It's Only Love(7)

With his elbows on his knees, he stared off at a point over her shoulder, seeming to think about what she’d said.

“The last time,” she said tentatively, “after you were in the fight and I came here to check on you . . .”

“What about it?”

“It was weeks before I could take a deep breath that didn’t hurt.”

“Ella . . .”

“I didn’t tell you that to make you feel bad. I told you so you’d understand why I can’t do this halfway. I just can’t take that chance.”

“I’m afraid I’ll let you down in some way.”

“You’re a man,” she said teasingly. “Of course you will.”

He offered a small smile. “You know what I mean.”

“Maybe this isn’t the right time.” A ripple of pain attacked her entire body as she said those words, but she couldn’t afford to be stupid or too hopeful where he was concerned. Despite the steps forward they’d taken earlier, he was still waffling.

“May I say something that might be extremely unfair in light of the mixed signals I’ve sent you for far too long?” he asked.

“Um, okay. I guess.” While part of her wanted to put her hands over her ears so she couldn’t hear something that couldn’t be unheard, she was far too curious to do that.

“I told you that since Homer died and Hannah got remarried, I’ve been spiraling back in time to when Caleb first died. I’ve felt almost as bad as I did then, except for the rare occasions when you’re close by. That’s the only time the spinning stops.”

Ella had no idea how to reply to that. It was, perhaps, the most important thing he’d ever said to her. She swallowed hard as she acknowledged what it had taken him to admit such a thing to her.

“I need you, Ella. I’m no longer capable of pushing you away, not when I feel so much better when you’re here. I feel like a selfish bastard for dragging you into my nightmare, but I can’t fight it anymore.”

Maybe she was insane or at least downright crazy, but there was no way she could walk away from him after hearing him say those words in that pleading tone.

“If you’re asking me to commit to a genuine relationship,” he continued, “I’ll do it if it means I get to have you in my life. I’ll take you any way I can get you.”

Even though alarm bells were ringing loudly in her mind, Ella pretended not to hear them. How could she possibly pay any attention to them when the man of her dreams had just said what she’d waited years to hear? He felt better when she was around. He needed her. He’d take her any way he could get her. She could work with that, couldn’t she? She could damned well try.

“I-I should probably go,” she said, though that was the last thing she wanted to do. “It’s getting late.”

“Stay.”

Never had one word packed a bigger wallop. Ella was on the verge of hyperventilation. Spend a whole night with Gavin Guthrie? She needed oxygen. She needed a reality check. She needed a toothbrush.

“Ella? Are you okay?”

“Yes, of course I am. I was just thinking about what I need to do tomorrow. I have . . . Dinner. With my family.” For God’s sake, Ella, he’s not asking you to move in. What the hell does dinner have to do with anything? You’ve waited forever for an opportunity to be close to him, and you’re bungling it! “That’s later in the day.”

“So nothing in the morning?”

He didn’t need to know that Sunday morning was her usual errand time. Gavin Guthrie was asking her to sleep over. Groceries could wait. “No, nothing in the morning.”

“Great, then you can stay?”

“I . . . um . . . Sure. Okay.” The last word came out as a squeak that she covered by coughing. She was acting like a virgin on the threshold of the big event, when she was a long way from that. But having the man she’d adored from afar for her entire adult life ask her to spend the night with him wasn’t something that happened every day.

Suddenly, she was far more nervous than she’d been the night she’d lost her virginity. This felt like a much bigger deal in every possible way.

“You’re freaking out, aren’t you?” he asked.

“What? No, I’m not freaking out.”

He smiled, as if he didn’t believe her, and got up from the sofa to offer his hand. “Come on. Let’s find you something to sleep in.”

Following him and holding his hand as he turned off lights and led the way to his bedroom, Ella wanted to wave her free hand in front of her face to cool herself off. She was on the verge of seriously overheating—and blowing this up into the most important event of her entire life. But wasn’t it? Wasn’t it quite possibly the single most important thing she’d ever done?

She began to feel a bit nauseated, which was definitely not the mood she was going for. Stop overthinking it. You’re not going to have sex with him. You’re only going to sleep with him. But what if he thinks I agreed to sex? Did I agree to sex? Am I hyperventilating? How will I know? I’ve never hyperventilated before.

The flannel shirt he’d worn earlier was lying across the foot of his bed. “This is fine,” she said as she released his hand and reached for the shirt.

“Bathroom is right in there. There should be extra toothbrushes in the cabinet. Let me know if you can’t find one.”