Jack (Gilead #4)(68)

“The study, if that’s all right. I don’t want to interrupt—”

“I’m sure you don’t,” he said. “You know where to find my study.” And he stayed behind a little to shake hands and send good wishes to relatives and so on, prolonging the time Jack stood waiting in the study, even after he had delayed awhile in coming up the stairs. The minister finally came into the room, gestured to a chair, and sat down at his desk.

Jack said, “Boughton. That is my actual name.”

The minister nodded. “So we’ve settled that. Now, what is on your mind today, Mr. Boughton?”

Jack cleared his throat. “I believe your sermon this morning may have been directed at me. In some part.”

“You’d be the best judge of that. There are entirely too many people who might feel that way. That makes it worth preaching about.”

“Yes. Well, I intend to reform my life. There have been other attempts, not well grounded, I believe. Not quite serious, though I didn’t really realize this at the time. I lack moorings, somehow. What you said this morning will be a great help, I feel quite sure.”

The preacher nodded. “I know I’ve said this before, but you probably need to go home and talk to your father.”

“I will, at some point. When I can tell him I’ve reformed, at least enough to look him in the eye while I say it.” The preacher smiled, and Jack said, “That’s a problem I have.”

“Yes, I see.”

There was a silence long enough that Jack half expected the preacher to push back his chair and check his watch and wish Jack success in his efforts at self-betterment or something. Finally he said, “Can I take it that you’re seeking me out again because the advice I gave you last time we spoke has been useful to you?”

“Yes, sir. Very useful.”

“You have followed it, then.”

“No, sir. I can’t really say I have. But it has given me a lot to think about.”

“Wonderful,” the preacher said, by which he did not mean wonderful. Then, “I happened to speak to Miss Miles’s pastor about her the other day. Not about you, just her. He thinks the world of her, of course. Her accomplishments, and also her Christian character.”

Jack had noticed many times that anyone with any sort of place in life became, at some point, the exasperated authority. What have you done, Boughton? Why did you do it? He had found he could accept reproof from anybody who was not dead drunk and be no better for it, unless the discomfort involved was actually payment against outstanding debt. This thought may actually have comforted him, since debt can be reduced, unless it involves interest of some kind, which would be a way of understanding the steady accumulation of lesser errors and transgressions also to be atoned for, if there was merit in this view of things. Those fellows who said they were debt collectors, making him turn out his pockets every week or two, he hadn’t seen them for a while. So he had sought out a man of the cloth, he thought, perhaps looking for another version of the same experience.

Jack said, “I’m sure I couldn’t break off our relationship without causing her a great deal of sadness. Grief. I truly believe this.”

The minister shrugged. “People recover, generally speaking. They can look back on their sorrows, sooner or later, and be grateful for whatever caused them. Impossible as it may seem at the time.”

“And she would be grateful. She’d have a better life.”

“I believe in time she would be grateful.”

Jack nodded. “Still.”

The minister leaned back in his chair. “Mr. Boughton, I will be very frank with you. I think I understand what I’m asking you to give up. You strike me as an intensely lonely man, someone for whom life has not gone well. And suddenly a fine young woman has decided she is in love with you. Her life up to this point has been sheltered enough that she doesn’t really know the kinds of things that can happen when laws are violated. And what can you do for her? You can be loyal to her. That’s worse than useless in the circumstances, unless you decide the loyal thing would be to leave her alone.”

Jack said, “To me it feels like disloyalty even to be thinking about leaving her alone. I believe it would feel that way to her. I know it would.”

“Well, if you don’t want my advice, why are you here?”

Jack said, “I’m sorry,” and stood up. “I’ve imposed on your time.”

“Redeem the time, son! You can pay me back by telling me what you came here for.”

“It doesn’t matter. A sort of blessing, I suppose.”

“What? No! Did I hear you right? A blessing? No! Nothing about any of this has my blessing! Surely I have made that clear!”

“Yes, sir, you have. But you asked me why I had come in the first place. I guess I didn’t realize then that your position was quite so final. I wouldn’t have bothered you if I’d known.”

“Did you think I would put a little sprinkle of holiness on this arrangement of yours, maybe help you convince that good woman that it really is some kind of marriage?”

“No, sir. She doesn’t need to be convinced. The blessing would have been for me. As I said, I’m trying to reform, but I lack—moorings. I used that word before. I can’t think of a better one.”