Leaving Amarillo(91)

I should feel something. Shocked maybe? Hurt? Anger? And yet, I feel slightly relieved. I don’t want to run back out on the road and leave Papa’s memory and his house in disarray. So if I can sit this audition out, I’m okay with that.

I give my brother the best reassuring smile that I can. “That’s okay, Dallas. If this guy doesn’t need me there to audition, then I don’t need to be there. No big.”

Both he and Gavin shift nervously as if they’re attached at some location not visible to me.

“It’s more complicated than that, Dix. But it doesn’t matter.” My brother’s words come out in a jumbled mess resembling a multi-car pileup on the interstate. “Barry just wanted to put me and Gavin with another guitar player he’s trying to get on the tour and then he’d probably just cut us loose. But like I told Mandy, and like I was just attempting to explain to Gavin, it doesn’t matter. Great as it is that he’s interested, we all go or none of us do.”

“Dallas, I don’t mind sitting out an audition, for goodness sakes. If this is a huge break then you should—”

“It’s not a huge break for the band,” my brother rushes out over the rest of my sentence. “It’s not the band he wants added to the tour. The offer doesn’t include plane tickets for all three of us, Dix. And it’s not all three of us that would go on the tour if he likes the audition.”

His shoulders slump as he watches me finally get it. Now I feel something. A lot of somethings that I can’t accurately identify.

But mostly, I feel fear. Sheer terror, actually, at the idea of Dallas hanging around Amarillo forever waiting for the band to get discovered and passing up opportunities he should be grabbing on to with both hands.

“Dallas, maybe you should—”

“No,” he says, reprimanding me with his tone and his glare simultaneously. “We all go or none of us go and that’s that.”

“But—”

My brother cuts me off sharply. “It’s not up for discussion. I’m telling Mandy and Barry both thanks, but no thanks.”

Gavin says something that I don’t catch because there is another man’s voice in my head.

“Take care of each other,” the voice says. My breath hitches the moment I recognize it.

My dad’s words. The command my brother has likely been trying to follow in honor of our parents’ memory for the past ten years. He’s done a good job taking care of me. But standing here watching him commit a completely selfless and completely foolish act of sacrifice, I know now that it’s time I did the same for him.

Hours have passed and my brother paces across the living room floor, following the well-worn path in the hardwood. His suitcase is by the door. I know because I packed it.

“I told you, I’ll handle this. We’ll put you on keyboard or something until Barry warms up to the idea of a fiddle during live shows. You’ve got to be in the studio for recording sessions when it comes time to record the demo anyway, Dix. Please don’t bail on me when I need you the most.”

His eyes are dark with intensity while he pleads his case and as much as a part of me wants to do as I’ve always done and follow wherever he leads, I know it’s time.

We’ve been having this same argument for the past two hours and we’re out of time. Either they go now or they won’t make their flight.

After an hour on the phone with Mandy, Dallas is still angry and nothing has really been resolved.

Barry has a daughter my age, Mandy told him, and he’s an old-fashioned guy. Said the road was no place for a young lady. I checked online and sure enough, his label leaned much heavier on the male artist side. I suspected I would not like Barry very much.

“I’m not bailing on you, Dallas. I’m stepping aside so that I don’t get in your way. I’m letting you go instead of holding you back.”

“You’re not in my way, Dix. You’re part of this band. And once Barry sees what you can do and how talented you are—”

“I’m twenty years old, Dallas. I think it’s time I stopped tagging along on your adventures. Don’t you?” I don’t believe the words coming out of my mouth, and they taste like I imagine poison might—bitter and acidic—but they have to be said. It’s the only way. It’s my turn to take care of him.

“We are the band. You, me, and Gavin. There is no band without you.”

I wait quietly on the couch for him to accept that I’m not going. There is so much to handle here since Papa passed away and running back out on the road feels like abandoning his memory. As hard as it is to shove Dallas toward his dream, a part of me is thankful I can take care of all that Papa left behind.

Gavin taps his hands steadily on the couch across from me.

My brother shoots him a pleading look. “Gavin. Please tell her to get her ass in the truck and let’s go.”

I watch as Gavin stills and then shakes his head. “This is her decision. It’s time you started letting her make her own.”

I try to look at him with gratitude to let him know I appreciate his support, but I worry he’ll see too much truth in my eyes when I’m busy trying to sell my brother a lie.

“He’s right,” I choke out. “And there are things you don’t know about Nana and Papa. They had plans before us, Dallas. Plans we kept them from getting to live out. We held them back. I won’t do that to you. Not anymore.”