Little Lies(58)

“I’m going to say something,” Queenie announces, “not as your therapist, but as someone who cares about both you and Kody.”

I still, my breath locked in my throat as I wait for words that will undo this pain. I meet her gaze and see inside her, right to the core of her uncertainty. And in that moment, I learn that adults are not infallible, that they don’t always have the answers, and sometimes they fuck shit up.

“No one ever expected things to go this way.” Her voice is soft like satin and sad like a funeral.

“Go what way?”

Queenie drops her head, her hand smoothing over her belly in rhythmic circles meant to calm—her or the baby, I’m not sure.

When her gaze meets mine, I feel her regret. “We didn’t account for Kody shutting down the way he did. You were both so young, and your bond was so strong. There was concern as to what that might look like in the future.”

These are all things I know. Things we’ve talked about.

And they were right to worry, because we were out of control. I couldn’t see it then, but I see it now. Kodiak would have tried to save me forever, and I would have drowned in my own anxiety to let him. I wanted that more than I wanted to get better.

“You did the right thing.” I press my palm against the paper. “The only way to break a bad habit is to eradicate it from your life. And that’s exactly what he’s done. Mission accomplished.” I drag my hand down and blur the lines. Everything bleeds together, my creation destroyed. So apt, considering it was me who ruined everything in the first place.





Chapter Twenty-One


Roomies

Lavender

Present day

“WHAT DO YOU mean you’re moving out?” River follows me down the stairs, nearly stepping on my heels.

I brought Lovey and Lacey with me as reinforcements. I figure I can toss the basics into my suitcase and a couple of tote bins and manage the rest later.

My sewing supplies are going to be an issue. I may have to concede to working on projects here, because they’re not quite so easy to transport. But again, I can assess once I’m in my room and have an idea of the space.

“I put myself on the list and a room became available. I decided to take it.”

At the bottom of the stairs, he tries to worm his way around me, but I get to the front door first. Lovey and Lacey are behind him with two more boxes. Getting the door open is a problem, though, because I don’t have a free hand, and River is crowding me.

I give him a look. “Seriously, River?”

“Why do you want to live in the dorms? You’re going to hate it. Girls are catty. You won’t know people. What happens if-if-if . . . you have a huge anxiety attack?”

I’m holding a box full of toiletries and crap. It’s heavy. It’s not like I didn’t expect this, but my arms are starting to protest. “Then I’ll manage like I have for the past seven years.”

“But, but . . .” He flails and flounders. “Is it because of whatever happened last night? Or because I got into it with Kody?”

“That you actually need to ask that question is pretty much the reason I’m moving out. Now back up so I can open the door.” I push against his stomach with my box.

The door opens, hitting me in the back and causing me to stumble forward. And of course, because nothing can be easy, Kodiak tries to push his way into the front hall, which was already crowded with me and River and the seven million stinky pairs of shoes on the floor. These guys and their shoes.

“What’s going on?” His T-shirt is wet with perspiration. His hair is drenched, and beads of sweat trickle down his temples. He’s clearly been for a run. He should look disgusting, but he doesn’t.

“Lavender’s moving out,” River spits. “And it’s your fucking fault.”

“I can’t deal with this.” I use their momentary distraction to slip past Kodiak. Lacey and Lovey dance their way around him too.

“How is that my fault? I’m only here for a few weeks, and then I’ll be back in my own place,” Kodiak scoffs, but he sounds unnerved.

I drop the box in the trunk and turn to face them. River and Kodiak are standing with their arms crossed, barricading the door. I’ll come back for the rest of the things I need tomorrow, when they aren’t home.

I pin them with a glare. “I need a damn break from the blame game and all the bullshit.” Lovey and Lacey drop their boxes in the trunk, and I slam it shut.

“What about your sewing machine?” River’s eyes are wide with panic. “And what about Mom and Dad? Do they know? There’s no way Mom is gonna be cool with this.”

“I already talked to Mom. She fully supports my decision. As for my sewing machine, I’ll deal with it later. Let’s go, girls.”

We get into the car, and I lock the doors because River is on his way down the steps. He tries to open the driver’s side door as I put the car in reverse. He knocks on the window. “Come on, Lav! You can’t seriously be moving out!”

I ignore him since there is no other option, and I’m not stopping to discuss this. I’m not giving him the chance to try to convince me to stay. He chases me halfway down the street before he finally gives up.

I’m gripping the steering wheel so hard, the vinyl creaks, and my knuckles are white. It’s really to prevent my hands from shaking. I’m aware that this is probably going to make things worse with River and Kodiak, but I can’t deal anymore. Pandering to River isn’t helping either of us.