Island Affair (Keys to Love #1)(49)
She wanted nothing more than to skip the soul-baring conversation and, instead, bury her face in his neck and breathe in his deliciousness. Allow the warmth from his bronze skin to seep into her, melting the cold dread in her chest.
Thanks to her therapists, she’d come a long way from the high school girl disillusioned and hurt by her lack of parental love and support. Or the college kid desperately trying to find her place in the world, convinced she’d never be good enough to follow in her parents’ and siblings’ footsteps. Lack of self-confidence coupled with the need to feel a sense of control over something, anything, had nudged, then pushed, then fueled her down a path that quickly spiraled into an uncontrollable addiction.
“It’s not really a secret,” she started, her gaze trained on her gold sandals paired off in front of the wardrobe a couple feet away.
Beside her, Luis remained silent, their hands lightly clasped.
“I mean, I’ve talked about it in a few interviews. I just don’t, you know, advertise my struggles with OSFED.”
“That’s your official diagnosis?” he asked, his tone low. Devoid of recrimination or, worse, pity.
“Yeah. Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder. I’ve suffered from a mix of bulimia and binge eating, with a propensity for over-exercising. Although this morning had nothing to do with that,” she rushed on, anxious to assuage any concerns. “I stopped to talk with the owner of a small clothing boutique I came across during my cooldown walk. I didn’t even realize my phone had died.”
He rolled his lips in and slowly nodded. “Makes sense now.”
“What does?”
“Your mom’s worry when I arrived, and you were still out.”
He traced the knuckles of her hand, absently running a finger lightly up and down the back of hers. Tingles danced up her arm at his faint touch.
“I suggested that you’d probably just extended your run around the island to enjoy the early morning peace and cooler weather,” he continued, slowly shaking his head. “She was not happy. I guess she figured I knew a long run might not be the best idea for you. She seemed a little annoyed that it didn’t bother me.”
Sara winced. “Sorry. I should have been up-front with you from the beginning.”
“No, don’t apologize.”
Luis scooted around to face her. His left knee bent between them on the bed, partially covering a green and dark gray octopus floating among waving seaweed leaves on the underwater-themed bedspread. “You don’t have to do or say or be anything you don’t want. Not with me. Not with anyone.”
She ducked her head, swiveling to crook a leg next to his. Her gaze locked on the curve of his calf muscle, the light dusting of dark hair on his shin, the contrast of his tan skin juxtaposed with her paleness. Their clasped hands rested on his knee, their fingers entwined.
“It’s taken me a long time to understand that,” she admitted. “And I don’t always remember. Especially when it comes to my family. But thank you for saying so. For understanding.”
“It’s the truth. And when, or if, you’re ready to talk to me about your OSFED, I’m here for you. No matter what, anything you need.”
Tears burned her eyes at his easy understanding, and she blinked rapidly trying to dry the moisture before it spilled down her cheeks.
Luis continued to surprise her in marvelous, unexpected ways she wasn’t certain she deserved considering the monumental favor she had asked of him. But she knew she owed him the truth. At the very least, the basic details her family would expect him to be familiar with. It was selfish of her to keep him floundering in the dark simply to avoid altering his perception of her.
Swallowing her discomfort, Sara channeled her fledgling confidence, along with her pride in how far she’d come in her recovery process, and clung to the faith that she could trust Luis with what had once been her biggest secret.
“It started in, um, in high school.” She paused. Cleared the discomfort from her throat. “After I overheard my mom’s conversation about college and lowering her expectations for me.”
Luis’s lips parted as if he wanted to say something. When he didn’t, she rushed on with her story, anxious to finally have it out in the open.
College life, the binge eating in her dorm room aided by her unlimited meal pass. The unhealthy “body cleanses” she regularly put herself through. The hours she’d spent running through campus and along Tempe Town Lake pushing her body, convinced she could leave her fears and shame behind her. Hiding the truth from roommates, sorority sisters, her parents, and siblings. Even Mamá Alicia, until the wise woman who’d changed her diapers, soothed her scrapes and bruises, and scolded with an eagle-eyed stare eventually caught on to Sara’s ways.
“She saved me from my worst self,” Sara admitted softly, feeling tired and exposed. Yet oddly relieved.
“And in doing so, she also helped you get back on track to finding your best self.”
Luis’s words brought a lightness washing over her, like the sun’s rays reaching through the skylight above them. Oh, how she ached with wanting him to still see her that way—her best self.
“Yes, she did,” Sara agreed. “Though it took me a while to get there. To get here.” She traced a finger along the wavy edges of a seaweed leaf on the comforter, memories of those difficult, scary days assailing her. “I checked into a rehab facility the summer between my sophomore and junior years. Inpatient therapy was followed by cognitive behavioral therapy. Now I maintain regular outpatient visits with my therapist in New York. There’s been the occasional backward slide. But also leaps and bounds of forward progress. And I’m making it.”