Knight Nostalgia: A Knights of the Board Room Anthology(68)

“No. I don’t want to grieve him alone. I think that was what I just realized. That I didn’t have to do it by myself. It was why I was calling you.”

His expression eased. She knew he didn’t like her to be hurting and him not be close enough to shelter and protect. Her nurturing Master.

“All right. When do you eat the cake?”

Her spirits tilted in an upward direction at the casually posed question. Her Master cared first and foremost about her welfare, but he also had a serious sweet tooth. His blue eyes twinkled.

“Whenever you wish,” she said. “I thought about taking it into town and leaving it in the K&A breakroom for everyone to share.”

“Maybe we’ll cut up the rest for them. Tomorrow.” He winked at her and moved toward the door, the photo album now in one arm while he held her hand in the other. “Let’s go down to the couch. That’s where you were headed with it, right?”

She nodded and followed him down the steps into their open living room, with the wide glass windows and plants that tied the interior to the natural exterior. Japanese maples, aralia with its starlike leaves, and several bonsai in various shapes and sizes, placed on earth-toned wooden pedestals. It made their living room feel like an atrium, and she loved the effect. Their entire home made her feel more at ease.

He set aside the album to shed his suit coat, draping it on one of the chairs pulled up to the high counter that flanked their open kitchen. He also loosened and removed the tie, unbuttoned his collar and cuffs, and rolled up his sleeves. It was one of her favorite looks for him, the dress shirt with the belted trim slacks.

Though there was a lot to be said for him in jeans and a well-worn T-shirt that clung to his toned upper body, too. She liked the way he looked in anything. Though he was one of the most breathtaking men she’d ever seen, it didn’t have anything to do with his outside. Not since she’d learned about the generous heart and loving soul that gorgeous exterior covered.

As he guided her into a seated position on the couch, she sighed. “I was being stupid, thinking you wouldn’t know.”

He sat down next to her, putting a hand on hers. He gave her a look. “That’s one. Correct yourself.”

He only approved self-criticism if it was intended to build her up, like if she decided she needed to learn more about a certain yoga practice, or if she realized a therapy strategy hadn’t worked out the way she’d hoped, and she was trying to figure out why. Calling herself stupid fell in his total disapproval range.

“Some part of me felt it was part of my old life,” she said slowly. “This ritual, that is. Not my son. I didn’t want to burden you with it. I didn’t want to darken what we have with the feelings I’ve always felt on this day.”

“What feelings are those?”

She shook her head, but the touch of his fingers transformed into a firm grip on her wrist. “That’s two.”

He also wouldn’t tolerate her not expressing her feelings, for fear of how he might react to them.

She closed her eyes. “Failure. A grief so strong and dark, it can swallow me. Loneliness. A loneliness I no longer should feel, because I have the love of a wonderful Master. So, to feel that way, even for a minute, compounds my sense of failure.”

“Am I more than your Master?”

“Master encompasses everything. Everything I want and need.” She swallowed, understanding the contradiction in her words, but he pressed on.

“Okay. What other things does a Master encompass?” His thumb was moving her ring on her finger, a caress as much as a hint.

It made her smile a little. “Husband.” It was still a miracle to her, hearing it said aloud.

“One more. It’s the most important job a spouse has. My wife told me that, on our honeymoon.”

The smile now bloomed in her heart, in the cracks. It helped, but it also widened them, causing pain. But maybe the right kind. She remembered the first night of their honeymoon, standing on a hotel balcony, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. They were so high up and the beach was so close, it was as if the ocean was right beneath them. Someone had a radio on, playing “I Need You” by LeAnn Rimes. When Jon had joined her at the rail, he’d drawn her into a slow dance. And she’d spoken the words in his ear.

You’re my Master, but you’re my friend, too. Thank you for that. I’ve realized friendship is the most important thing a marriage has to have.

“Friend,” she said. “Best friend, actually.”

“Yeah.” His grip tightened, a quick squeeze. He toed off his polished brogues and propped his feet, clad in thin black dress socks, on the coffee table. Then he picked up the photo album. Laying his other arm across the back of the couch, he glanced at it meaningfully as he balanced the album on his knees.

She settled back in the curve of his arm, inhaling the dry-cleaned linen smell of his shirt and his light cologne as she accepted that shelter. As she did, she let out a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding. Her heart felt lighter, even on this day, the day she’d often felt so weighed down with grief she couldn’t get out of bed.

She’d created the rituals, the cake and tending of poppies, the looking through the album, as a task list to ensure that she honored Kyle the right way. But also because the other way could easily turn into a week in that bed.