Look Alive Twenty-Five (Stephanie Plum #25)(24)

“I can tell you right off I’d rather be looking at Raymond’s butt cheeks,” Lula said.

“I found him standing by the trash can in the parking lot,” Connie said. “He was just standing there, swaying.”

His eyes were completely dilated, his mouth was open, and he was drooling.

“What happened to you?” I asked him.

“I don’t think he can talk,” Connie said. “I think he might be drugged.”

“This looks to me like the work of aliens,” Lula said. “I bet they sucked out his brain.”

“Did you call the police?” I asked Connie.

“No. I only called you. I wasn’t sure what to do with him. I was hoping he would come around.”

“We should call Lucille,” I said.

“Yeah, and tell her to bring some clothes on account of her husband is in his altogether,” Lula said.

We all stared down at Vinnie’s foot. It was in his shoe. “I guess I could amend that to his almost altogether,” Lula said. “You gotta respect an alien that has the decency to return a man in his shoe.”

“Vinnie!” I yelled. “Blink if you can hear me.”

“Yuh,” Vinnie said without blinking. “Yuh, yuh.”

I called Morelli. “I need you to come to the bonds office,” I said. “Now.”

There was a beat of silence. “Can you be more specific?”

“I don’t want to ruin the surprise.”

“Are you naked?”

“No, but you’re in the ballpark.”

“I’ll be there in a couple minutes.”

“What’s that mark on Vinnie’s forehead?” Lula asked.

I leaned in and looked at the mark. “It’s a number,” I said. “It looks like it’s been tattooed on. Vinnie is number thirty-seven.”

“I saw that in a movie,” Lula said. “The aliens tattooed numbers on people they abducted, so they could keep track of them after they sucked their brains out. The aliens were breeding the humans like cattle. Every morning they would collect the sperm from the brainless males and then they would use a turkey baster to impregnate the females. It was a product of the adult film industry, but it had some thoughtful content.”

Hal was looking up at the ceiling and down at his shoes, trying not to stare at naked Vinnie.

“Maybe Vinnie wants a donut,” Lula said to Connie. “You have any left?”

Connie took the donut box out of the trash. “There’s one left,” she said. “It’s a little stale but it looks okay.”

Lula offered it to Vinnie. “Would Vinnie like a donut?”

“Yuh,” Vinnie said. He snatched the donut from Lula and shoved it into his mouth. There was a lot of chewing and drooling, and through it all he kept swaying. A chunk of donut fell out of his mouth, onto the floor. He didn’t seem to notice.

“Good Vinnie,” Lula said. “Good boy.” She turned to me. “Someone should take him outside to tinkle.”

“He’s not a dog!” I said.

“They did that in the film,” Lula said. “The brainless males were like dogs. They went outside to tinkle and poop. They did the sperm collection inside. It was pretty interesting. They had a lot of different ways to go about getting the sperm. Do you want to know what they did?”

“No,” Connie said. “Not without a glass of wine.”

Hal made a sound like he was swallowing his tongue.

“Maybe some other time,” I told Lula.

Morelli knocked once and came inside. He looked at me, and then he looked at Vinnie.

“Holy crap,” Morelli said.

“Connie found him in the parking lot,” I said. “He’s got the other shoe on.”

“Yeah, I noticed that right away,” Morelli said. “That and the fact that he’s naked and has a number tattooed on his forehead.”

“I got a theory about that,” Lula said.

“What’s the theory about the dilated eyes and the drooling?” Morelli asked.

“He seems to be a little drugged,” I said. “Maybe we should have him checked out.”

“Can he talk?”

“Yuh,” Vinnie said.

Morelli squelched a grimace. “Can he say anything besides ‘Yuh’?”

“Not yet,” I said. “We were hoping he would come around.”

Morelli put a call in for an EMT transport.

A half hour later Vinnie was being wheeled into the ER, and Lucille was on her way to the hospital.

Morelli took me aside. “What’s with the Rangeman guy?”

“I asked Ranger to install security cameras at the deli, and he decided I needed personal security as well. So, I have Hal.”

“Lucky you. Is Hal watching the game with us tonight?”

“No game. I have a takedown tonight after I close at the deli. Hal’s going to help.”

“Do I want to know about this?”

“No.”

Morelli kissed me on the forehead. “I have to get back to my desk to finish today’s paperwork. Be careful tonight.”

Connie stayed with Vinnie. Lula, Hal, and I went back to the deli. Raymond was alone in the kitchen when we walked in.