

“Holy bleep,” Lula said.

Stretch pulled the knife out of the guy’s foot and blood spurted everywhere. The cameraman went in for a close-up, and Hal fainted. Crash!

“I need that chicken parm,” Dalia said, “and table three wants apple pie.”

“Chicken parm’s up,” Stretch said. “It’s the plate that looks like diarrhea on bacon.”

I wrapped a towel around the producer’s foot, and Lula bound it up with plastic wrap.

“What’s happening?” one of the customers asked. “What’s going on?”

“We got a issue here,” Lula told him. “Any of you people a podiatrist?”

No one was a podiatrist, so we scooped the producer up and helped him hobble out to the news van.

“Sorry about this,” I said to the reporter. “I hope it won’t reflect badly on the deli.”

“Lady, with the reputation this deli is getting, a stabbing can only enhance it,” the reporter said.

Hal was sitting in a booth when we got back inside, but he wasn’t looking great. Lula gave him a number three with extra gravy and a glass of orange juice. Dalia took a mop to the blood on the kitchen floor. Stretch washed his chef’s knife and poured bleach over it. We comped the checks for all the customers, and got Raymond out of the bathroom.

“Now we’re all back to normal,” Lula said. “I might take the time to get my nails done before the dinner rush, since I’m changing out my hair tomorrow. I’m liking this blond wig. And I might want to stay blond for a while so people can recognize me after I’ve been on television. I’m thinking I’ll go blond and maybe I want some champagne nail varnish.”

“I have to get Valerie a birthday present,” I said. “And then I need to show up for a party at my parents’ house. I’ll get back to close, but I won’t be here for dinner.”

“No problem,” Lula said. “We got it covered.”

“What about Mr. Muscle?” Stretch asked. “Is he going to the party or can he work phones for us?”

“Do you mind working phones?” I asked Hal.

“If it’s okay with Ranger, it’s okay with me,” Hal said.

“Where are you going shopping?” Lula asked. “Do you have ideas for Valerie?”

“I have no ideas. I thought I’d go to the mall and look around.”

“That’s the worst,” Lula said. “That’s like shopping death. You’d better take me with you. I’m good at shopping.”

“I thought you were getting your nails done.”

“I’ll get them done tomorrow. I can see you need my help here.”

Hal parked in the lot at Quaker Bridge Mall, and we all trooped into Macy’s.

“What’s Valerie’s size?” Lula asked.

“I don’t know. She’s put some weight on since the last baby, and she doesn’t discuss size.”

“What about a scarf? A scarf fits all sizes.”

“I don’t think she’s a scarf person.”

“How could someone not be a scarf person? Everybody is a scarf person.”

“I’ve never seen you wear a scarf.”

“Yeah, but that’s me. I don’t like to wear something that takes attention away from my girls.”

We wandered past the scarfs, handbags, and lingerie. Nothing jumped out at me as being perfect for Valerie and in my price range.

“Perfume?” Lula asked. “Candle?”

“Albert has allergies to certain scents.”

We moved out of Macy’s into the mall. Lula led the way, I followed Lula, and Hal followed me.

“Here’s one of my favorite jewelry stores,” Lula said. “They got the best fake diamonds. You can’t tell the difference. And they got stuff that looks like it’s old. It’s the ‘Family Heirloom’ collection.”

“Valerie doesn’t wear jewelry anymore,” I said. “The baby grabs it.”

“They got an Arthur Murray Dance Studio here,” Lula said. “You could give her dance lessons. Or how about a hat? You could get her name embroidered on it. They do it while you wait.”