Jax (Titan #9)(95)
Jax put his hands on her biceps and gave a soft squeeze. "Tell me."
"It didn't feel real. The marriage, wedding rings. I had this fairytale wedding in my head. And I know the wedding ceremony doesn't make the marriage, but I wanted this very traditional wedding with a giant wedding gown and veil, bridesmaids, and groomsmen. I fantasized about a church with an organist and people throwing birdseed or blowing bubbles as we ran out."
Jax grumbled.
It wasn't everyone's ideal day, but it was hers. "You know what else?"
"Hmm?" The cold, rough edge of his disinterest barely registered because she'd tried to share her dream with Johnny time and time again, and his responses had run along the lines of "better luck next time" to "sounds like a waste of money."
"I couldn't see Johnny's face. It was never him." Seven shook her head. "No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't put him in my dreams."
Jax squeezed her arms and let out a deep sigh. He finally said, "You would look beautiful in a big white dress."
"Thanks." That was more than she'd ever gotten before, and Seven squeezed her eyes shut, wanting to be closer to him than their layers of clothes would allow. She leaned nearer and held on to him, refusing to be overwhelmed by history.
Jax stroked her hair. "I was in love before."
Seven tilted her head back.
"I was a couple years younger than you. Man, and I was na?ve. Green as fuck. Her name was Carrie, and she worked for the Agency as an operational analyst. Essentially, an intel grunt. She would take info from ops and digest it. Sometimes, that meant fieldwork, but mostly, she was behind a computer. The whole thing is classified, actually. What I'm about to tell you doesn't even exist. But…" His body tensed, and Seven thought he might never continue. "I married her."
Having no idea what to do, she stayed wrapped around Jax because those last three words sounded like they hurt him to say. If nothing else, Seven wanted to simply touch him, tell him without a sound that she wished he never hurt.
"Carrie wore a white dress. Sounds like you might've liked it. A long veil too. Her hair was long and… up. There were these pins. They shimmered and held the veil in place."
Seven couldn't tell if pain or anger made Jax's voice gravel. She inched back, wanting to ask if he was okay, needing to see his face, but the jungle night was dark to the point of blindness. It was cruel not to be able to see his eyes, his cheeks, those lips that she wanted to kiss when his pain shook the wilderness. "You don't have to continue."
"I should tell you." His ragged, broken sigh shattered her heart. "There was a small room at the back of the church. Music still played. We didn't even have a chance to laugh over the stupid way one of her bridesmaids kept sneezing during the ceremony and how the priest kept glaring. We never got to talk."
"Jax, what happened?"
His clothes rustled as he pulled back, rubbing his chest. "What happened?" Jax's hurt bottomed out in a deadness that sent chills down Seven's skin. "Deacon Lanes happened."
Oh—They were both employed by the CIA. Did they have an affair? Or—
"Their cover was blown for a job, and Deacon's identity was in question while we were at the church. Him and her at the same location. They walked into the room seconds after we shut the door, and Deacon didn't even look—"
What happened? Seven would never ask, but hell…
"He said, 'she means nothing,' shot her in the head, and kept his cover."
"What!" Seven's heart broke for Jax. The idea of a loved one killed in action was unbearable, but to witness it? And after getting married? Seven didn't know how Jax was still standing.
She also understood the rage she'd witnessed in Las Vegas. What had seemed like a snap, out-of-control decision to attack and nearly kill Deacon now didn't seem vicious enough.
How was Deacon still alive? She had no idea. She would never ask why Jax hadn't murdered the man who'd murdered his wife. They were raised in different ways. But his self-control, the dedication he had to his cause and country, and the fact that he placed what he did and what he was doing for Nolan, Bianca, and her so high, had elevated him to sainthood.
"I've been angry and hateful since that day." He wrapped his arms around her. "Time heals wounds, but Seven, I have to thank you too."
She jolted back in his arms. "Me?"
Jax didn't let her go anywhere. "Yeah, princess, you. Because I go through the motions and do a hell of a job, but I couldn't feel a damn thing." He inched her close until his breath tickled her face. "Until I felt my heart beat when I woke up married, next to you."
Seven had no doubt how deeply she'd fallen in love with him, but she had no idea how to focus her mind around the gravity of that realization.
"Not too much farther and not much left to say. Let's get in and get some shut-eye." He slid his hands down her arms and found her grip. With a squeeze, Jax signaled that it was time, and into the darkness they went.
CHAPTER FIFTY
Seven was home and safe after an exhausting trek through the jungle delivered her to a helicopter which materialized out of nowhere then whisked her away.
The bright morning held the promise of a return to normal. Nolan and Bianca were in their beds, and Jax had held her all night long until he had to go, giving her a quick update on her mom.