It's Only Love(52)

Ella drew in a shaky deep breath and ran her fingers through his hair, wishing there was something she could do or say that would help him. But all she could do was listen and offer what comfort she could.

“I don’t remember much about the rest of that day or the weeks that followed. It’s all a bit of a blur to me. The one thing I do remember, painfully and sickeningly, was that I never told Caleb how afraid I was for him. It was on my mind constantly, that maybe if I’d told him he would’ve been more careful.”

“Oh God, Gavin,” she whispered. “You haven’t been carrying that around with you all this time, have you?”

“I don’t think about it every day anymore, but I’ll always wish I’d told him.”

“He would’ve laughed it off. He would’ve said you were being ridiculous, that he was fine. You know how he was.”

“Yeah, I do, and I also never wanted to put something in his head that didn’t need to be there. Not when he had so many other things to think about.”

“It wouldn’t have made any difference. You know that, don’t you?”

He shrugged, not entirely convinced.

Ella took him by the face and forced him to look at her. “It was his time to go. Nothing you or any of the rest of us who loved him could’ve done or said would’ve changed that irrefutable fact. This was how his life was meant to play out, even if we don’t like it.”

“I don’t like it. I hate it.”

“I hate it, too. I hate it for you and your parents and Hannah and all his friends and extended family. I hate it for all of us. But you know what I’m certain of?”

He shook his head.

“Caleb would hate, absolutely hate, that you feel any guilt whatsoever about what happened to him. He made his choices, and he owned them, Gavin. Nothing you could’ve said or done would’ve changed the outcome for him, as much as you’d like to think otherwise.”

“I don’t really believe I could’ve changed the outcome. I just like to think I could have,” he added with a ghost of a smile.

“He knew you loved him. He died with no doubt whatsoever that he was well and truly loved by so many people. I have to believe he was at peace with himself and his life in that last moment.”

“I hope so. I like to think he never knew what hit him.”

“He didn’t.”

They sat quietly, wrapped up in each other’s arms, and after a while, Ella felt him begin to relax ever so slightly. She wanted to know what he was thinking, if it had helped to talk about it, whether he was tired or sad. But she didn’t ask. She remained stoically silent, hoping he was getting whatever he needed from her.

After a long period of silence, she ventured a glance at him and saw that he was gazing into the fire, lost in thought. She reached up to caress his face, running her thumb over the stubble on his jaw.

He looked down at her. “Thanks.”

“Any time.” She swallowed the hot ball of fear that wanted to lodge in her throat. Had they done more harm than good by talking about this stuff that caused him so much pain? “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think I am.” He took a deep breath. “What happened tonight . . . Cindy’s story . . . I wasn’t expecting that. Things like that . . . some people can just hear them and commiserate and go on. For me, it tends to tear the scab off the wound, which starts the spinning. I might’ve gone off and done something stupid, but I didn’t do that this time. Because of you. Because you were here when I needed you.”

“I always want to be here when you need me.”

“Will you let me do the same for you?” he asked. “Will you lean on me the way you’ve allowed me to lean on you?”

“There’s no one I’d rather lean on than you.”

His smile lit up his face, and the eyes that had been so desolate a short time ago came alive again.

“I love that smile of yours,” she said, tracing it with her finger.

“I love having a reason to smile again. Thanks for that, too.”

“My pleasure.”

“Speaking of your pleasure, it’s been hours and hours since I kissed you.”

“I was wondering when you were going to notice that.”

Still smiling, he brought his lips down on hers for a kiss that went from soft and sweet to hot and sultry in about ten seconds.

Ella held him close to her, loving the feel of his lips on hers, the roughness of his whiskers, the passionate thrust of his tongue. She loved everything about kissing him and being with him this way, whether they were talking about the worst day of his life or kissing passionately, she loved it all. When he tightened his hold on her and stood to carry her into the bedroom, she squeaked in surprise that quickly turned to desire. Sleeping next to him every night had quickly become her favorite thing in the world, and she couldn’t wait to snuggle into his warm embrace once again.

He put her down next to the bed and helped her out of her clothes while she did the same for him.

She wanted to brush her teeth and wash off her makeup, but he gathered her up into his warm embrace, his head leaning against her shoulder.

Ella wrapped her arms around his waist, loving the feel of his skin against hers, the roughness of his chest hair and the scent of his cologne. She loved everything about him, even more so after their conversation about the worst day of his life. His love for his brother ran deep, even after all these years.